The Time Is Now

After my spring semester of college I decided to take a year off, which is crazy to me and other people because I've already dropped out of college twice and it's taking me years to get just my associates degree for the 3rd time around. I needed MORE time to figure it out. Seriously I feel like I'm going in circles every time I step into a school. Once I start my program of study I think "is this really what I want to do with my life? Is this really what I want to major in?". I can't seem to figure it out, it all seems like a waste to me. But then again, when I'm not in school I feel a sense of freedom yet a sense of urgency to figure out what I'm going to do with my life if school isn't going to be involved.

So that's why I took this semester off to decide once and for all if I'm going to finish my degree or not. If I decide to go back it has to be my own decision and I can't let anyone's opinions influence me. If I decide to drop out, I need to have a clear plan of how I'm going to make a living and reach my goals without a degree. Spring semester starts in January so I have to buckle down on my soul searching and praying. Whichever I choose, I NEED to be passionate about my plan. I cannot go into any major life decision half-assed. This is it. 

The time is now for me to decide, I've wandered around long enough without a plan or direction. It's about time I get one. Before I would place so much pressure on my age, I had to have this by the age of 26 and this by the age of 27, now it's less on age and more on a feeling. I FEEL like I'm ready to commit to something, even though at this present moment I'm not sure what that commitment entails. I just know that I'm ready to take control of my life, help myself to a better way of living. Instead of just talking about it I want to live my life on purpose. 

January is right around the corner and I'm not going to pressure myself to hurry my decision up but I'm going to pray and listen, then the answer will come to me. I have to give up some control in order to gain control. 

-Namaste

I Had A Dream You Were The Ocean

Is there something that's holding you back from reaching your full potential? We all have these vision boards, whether literal vision boards on our walls or the mental vision boards in our heads. Everyday we envision what we want our lives to look like and we map out how we're going to do it. The problem is that there is often very little follow through and I'm guilty of that. Rarely we follow through because we're unsure of the outcome and we question our own vision. How will I get to XYZ and what if I get there and it doesn't work out. We are afraid of what we can't see.

For example, you're ready to make a career change  but the fear of being unhappy even in a new career keeps you stagnant. Or you're not sure how you will land said career job, so that keeps you from trying because there's no way you'll get that type of job without experience right? You could be contemplating moving across the country or to another country, but what if you don't like it? What if you miss your friends too much? It's not worth the risk, so you stay put.

I know someone who has been saying since we were 18 that she's going to move to California, we're 26 and she still says it but she's afraid to move her feet. The only reason I can think of as to why she's still in Virginia is because she has a great fear of the unknown, like the majority of us do. If you have been talking about doing something for over a year, then it's probably something you really want to do. So just do it already. What's the worst that can happen, you do it, don't like it and have to figure out a new plan? That sounds better to me than 5 years going by and you're still wondering, what if?

 In order to reach our full potential we must get rid of this illusion of fear. Fear really is an illusion. Most women are afraid of bugs because they look gross, not because they're going to bring harm to us, yet we squeal when we see them. Why? It's an illusion of fear, we aren't comfortable around bugs so they scare us. I used to be afraid of roaches until I moved in my first apartment in Atlanta, the complex was infested with roaches. The first few months I would freak when I saw them but after a while I was no longer afraid. I was used to them, seeing and killing roaches everyday became a routine.

 Going to our 9-5 boring low salary jobs are fine because we're comfortable, trying to find a new job in this economy is too scary so we stay put. People even tell us to stay put and not take that risk, they feed us fear so we eat it up. They tell you not to move away because the cost of living is expensive over there, there aren't any jobs there, the people there are crazy. We just gulp, gulp, gulp, swallow it all and sit and wait and wonder as time passes by. What are we waiting for? Seriously, what's the worst that can happen, it doesn't work out...oh well that just brings you one step closer to your destiny. What's the best that can happen...it works out and brings you one step closer to your destiny.

-Namaste

Take the risk, lose sight of the shore. 

The Pursuit of Happiness

Hello!!! I haven't forgot about my blog. I have been so extremely busy, not busy, bored, anxious, annoyed, happy, sad, fearful, and fearless over the past few months. A lot is going on in my personal life and even more is going on in my brain. The deadline is approaching for me to be moving out, a few months ago I was counting down the days; now I'm wanting time to slow down just a tad because my mind is chaotic right now and I need to breath.

One of my promises to myself this year that I would be fearless, live the life I had always imagined, take chances and not care what people think of me. Essentially, I want to be happy about my life. Not complaisant, not content, not satisfied. No. I want to wake up everyday knowing that I'm living in my purpose and I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I have yet to LIVE. I've been out of the nest for 7 years and still haven't spread my wings; I'm that bird that's hopping on the ground in parking lots dodging cars. I'm in constant battle with myself, God and the universe on "what I want my life to be", I never get shit done because I can never start anything without changing my mind about it first.

HOME

In my Carrie Bradshaw post I told you that I wanted to be like Carrie Bradshaw from SATC when I got older. Live in the city and have a fabulous life. Well, that's what I've decided to do. I'm tired of waiting and waiting and waiting for the right time to make a move. I've lived in Atl for 6 years, had 3 different apartments and none of them have been in the city or close to it. I'm about 15 mins away now but that's not the city living I'm talking about. I'm talking real you live downtown so you walk more than you drive type of city living. Obviously downtown living is quite pricey, well I discovered so is living everywhere else in Atlanta so I might as well take the risk. Of course my square footage will be compromised considerably but that's okay, I have too much shit that I need to get rid of anyways.

