EGO-BASED DREAMS

Last year became serious for me, I went on soul search and asked God for direction. I decided to stop looking for answers; I had to wait around and just listen. Listen to what God was telling me to do. I've dug into many careers, dropped out of college 2 times; I went back to school this year with an iffy major. So I took a break because I needed to know why everything that I do feels "iffy". It's like I can never be too sure about my chosen career and if it's right for me. Well, while taking this break during 2013, it came to me, Jesus spoke to me, I had an aha! moment.

I was never comfortable with my career choices because they were based on EGO. Everything I wanted to do would (in my mind) lead me to fame. Makeup artist, personal trainer, producer, screenplay writer, photographer, advertising, etc. You name it, I've thought about it or tried it! Every step I've taken was with the intention of, eventually people will notice how great I am. People will see me everywhere. Everyone that has excluded me in the past will regret what they did, and they'll be jealous of me when they see me on a Jay Leno! Seriously, this has been my thought process for as long as I can remember.

Everything was ego, ego, ego. The need for acceptance and popularity were driving one of the most important decisions of my life. My Career! That's why nothing has fit me comfortably, I haven't been leading with my heart. If you knew what you wanted to do since you were born and never strayed from it, then that's great, kudos to you. But for us wanderers out there, know that you are not alone. The come to Jesus moment may not be the same reason as mine, but take some time to think about it. Is the career you think you want, based on your ego and not your heart? Is what you think you want to do based on the fact that you can possibly be famous or popular for doing so? Are you mid to late 20's/30'/40's and still haven't locked down a career? Do you think your "maybe" career will change your social status and improve your group of friends? If so, you may have an ego based dream.

It's just like the hundreds of rappers who are on the radio with one hit wonders. They don't care about the quality of their music, they just want the money, cars, clothes and hos. Then some quicker than others, their stars fade and they die out. It doesn't last because that's not what they're supposed to be doing. Their egos got them caught up and eventually back to square one. I've been a one hit wonder over the past 10 years, picking things up and putting them down. I thought at first it was my confidence that didn't allow me to follow through but it was actually my heart. I was never in love with any of my decisions. My latest college major of Communications is NOT me at all.

God was looking at me like "what are you doing girl?" and then finally stepped in to save my little soul. I thought, my major in Communications/Broadcast Journalism was right up my alley. I write, I like TV, working at a television studio would be cool. Let's read that last sentence again, I wanted to major in Communications because "working at a television studio would be cool". I'm giving myself a major side eye, don't worry you don't have to, I got it covered. Where was the passion and even a little bit of interest in that statement?! No wonder I would stumble over my words when people asked me about my major!

What I learned this year was to take ego out of my life. Ego ruins most things (if not everything) so why let your ego PICK your career? Stepping away from school once again got me an eye roll from most people involved in my life, here she goes again. For me, it was exactly what I needed to decide what's right for me and I know it for real this time. And it's way harder and much bolder than any other career choice I have made. I kept telling God NO! for many years, NOOO that's too hard, it's way too much work, I'm not smart enough, it's going to take me forever, NO!! Even though I resisted so much, God told me "don't worry I got you boo, trust me" or other choice words.

So this is it for real, I'm focusing on what I was supposed to be doing from the very start. In the summer I will be back at college studying Clinical Psychology. It's always been in the front of my mind and I always push it back because it's too hard to actually follow through. As we all know, with a degree in Psychology you can't get a decent job unless you have your Masters. Well God said, I'll do you one better..."You're going to get your PhD". Wait...What? That's the craziest goal I've ever had, no way is that possible. "If it wasn't possible, I wouldn't have given it to YOU" says this imaginative God.

