Self Hate or Preference?

"To straighten or not straighten, that is the question" of my life! I have been natural for over 5 or 6 years now, I returned to natural before it even became a thing. I went natural because I refused to pay for a relaxer at the salon and I knew I was damaging my hair by continuing to apply it myself. Once I realized that my new growth was manageable without creamy crack, I let it grow out and that was that. I didn't have a big "come to" moment like most naturalista's did. It wasn't a long thought out back and forth decision, it was easy. 

Though I was natural I still straightened my hair with my very hot and expensive Chi flat iron. It was only last year when I laid off the heat for an extended period of time. I went 8 months without any heat, no flat irons, blow dryers, nothing. I straightened it after 8 months to give it a proper trim and my hair was long and lovely. After that, I went back to my protective no heat styles and even tried out Marley Twists for a few months. After those came out I straightened to trim again. Then back to the curls. Now I'm back to heat because I'm looking for a job and I don't need anyone turning me down because my hair is not to their comfort level. You say "Laneé, who cares what they think, if they don't hire you because of your hair you don't want to work there anyways". FALSE. Right now is not a time to stand up for my rights (I have bills to pay), this is the world we live in and sometimes we have to get on our knees to get what we want. I always wear my hair straight for interviews then go back to natural if I get the job, now; if they say something to me after I start work about my curls THEN we will have a problem. The straight hair in the beginning is just to be safe. That's life. 

Anyways, I got off subject. So, now that my hair is straight, I'm really loving it this way and I'm thinking about keeping it. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my curls, like...LOVE LOVE LOVE them! When I get through washing my hair I can't wait to touch and feel my natural curls. A wash and go is always easy and fun. Twist-outs and natural styles are also always fun to play around with...when you have the time. BUT, I don't like the way I look with my hair natural AS MUCH as I do with my hair straight. I've come to realize that I feel better and more attractive with my hair straightened. I'm more confident when taking pictures and just going out and about in the day. I rarely take pictures of myself with natural curls. Like I said, I love my curly hair but I don't have that same confidence as I do with my flowing tresses. I even get more compliments when my hair is worn curly and I love seeing my naturalistas out in public, but I don't think it's for me...as a lifestyle.

Above: Twist out, camera phone pic w/ filter.
Below: Straightened hair before trim, webcam pic, no filter. 

When the whole "natural" lifestyle got popular I felt a sense of comfort knowing that there are more black women returning to their natural hair and embracing it. Then I became obsessed like most of us natural girls do when we first transition. My whole world became "how to grow natural hair" and a whole list of "how to's" for natural hair. It's like I had to become this thing that everyone else was becoming, I felt more connected to black women than I ever have before. I had something that no one could call me a white girl for...a head full of naps and I loved it. Peoples perception of me did change a little and I noticed people looked at me differently and talked to me differently, like I was now officially black because I have nappy hair. And that was just fine with me. Maybe that's why I held onto the natural styles for as long as I did. I didn't want to straighten my hair like a "white girl" because it's a reason for people to think negatively of me. Thin, small booty, proper speech and straight hair that I play with 24/7, yup that's a white girl! 

I'm over that now and doing what I want for me. Black women wear the longest, silkiest (so far from their own hair texture) weaves and nobody says boo to them, so if I can get the same results with my own hair then I will do just that! Natural is in, I'm halfway out. I'm not totally out of the natural game, I will always be natural because I only flat iron my hair it to get it straight. I'm still going to rock my curly tresses and natural styles when I feel like it. But for the most part I will be rocking my hair straight. Besides the way it looks, the maintenance on straight hair is so much easier! I Spent many days trying to figure out if I was hating on myself, but I love myself enough to know that this is not self-hate but simple a preference. 

Now..."how to grow and maintain long hair while still using heat". lol. 

Namaste