I love all these new nicknames for situations that have existed forever, so fun! Anyways, a back-pocket girlfriend is not to be confused with a "side chick". The back pocket relationship doesn't have to be sexual, it's really more of an emotional connection the guy is having with a girl he knows that he could see himself with in the long run. A back pocket girl is the girl that a man keeps on the side or just "around" for when he's ready to either be in a relationship and settle down, or when he's ready to leave his current relationship all together. The man usually has feelings for this girl but isn't ready to make an actual commitment due to one of the previously mentioned reasons.
Many of us have been there before and some without realizing it. I've always known what this was and have seen it played out many times and thought how silly it was for the girl to not realize what was happening until...it happened to me.
During the past year I have really made tremendous strides when it came to dealing with my unhealthy relationships with men. In this instance, I decided to let go of a friend because I developed feelings for him while knowing he was in a relationship. We would talk and innocently flirt and I noticed that I started to become more open with him. I wanted to share more of myself with him everyday and I couldn't wait to talk to him. Much deeper than normal friendship talk.
The feelings were growing faster and the jealousy started to get to me. At one point I blew up at him because he left hanging out with me to go see his girlfriend. After he left I broke down crying thinking, what the fuck am I doing? I have lost my mind, this is not okay. It was okay, because I recognized the problem and did something about it. I knew that I couldn't allow this friendship to continue. So I grew the balls to tell him how I felt.
It was never my intention to try and get him to end his current relationship, even though in the back of my mind I of course wanted to be with him. I just wanted to be honest with him so 1. I could feel free and not live with this silly secret, and 2. So he would know why I stopped returning his calls and texting him. We've been friends for many years so he would find it odd that I would ignore him suddenly, I had to give him respect. When I told him, I didn't get the response I wanted. I wanted him to understand my feelings and why I have to end the friendship, then leave me alone completely. That didn't happen, he said he understood but he wasn't letting go of our friendship. I again explained to him that it wasn't fair to me to have to be friends with someone that I want to be more than friends with and he shouldn't want me to have an unrequited love. He said he understood but again, he wasn't letting it go. I told him I would just ignore him forever, but I didn't.
The phone calls became more frequent because I was ignoring him (makes anyone blow you up) but then I started to answer the text messages. Then shortly after that, the phone calls. Then we hung out. I thought to myself that maybe I could do this, I just needed to get over him and we could be friends.
Recently, he asks me about my love life and seems elated when I say that it's piss poor. He tells me that he'll be jealous when I get a boyfriend. Mind you, he has a girlfriend. He's never expressed dating me even when he was single...which was many moons ago when we "talked" on that level. He tells me about his girlfriend trouble and I go to him for advice on men. We are there for each other and it's always pleasant.
After a phone conversation the other night, I hung up the phone and thought...Oh Em Gee, I'm his back pocket girl...
How did I get here when I was supposed to stop talking to him months ago! I let him go already! What am I doing?!
Not only did I fall back into having feelings for him, I also realized my disturbing role in his life. I'm the girl he's keeping around for the "just in case" or "when I'm ready". He's keeping me around on purpose, he's not here for the sex and he knows he can't get that without a commitment. So that would be a waste of his energy and he knows it, he can get that from anyone. Of course sex is in the back of every mans mind, but that's not his main goal here, otherwise he would have tried in the more recent years. He's not here for just a regular friendship otherwise the conversations would be less frequent and a lot more casual.
He just needs to know that I'm going to be around when he's ready, otherwise he would let me go. As adults you understand that some people aren't supposed to stay in your life forever and for whatever reasons we need to let them go. If he never expressed jealousy or flirtation I wouldn't think anything of this. If he would have said, "I don't feel the same way, sorry this friendship has to end", I would understand. But he's here, holding on for dear life making sure I don't go too far. Keeping a watchful eye out on me. He's here, in my life still.
In my heart of hearts, I want him. I want to be the one for him when he's ready because I know that when he is ready to be a great boyfriend to someone , I want that someone to be me. *He's not happy in his current relationship but won't end it, therefore he's not ready/ mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone, not even me*
My life won't allow me to play second fiddle though; as soon as I realized that I'm a back pocket girl, again I realized that I need to get out of this friendship. Again, I have to tell him that I can't talk to him anymore and really stop this time. I don't ignore him right now because duh, I like him. Even though I'm actively perusing other men and dating, in the back of my mind it feels like I'm just waiting around for him to take me out of his pocket and put me on a pedestal. When he calls to check on me, I always want to check his dating status as well...making sure I'm still in the running. No beuno behavior.
No, this is not a side-chick situation. This is more than that, this is the misdirection of feelings and friendship. This is what happens when people are afraid to do what they feel and let go of whats wrong. The first time I walked away, I felt free and empowered...currently waking up back in the same place feels very limiting. I'm blocking my destiny because my destiny is not tied to anyone who is tied to someone else.
If you ever find yourself wondering if you're a back pocket girl, then the answer is 'YES'. If you have to think about it then you know the truth. And the truth shall set you free. Well, you have to recognize the truth, then you have to set yourself free.
-Namaste
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