It's taken me a while to publish this post; I keep starting and erasing it and starting over again. I want to be able to express myself without offending anyone that I know who may stumble across this blog. While going through the motions I thought about just scraping this post and focusing on the next topic, but I can't. I have to let this out of me and put it in the universe and pray no offense is taken.
It's time to leave some people behind.
I moved to Atlanta about 6 years ago to get away and start a new and exciting life and when I got here I just STOPPED. My life became stagnant and boring, I only went to work and the gym. The friendships that I formed were with people who were minimum 10 years older than me, MINIMUM. If they were my age they were males who were trying to sleep with me but I never let them. I threw them in the friend zone and watched them torture themselves; I had fun though. The older friends were fun and they have given me great wisdom to carry me through the rest of my life. I loved having intelligent conversations with them but I would always secretly wish they were my age.
Then the year came when I formed a few toxic friendships which kept me in a state of depression and loneliness. I don't know if you've ever been depressed before but when you are...nothing gets accomplished. I never wanted to do anything except party and hangout with people I didn't really like. I prayed for God to remove them from my life because I didn't know how to do it myself. I knew how I just didn't want to because I didn't want to be friendless in Atlanta...again. God removed them for me probably a week after I asked him to, that came with drama and stress as well. Even though I wasn't please with his execution and strategy, in the long run I was happy that he helped me out.
Then came another year or so in Atlanta with little to no friends. A few friends were still stressing me out and they were constant drama; so I not so eloquently told them that they were driving me crazy and I needed to be free of them. I hurt their feelings but at the time I felt good, I finally felt free of having to "deal" with other people. By this time I had one little bestie by my side, she is still right here with me. We play together and we grow together. That's what I love.
Some friendships that I happily let go of before have come back into my life. I decided to give people second chances and allow them to be in certain parts of my life. They are my friends but the dynamics of the relationship has changed. Here's the thing about following your gut, if you decide to follow it you need to stick to it. If you leave something in the past don't go back and try to find it, you left it there for a reason and it wasn't important enough to take with you in the first place. So let it go. I'm not saying that my friendships now aren't important but I already see that a majority of them won't be in my near future. They may be in my life but in a small little corner pocket that I only go into for holidays, birthdays and the occasional "let's grab drinks and catch up".
They're moving to the corner left pocket because I'm growing and I don't feel that they're growing with me. A lot of them still carry on with drama and gossip of friends in their immediate circle, which I partake in because it's just to easy. I don't want to hangout with people who I talk behind their backs, it's so immature of me. Most of them are in the same spot (mentally, financially, emotionally) as they were when I met them years ago. I haven't made much progress either which isn't healthy for anyone in this situation. You are who you hangout with and we're bringing each other down. Well they might not feel that way but I do and that's why I must move on with my life.
I'm ready for growth, I'm ready for change, I'm ready to be living the life that I've always wanted. If I mapped out my life for the most part my social circle would not look like this. If I mapped it out I would actually have a social circle again. My circle would be filled with progressive, smart, fun, emotionally sound, kind men and women who are about growth and self discovery. They would be working steadily towards their goals and their dream life. I know in order to attract those type of people I must become that type of person myself and I'm working at that every day. The rest will take care of itself.
-Namaste
(for some reason I always think that when I finish writing, so I decided that will be my signature from here on out)
Have you ever had to let go of friendships for your own personal growth? How did you do it and how has you life changed since? Express yourself!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
The Pursuit of Happiness
One of my promises to myself this year that I would be fearless, live the life I had always imagined, take chances and not care what people think of me. Essentially, I want to be happy about my life. Not complaisant, not content, not satisfied. No. I want to wake up everyday knowing that I'm living in my purpose and I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I have yet to LIVE. I've been out of the nest for 7 years and still haven't spread my wings; I'm that bird that's hopping on the ground in parking lots dodging cars. I'm in constant battle with myself, God and the universe on "what I want my life to be", I never get shit done because I can never start anything without changing my mind about it first.
HOME
In my Carrie Bradshaw post I told you that I wanted to be like Carrie Bradshaw from SATC when I got older. Live in the city and have a fabulous life. Well, that's what I've decided to do. I'm tired of waiting and waiting and waiting for the right time to make a move. I've lived in Atl for 6 years, had 3 different apartments and none of them have been in the city or close to it. I'm about 15 mins away now but that's not the city living I'm talking about. I'm talking real you live downtown so you walk more than you drive type of city living. Obviously downtown living is quite pricey, well I discovered so is living everywhere else in Atlanta so I might as well take the risk. Of course my square footage will be compromised considerably but that's okay, I have too much shit that I need to get rid of anyways.
SCHOOL
School is playing with my emotions right now. College is my least favorite thing in life, I've never liked school it's not my thing. I come from the school of hard knocks and I let the streets be teacher. Just kidding, sorta. I do in fact learn more outside of school then I do within it. Am I dropping out, no. After this semester I'm taking a semester or two off. I was sooooo scared to tell my mom because I thought she would be disappointed, and I was scared to tell my friends because I thought they would think 'AGAIN???'. Then I woke up one day and thought "This is my damn life! Why am I so concerned with what they want me to do? I'm the one who's unhappy!" I told my mom and she understood. Everyone tells me to just do it and get it over with, which is easier said than done. Since I can pursue my future career without a degree, I'm fine with the go at your own pace method. I want to live and enjoy myself, even if that means graduating at the age of 35.
FRIENDSHIP/LOVE
My first year in Atlanta I had a roommate, the apt and friendship was over after 3 months. I was alone with one friend in Atlanta and asshole men I dated to pass the time. The next few years in Atlanta was filled with asshole friends and asshole men. The past year my time was spent weeding out the good from the bad, and deciding who I wanted to have in my life. My past mistakes in friendships and dating were just lessons for me to grow. Many people have come and gone over the past few years and I thank them for what they taught me. My biggest lesson was that if it doesn't agree with your spirit then let it go. There was a time when I could be fake and pretend I liked certain people for the sake of being in a group of friends. Now, psssstttt please! I spend time ONLY with people who agree with my spirit and make me happy. I refuse to hangout with someone I don't like or care for anymore. Why? Why did I ever do that before? It's so freeing when you don't have to pretend. Men that aren't for me, I can recognize immediately now and I don't even entertain them anymore. Free is the brain who's not stressing over love lost. Love, real love will come and it will come with abundance because there will be nothing blocking the flow. I would really like to build new friendships with like minded people and increase my social circle.
CAREER/WORK
School is out the picture for a little bit so my regular 9-5 life will resume right? Wrong. Though I wont be in school there are some entrepreneurial endeavors that have been placed in my mind by God and I just can't shake them. I was going to explore this calling while in school but I want to give my full attention to this idea and make it happen. A few of my friends dreams transpired before my eyes over the past year. A friend I work with told me an idea she had, worked at it like a dog and now she's trying to figure out how to handle all the success that came from her small idea. She dedicated herself to it and now she's "made it". Full dedication and hard work is what it going to take and I'm okay with that. I have to honor my calling. I have a few projects and this blog that I want to give my full attention...only good will come of it.
No matter what you do people will find something negative to say about you. That's why I no longer care what someone's opinion of my lifestyle is. If I want to take 20 years to finish a 4 year college then I'm going to, if I want to move to a hole in the wall in the city...then I will. My life will be lived the way I want from here on out, I can't worry about what others think of it. I'm doing this for me. I'm in the pursuit of happiness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)