So here I am excited about going back to school and eager for the amount of brain power I will have to use to accomplish this goal. I barely passed high school, and dropped out of college twice; how is it that I'M being called to work on a PhD? I've been in college for 9 years and I'm still a freshman! My ego has been stripped away and I know deep down I want to be a Psychologist. I don't want to be good at my job, I want to be great and to be MY best. I don't have a negative thought wrapped around this goal, not one. I know it's going to be hard, I know it's going to take many years but I'm not afraid this time, I'm not afraid of the outcome. Finally, I feel free.

Wait...I just got little butterflies. *bites nails*

Pray For Your Haters (Am I really saying this? lol)

You know you're doing something right when the devil tries to throw some shade. They say that when things are getting better for you and your life is going great there will be something or someone trying to mess with you. Two things can happen, you will either react and let the bad things take hold of you, or you will rise above and focus on the great things that are coming your way. I started my new job last Wednesday, so today was my 4th day of work. Today is the 4th day that my coworkers have known me, this is the 4th day that people have observed and made opinions about me. Well, I must have made a bad impression on one of my coworkers because today she decided to tell a manager some untrue things about my work ethic. I was absolutely floored when the manager approached me about this! Really?! My work ethic is superb and even if it wasn't it wouldn't effect her job in the slightest.

See, we work in the same department but our roles do not cross, I have nothing to do with her and she has nothing to do with me. So why the hate? What did I do to you in less than one week that you would try to mess with my job?! I ask that but I really don't care to know the answer because I KNOW that I did nothing to her. I've been kind and even tried to engage her so we could get to know each other better. When I noticed she wasn't reciprocating, I backed off. The manager made me aware of her comments not because he was reprimanding me, but because he was looking out for my black ass, in the sense. He never said her name, but I knew who he was talking about. He reminded me that as a "sista" (he's black) we need to work 10x harder and smarter than others to get ahead. It sucks but we must be on our P & Q's at all times because there is always someone who is going to try and bring us down, or call us out on our mistakes; even if we're not doing anything wrong.

I could take this information and retaliate or even let it bring me down but instead...INSTEAD, this just gave me the extra push I've been needing. In the past I have been a lazy worker, doing just enough to get by, showing up right on time or late, throwing something on & making it through the day. This is not the place for me to do that, everyone at this company works really hard and I want to be right there with them. At first, I sat on this information and boiled, my blood boiled and I wanted to do everything better because of her, because I know it would piss her off! But, I had to talk myself down and realize that doing anything, ANYTHING out of anger is only going to bring bad karma upon myself. Holding onto a negative emotion, even though I'll be working harder; negative energy would be sent out and what you give you get back 10 fold.

I cannot hold negative feelings towards her because that's not going to do me any good. Instead I need to live as I believe. And I believe that the only thing that overcomes hate is love. I know, it sounds hippie dippy but let's put it in Christian terms so you all will ride with me, "GOD IS LOVE", we are to live as God and Jesus would and that is to love. This girl made me mad and I can become negative and decide not to like her, but instead I choose to send her love and pray for her. I'm obviously doing something right and that's why this girl who doesn't know me sees me as a threat. Haven't we all been there though? We may not have tried to sabotage someones job but we all have tried to hurt someone else because of our own insecurities. If you say that you haven't, then I'm calling you a liar. Something as simple as talking shit or spreading a rumor knowing it could damage someones reputation is a form of sabotage. So yeah, we've all been that insecure.

What she's doing is not okay and there's obviously something deeper going on, whatever it is I just pray that she works it out with herself and her god before I have to *sigh*...okay...okay...keep praying for her. We must remember when someone is treating us badly for no reason it's because they see something within us that they don't think they possess within themselves. Unhappy people don't like happy people! Being jealous of someone is the worst feeling ever so I do pray that she overcomes the negative feelings towards me, she must feel horrible knowing that I feel so good. Jealousy is a bitch that way and it will eat you alive.