SCHOOL 

School is playing with my emotions right now. College is my least favorite thing in life, I've never liked school it's not my thing. I come from the school of hard knocks and I let the streets be teacher. Just kidding, sorta. I do in fact learn more outside of school then I do within it. Am I dropping out, no. After this semester I'm taking a semester or two off. I was sooooo scared to tell my mom because I thought she would be disappointed, and I was scared to tell my friends because I thought they would think 'AGAIN???'. Then I woke up one day and thought "This is my damn life! Why am I so concerned with what they want me to do? I'm the one who's unhappy!" I told my mom and she understood. Everyone tells me to just do it and get it over with, which is easier said than done. Since I can pursue my future career without a degree, I'm fine with the go at your own pace method. I want to live and enjoy myself, even if that means graduating at the age of 35.

FRIENDSHIP/LOVE

My first year in Atlanta I had a roommate, the apt and friendship was over after 3 months. I was alone with one friend in Atlanta and asshole men I dated to pass the time. The next few years in Atlanta was filled with asshole friends and asshole men. The past year my time was spent weeding out the good from the bad, and deciding who I wanted to have in my life. My past mistakes in friendships and dating were just lessons for me to grow. Many people have come and gone over the past few years and I thank them for what they taught me. My biggest lesson was that if it doesn't agree with your spirit then let it go. There was a time when I could be fake and pretend I liked certain people for the sake of being in a group of friends. Now, psssstttt please! I spend time ONLY with people who agree with my spirit and make me happy. I refuse to hangout with someone I don't like or care for anymore. Why? Why did I ever do that before? It's so freeing when you don't have to pretend. Men that aren't for me, I can recognize immediately now and I don't even entertain them anymore. Free is the brain who's not stressing over love lost. Love, real love will come and it will come with abundance because there will be nothing blocking the flow. I would really like to build new friendships with like minded people and increase my social circle. 

CAREER/WORK

School is out the picture for a little bit so my regular 9-5 life will resume right? Wrong. Though I wont be in school there are some entrepreneurial endeavors that have been placed in my mind by God and I just can't shake them. I was going to explore this calling while in school but I want to give my full attention to this idea and make it happen. A few of my friends dreams transpired before my eyes over the past year. A friend I work with told me an idea she had, worked at it like a dog and now she's trying to figure out how to handle all the success that came from her small idea. She dedicated herself to it and now she's "made it". Full dedication and hard work is what it going to take and I'm okay with that. I have to honor my calling. I have a few projects and this blog that I want to give my full attention...only good will come of it. 

No matter what you do people will find something negative to say about you. That's why I no longer care what someone's opinion of my lifestyle is. If I want to take 20 years to finish a 4 year college then I'm going to, if I want to move to a hole in the wall in the city...then I will. My life will be lived the way I want from here on out, I can't worry about what others think of it. I'm doing this for me. I'm in the pursuit of happiness. 

God's Plan For Me Used to Suck

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a singer, then I wanted to be an actress, then I wanted to be a model (still do, what women doesn't want pictures taken of herself all the time?). I took cosmetology in high school, photography in college the 1st time, I took psychology in college the 2nd time, I'm a certified personal trainer and now I'm in college for a 3rd time studying broadcast journalism. What the f--k is going on? That is the question everyone asks me when they hear about all the things I have dabbled in and I'm probably forgetting some. Just call my mom if you want to know more she loves to bring it up and I'm sure she has a list somewhere.

"Not all those who wander are lost." I was not lost and trying to find myself you assholes who just thought that. I was simply exploring my options, how could I know what I wanted to be if I didn't test out every single thing I thought I wanted? That was my logic, my logic that cost me and my family thousands of dollars. If my child decided to do the same thing as me I wouldn't stop them. Some people are born and from the moment they can think, they just know. They know what the want to do for the rest of their lives. It's their passion and they stick to that passion. Me, I didn't know. I just found out last year. Everything I think I wanted to do I tried it and I don't regret it.

Every career I had in mind just didn't feel right once I started and I would try to trick my brain into liking it because that's what I wanted to do. In the back of my mind I heard a little voice telling me what to do and I constantly ignored it. It was God whispering and getting on my nerves all the time trying to guide my life. How dare he try to control my life! Hey God, your plan sucks! That plan is hard, it's going to take more time than I have, I'm going to have to work harder than all the other women competing for the same job because I'm a black woman, did you forget that God? Just leave me alone and let me be a personal trainer, thank yooouuuu! 

I became a trainer and I hated it, I tried and tried and tried to like it. When everyone asked me why I stopped training I said because there was no money in it. No that's not true, I just hated that damn job. I loved seeing the results and progression of my clients, that was about it. It was something I was good at that I hated to do. There are no regrets though because I learned so much from going to that school, I now know all the bones & muscles in my body, all about calories, how to properly work out and achieve maximum results and I'm not the girl who's afraid to hit the weight room with the men. I realized I loved to work out! That's all, I didn't want to train I just wanted to workout I guess.

Again that annoying voice popped up like a gnat in my ear. I wish he would just go away and let me think for a little bit. He never went away, I just kept ignoring him because he wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear. Then one day I was said okay God just lay it on me, the whole plan. He only gave me a piece. When I started working on that piece then he gave me another, then when I put that in motion he gave me another. God is slowly building the edges to my puzzle now, once the edges are connected the middle pieces will be easier and my puzzle will be completed and then I'll be able to see the whole picture.

Gods plan for me used to suck because it wasn't his plan at all. It was my plan. My plan for my life sucked, what did I know? People on the outside can figure out whats going on before the people on the inside do. God is on the outside and you don't know shit. Is it wrong to write God and shit in the same sentence even though I thought it and even though I cursed early in this post? Hhmmm, I'll let you guys judge me instead of him. Anyways, If you are working at your dream job and something is missing, that something is probably your heart and even though it probably is your dream job, it's just not the job you're supposed to have. If you follow the dream God puts in your heart you will flourish, you just have to listen and accept it. Even if you think it sucks.