The Comparison Trap

I've been feeling unfulfilled lately and that's why I decided to take a break from social media. Like I said; social media has become a comparison trap and I'm ready to break away. Pastor/ Teacher Andy Stanley explains why comparison is the thief of joy and why we need to stop. I've watched this sermon before but after I wrote my last blog, I was being called back to it. If you are stuck in a comparison trap I encourage you to take the time to watch the four part series. Enjoy!

The rest of the series can be found here: http://yourmove.is/watch/comparison-trap/

Social Media Purge

With all the recent changes taking place I've been doing a lot of self reflection. This June, I will be out of High School 10 years already! Most would say it doesn't feel like it and the years flew by, but it definitely feels like I've been out of school for quite some time. Over the past 10 years I have been an active member of Facebook, taking an occasional break here and there. I've watched/monitored/stalked former classmates, old friends, and enemies. Recently, I've become an avid user of Instagram. Posting pictures and selfies with the hopes of "likes" an admiration from my followers, uh I mean friends. While on Instagram I tend to get sucked into the black hole of "who is that and what do they do?" You know, someone you know posts a picture of someone or likes someones picture, so you go on that other persons page, then end up on a friend of that friends page and so on. Before you know it you have to hit back 5 times before you end up back where you're supposed to be.Only 2 or 3 of my actual friends use Instagram and a few use Facebook, everyone else...people I used to know or don't know at all.

My life I would say is very boring, close to extremely boring. When I post on Instagram it's usually of my dog or a selfie of me. When I actually do go out and enjoy life, I make sure to post it on the Internet so no one thinks I'm a total hermit. Even though I don’t see these people on a regular basis, I’m so worried about what they’re thinking of me and my life. Yet, I’m always in their business trying to figure out whose doing what and if I’m better than them or not. Even though we’re not in high school we’re still on a status ranking. There’s the popular kids with great jobs, the popular kids because of their looks and the unpopular kids who people talk to every once and a while. If this was 15 years ago and I was 27 back then, I wouldn't know about anybody else’s life from high school unless they were my close friends. I’m keeping up with these people to be nosey. I’m just checking on whose getting married to who, who is still single like me. Who got fat and ugly. There are a lot of people from high school that are not on these social media sites and they are living their lives without worrying about the rest of us.

I've spent too much time in other peoples business and not making enough business of my own. I’m definitely taking a purge. Starting December 1st I will take a leave from social media. I won’t get back on social media and or phone games (Candy Crush addict here) until I’m where I need to be in my life. I don’t need any distractions, whether that takes 6 months or 6 years, I'm off. I don’t need to inform people if I’m doing well or not. I don’t need people to judge if I’m cute when I go out. They don’t need to know if I’m having fun or staying in on the weekends. I need to thrive and I can’t thrive with eyes on my back, knowing that they can care less if I succeed or fail. And I can't thrive if I'm focused on what Billy and Jane ate for dinner.

Is social media stunting our growth? It’s definitely a comparison trap. You get caught up in comparing and you end up living other peoples lives instead of your own. It’s funny because I’m worried about losing followers if I take a break from Instagram! How is that possible to care about that?! Yes, Instagram could enhance your career if you’re promoting something or yourself. But most of the time, we are following people that have nothing to do with our everyday lives.Without social media, no one will be watching and I will have nothing to prove to anyone. I can just live my life the way I want without worrying if I’m good enough. I’m so ready to drop this social media circus.This day in age social media has turned into “I’m better than you at this and you’re not on my level with that”, then the others are left looking up to those who are living their life, watching with admiration and not trying to live up to their own.

I really think this purge is exactly what I need. Before the world of Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, I was much more motivated and confident. When I wanted something I went after it and I didn't stop to think what Becky from the 10th grade is going to think. Before all of this I didn't take them time of out my day to get a recent update of people haven't talked to in years or those who didn't like me back in the day. Don't you hate those people? The ones who were mean to you or didn't talk to you in School but now want to follow you on every social site? Right now for me, it's all very unproductive and I'm ready to let it go. I already deactivated my Facebook and deleted my Twitter. Instagram is going to take the extra week...don't judge my addiction.

-Namaste

Self Hate or Preference?

"To straighten or not straighten, that is the question" of my life! I have been natural for over 5 or 6 years now, I returned to natural before it even became a thing. I went natural because I refused to pay for a relaxer at the salon and I knew I was damaging my hair by continuing to apply it myself. Once I realized that my new growth was manageable without creamy crack, I let it grow out and that was that. I didn't have a big "come to" moment like most naturalista's did. It wasn't a long thought out back and forth decision, it was easy. 