So let me not work my ass off out of spite for her, but out of love for myself. I want to succeed at work for my own happiness, not to anger someone else. This situation reminded me how far I've come. I'm not angry and I don't wish anyone harm, the old me would let this bother me forever but all I can do is pray, pray, pray. Not only for her sake but because I have to see her five days a week, and who wants to be around someone that doesn't like you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, your haters are your motivators,, blah blah blah, but they're also a pain in the ass and I'd rather my haters not sit next to me everyday. Pray for your haters so you can be a motivation to them, how about that instead? I don't hate on anyone...do you? I congratulate, and ask questions so I can emulate and give answers. You feel me?!

On that note! Namaste.

Dressing For The Job I Want. Part 2

The first day of my new job was great, I'm definitely going to be earning my salary. This job requires much more out of me than my last job. The office vibe and dress is much more casual than I expected for the women but I'm still going to be 100% everyday. Today I felt like I looked great until the Atlanta humidity got a hold of my freshly pressed hair and it frizzed up like a wet cat! First day with a bad hair day!!

But I looked good (for the most part), and felt good even though I was working off of 3 hours of sleep because I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Oprah. Seriously.Thinking about being on her show and getting my own show, then NBC running a hour long documentary on me and my family. Seriously.

Anyways!! Here are some of my favorite office looks that I pinned on Pinterest that I'm going to try to recreate for my new career-ish. Since the office is more lax, I can get away with jeggings and more stylish outfits (as long as their dressy) and since I live in Atlanta I will have a shorter and possibly mild winter so I threw in some Spring/Summer looks as well.

BUSINESS CHIC---DRESS PANTS AND SLACKS

DRESSES AND SKIRTS

DON'T BE AFRAID OF BOLD COLORS IN THE OFFICE!

CASUAL FRIDAY

 Sorry for the odd formatting of the pictures!

Dressing For The Job I Want. Part 1

Tomorrow I start a new job! It's another Administrative job but it's already looking much better than where I was before. This position actually pays me real money and I have to dress up and show up everyday. They require me to work hard and learn new skills so that I can grow within the company and so that I can grow mentally. My last job just required me to show up when I could and wear what I want, because there was no opportunity for growth so they made it as comfortable as possible so I would never leave, even with shitty pay. I'm very excited to be working for a company that expects something out of me, this is exactly what I needed. If I'm going to work in an office I need to feel valued and grown. Before I was the bottom of the totem pole and everyone treated me like a little kid, so I played that role for them. I dumbed myself down and lowered myself to be what everyone wanted. I even dressed like a 21 year old and didn't care much about how I presented myself to the world. I basically just showed up everyday...never on time either.

During the interview with my new manager I asked him what the dress code was for the office and he replied with one of my favorite career tips; he said "the office is business casual, dress clothes and jeans on Friday BUT I always say DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT, NOT THE JOB YOU HAVE". This let me know he expects me to look 100% everyday. My last job, I rarely dressed up and when I did everyone made a big deal about me ACTUALLY looking so nice. This job is going to get me back in the mentality of showing up and being on point everyday. When you look good, you feel good. And I'm ready to look good and feel good everyday. There was a girl that worked in the building of my old job and she could dress her ass off, I would be excited to see her just to see what she was wearing that day. The women admired her and the men loved her, she was on point every.single.day. I would sit and wish that I could do that and that I could be that pretty everyday. It's not that I couldn't, it's that I didn't have the motivation.

Working a dead-end job, with little pay, no one cares what you look like....you stop caring after the depression from work kicks in. Now I have the chance to be that girl, the girl in the building that looks like she gives a damn and takes pride in herself. I think that's mostly what it was, when I go out with my friends I dress like it's my last night on earth. But since I didn't take pride in my job, I didn't take pride in myself while I was there. No one in our office did. Even if no one in my new office cares about how they look, I can't let them be the determining factor for my own looks. Not only do I need to dress for the job I want, I need to dress for the life I want. Even on the days when I feel like "throwing anything on" I know that's not going to make me feel good. Being self conscious about your outfit will ruin a perfectly good day. In and out the office I need to be 100% at all time! New Chapter, New (Same) Me!