Last year became serious for me, I went on soul search and asked God for direction. I decided to stop looking for answers; I had to wait around and just listen. Listen to what God was telling me to do. I've dug into many careers, dropped out of college 2 times; I went back to school this year with an iffy major. So I took a break because I needed to know why everything that I do feels "iffy". It's like I can never be too sure about my chosen career and if it's right for me. Well, while taking this break during 2013, it came to me, Jesus spoke to me, I had an aha! moment.
I was never comfortable with my career choices because they were based on EGO. Everything I wanted to do would (in my mind) lead me to fame. Makeup artist, personal trainer, producer, screenplay writer, photographer, advertising, etc. You name it, I've thought about it or tried it! Every step I've taken was with the intention of, eventually people will notice how great I am. People will see me everywhere. Everyone that has excluded me in the past will regret what they did, and they'll be jealous of me when they see me on a Jay Leno! Seriously, this has been my thought process for as long as I can remember.
Everything was ego, ego, ego. The need for acceptance and popularity were driving one of the most important decisions of my life. My Career! That's why nothing has fit me comfortably, I haven't been leading with my heart. If you knew what you wanted to do since you were born and never strayed from it, then that's great, kudos to you. But for us wanderers out there, know that you are not alone. The come to Jesus moment may not be the same reason as mine, but take some time to think about it. Is the career you think you want, based on your ego and not your heart? Is what you think you want to do based on the fact that you can possibly be famous or popular for doing so? Are you mid to late 20's/30'/40's and still haven't locked down a career? Do you think your "maybe" career will change your social status and improve your group of friends? If so, you may have an ego based dream.
It's just like the hundreds of rappers who are on the radio with one hit wonders. They don't care about the quality of their music, they just want the money, cars, clothes and hos. Then some quicker than others, their stars fade and they die out. It doesn't last because that's not what they're supposed to be doing. Their egos got them caught up and eventually back to square one. I've been a one hit wonder over the past 10 years, picking things up and putting them down. I thought at first it was my confidence that didn't allow me to follow through but it was actually my heart. I was never in love with any of my decisions. My latest college major of Communications is NOT me at all.
God was looking at me like "what are you doing girl?" and then finally stepped in to save my little soul. I thought, my major in Communications/Broadcast Journalism was right up my alley. I write, I like TV, working at a television studio would be cool. Let's read that last sentence again, I wanted to major in Communications because "working at a television studio would be cool". I'm giving myself a major side eye, don't worry you don't have to, I got it covered. Where was the passion and even a little bit of interest in that statement?! No wonder I would stumble over my words when people asked me about my major!
What I learned this year was to take ego out of my life. Ego ruins most things (if not everything) so why let your ego PICK your career? Stepping away from school once again got me an eye roll from most people involved in my life, here she goes again. For me, it was exactly what I needed to decide what's right for me and I know it for real this time. And it's way harder and much bolder than any other career choice I have made. I kept telling God NO! for many years, NOOO that's too hard, it's way too much work, I'm not smart enough, it's going to take me forever, NO!! Even though I resisted so much, God told me "don't worry I got you boo, trust me" or other choice words.
So this is it for real, I'm focusing on what I was supposed to be doing from the very start. In the summer I will be back at college studying Clinical Psychology. It's always been in the front of my mind and I always push it back because it's too hard to actually follow through. As we all know, with a degree in Psychology you can't get a decent job unless you have your Masters. Well God said, I'll do you one better..."You're going to get your PhD". Wait...What? That's the craziest goal I've ever had, no way is that possible. "If it wasn't possible, I wouldn't have given it to YOU" says this imaginative God.
So here I am excited about going back to school and eager for the amount of brain power I will have to use to accomplish this goal. I barely passed high school, and dropped out of college twice; how is it that I'M being called to work on a PhD? I've been in college for 9 years and I'm still a freshman! My ego has been stripped away and I know deep down I want to be a Psychologist. I don't want to be good at my job, I want to be great and to be MY best. I don't have a negative thought wrapped around this goal, not one. I know it's going to be hard, I know it's going to take many years but I'm not afraid this time, I'm not afraid of the outcome. Finally, I feel free.
Wait...I just got little butterflies. *bites nails*
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