Though I was natural I still straightened my hair with my very hot and expensive Chi flat iron. It was only last year when I laid off the heat for an extended period of time. I went 8 months without any heat, no flat irons, blow dryers, nothing. I straightened it after 8 months to give it a proper trim and my hair was long and lovely. After that, I went back to my protective no heat styles and even tried out Marley Twists for a few months. After those came out I straightened to trim again. Then back to the curls. Now I'm back to heat because I'm looking for a job and I don't need anyone turning me down because my hair is not to their comfort level. You say "Laneé, who cares what they think, if they don't hire you because of your hair you don't want to work there anyways". FALSE. Right now is not a time to stand up for my rights (I have bills to pay), this is the world we live in and sometimes we have to get on our knees to get what we want. I always wear my hair straight for interviews then go back to natural if I get the job, now; if they say something to me after I start work about my curls THEN we will have a problem. The straight hair in the beginning is just to be safe. That's life. 

Anyways, I got off subject. So, now that my hair is straight, I'm really loving it this way and I'm thinking about keeping it. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my curls, like...LOVE LOVE LOVE them! When I get through washing my hair I can't wait to touch and feel my natural curls. A wash and go is always easy and fun. Twist-outs and natural styles are also always fun to play around with...when you have the time. BUT, I don't like the way I look with my hair natural AS MUCH as I do with my hair straight. I've come to realize that I feel better and more attractive with my hair straightened. I'm more confident when taking pictures and just going out and about in the day. I rarely take pictures of myself with natural curls. Like I said, I love my curly hair but I don't have that same confidence as I do with my flowing tresses. I even get more compliments when my hair is worn curly and I love seeing my naturalistas out in public, but I don't think it's for me...as a lifestyle.

Above: Twist out, camera phone pic w/ filter.
Below: Straightened hair before trim, webcam pic, no filter. 

When the whole "natural" lifestyle got popular I felt a sense of comfort knowing that there are more black women returning to their natural hair and embracing it. Then I became obsessed like most of us natural girls do when we first transition. My whole world became "how to grow natural hair" and a whole list of "how to's" for natural hair. It's like I had to become this thing that everyone else was becoming, I felt more connected to black women than I ever have before. I had something that no one could call me a white girl for...a head full of naps and I loved it. Peoples perception of me did change a little and I noticed people looked at me differently and talked to me differently, like I was now officially black because I have nappy hair. And that was just fine with me. Maybe that's why I held onto the natural styles for as long as I did. I didn't want to straighten my hair like a "white girl" because it's a reason for people to think negatively of me. Thin, small booty, proper speech and straight hair that I play with 24/7, yup that's a white girl! 

I'm over that now and doing what I want for me. Black women wear the longest, silkiest (so far from their own hair texture) weaves and nobody says boo to them, so if I can get the same results with my own hair then I will do just that! Natural is in, I'm halfway out. I'm not totally out of the natural game, I will always be natural because I only flat iron my hair it to get it straight. I'm still going to rock my curly tresses and natural styles when I feel like it. But for the most part I will be rocking my hair straight. Besides the way it looks, the maintenance on straight hair is so much easier! I Spent many days trying to figure out if I was hating on myself, but I love myself enough to know that this is not self-hate but simple a preference. 

Now..."how to grow and maintain long hair while still using heat". lol. 

Namaste

Wait, I Just Realized I'm A Back Pocket Girl!

Urban Dictionary defines as a back pocket girl as: "A girl that a guy keeps on the side (or in his ‘back pocket’) for when things in his current relationship go badly or end all together." 

I love all these new nicknames for situations that have existed forever, so fun! Anyways, a back-pocket girlfriend is not to be confused with a "side chick". The back pocket relationship doesn't have to be sexual, it's really more of an emotional connection the guy is having with a girl he knows that he could see himself with in the long run. A back pocket girl is the girl that a man keeps on the side or just "around" for when he's ready to either be in a relationship and settle down, or when he's ready to leave his current relationship all together. The man usually has feelings for this girl but isn't ready to make an actual commitment due to one of the previously mentioned reasons.

Many of us have been there before and some without realizing it. I've always known what this was and have seen it played out many times and thought how silly it was for the girl to not realize what was happening until...it happened to me.

During the past year I have really made tremendous strides when it came to dealing with my unhealthy relationships with men. In this instance, I decided to let go of a friend because I developed feelings for him while knowing he was in a relationship. We would talk and innocently flirt and I noticed that I started to become more open with him. I wanted to share more of myself with him everyday and I couldn't wait to talk to him. Much deeper than normal friendship talk.

The feelings were growing faster and the jealousy started to get to me. At one point I blew up at him because he left hanging out with me to go see his girlfriend. After he left I broke down crying thinking, what the fuck am I doing? I have lost my mind, this is not okay. It was okay, because I recognized the problem and did something about it. I knew that I couldn't allow this friendship to continue. So I grew the balls to tell him how I felt.

It was never my intention to try and get him to end his current relationship, even though in the back of my mind I of course wanted to be with him. I just wanted to be honest with him so 1. I could feel free and not live with this silly secret, and 2. So he would know why I stopped returning his calls and texting him. We've been friends for many years so he would find it odd that I would ignore him suddenly, I had to give him respect. When I told him, I didn't get the response I wanted. I wanted him to understand my feelings and why I have to end the friendship, then leave me alone completely. That didn't happen, he said he understood but he wasn't letting go of our friendship. I again explained to him that it wasn't fair to me to have to be friends with someone that I want to be more than friends with and he shouldn't want me to have an unrequited love. He said he understood but again, he wasn't letting it go. I told him I would just ignore him forever, but I didn't.

The phone calls became more frequent because I was ignoring him (makes anyone blow you up) but then I started to answer the text messages. Then shortly after that, the phone calls. Then we hung out. I thought to myself that maybe I could do this, I just needed to get over him and we could be friends.

Recently, he asks me about my love life and seems elated when I say that it's piss poor. He tells me that he'll be jealous when I get a boyfriend. Mind you, he has a girlfriend. He's never expressed dating me even when he was single...which was many moons ago when we "talked" on that level. He tells me about his girlfriend trouble and I go to him for advice on men. We are there for each other and it's always pleasant.

After a phone conversation the other night, I hung up the phone and thought...Oh Em Gee, I'm his back pocket girl...

How did I get here when I was supposed to stop talking to him months ago! I let him go already! What am I doing?!

Not only did I fall back into having feelings for him, I also realized my disturbing role in his life. I'm the girl he's keeping around for the "just in case" or "when I'm ready". He's keeping me around on purpose, he's not here for the sex and he knows he can't get that without a commitment. So that would be a waste of his energy and he knows it, he can get that from anyone. Of course sex is in the back of every mans mind, but that's not his main goal here, otherwise he would have tried in the more recent years. He's not here for just a regular friendship otherwise the conversations would be less frequent and a lot more casual.

He just needs to know that I'm going to be around when he's ready, otherwise he would let me go. As adults you understand that some people aren't supposed to stay in your life forever and for whatever reasons we need to let them go. If he never expressed jealousy or flirtation I wouldn't think anything of this. If he would have said, "I don't feel the same way, sorry this friendship has to end", I would understand. But he's here, holding on for dear life making sure I don't go too far. Keeping a watchful eye out on me. He's here, in my life still.

In my heart of hearts, I want him. I want to be the one for him when he's ready because I know that when he is ready to be a great boyfriend to someone , I want that someone to be me. *He's not happy in his current relationship but won't end it, therefore he's not ready/ mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone, not even me*

My life won't allow me to play second fiddle though; as soon as I realized that I'm a back pocket girl, again I realized that I need to get out of this friendship. Again, I have to tell him that I can't talk to him anymore and really stop this time. I don't ignore him right now because duh, I like him. Even though I'm actively perusing other men and dating, in the back of my mind it feels like I'm just waiting around for him to take me out of his pocket and put me on a pedestal. When he calls to check on me, I always want to check his dating status as well...making sure I'm still in the running. No beuno behavior.

No, this is not a side-chick situation. This is more than that, this is the misdirection of feelings and friendship. This is what happens when people are afraid to do what they feel and let go of whats wrong. The first time I walked away, I felt free and empowered...currently waking up back in the same place feels very limiting. I'm blocking my destiny because my destiny is not tied to anyone who is tied to someone else.

If you ever find yourself wondering if you're a back pocket girl, then the answer is 'YES'. If you have to think about it then you know the truth. And the truth shall set you free. Well, you have to recognize the truth, then you have to set yourself free.

-Namaste

Living Room Life

The fun thing about moving into your own space (or back into your own space in my case) is that you get to decorate! I'm moving into a less desirable city a little bit outside of Atlanta, but what sold me was the actual apartment itself. I could have stayed in the nice part of town and paid the same price for a smaller space with 80's appliances. But I opted for the so-so area and a really nice place. I spend most of my time at home anyways so I'd much rather have a fabulous abode to come home to. My move-in date is less than 30 days away and all I can think about is decorating. The last few apartments I rented I didn't decorate at all and it was completely uninspiring. So now, Pinterest is my bestest friend!

I'm a little stuck in regards to living room styles. One side of me is all about cozy shabby chic, with the creams, pastels, soft grey, wood and romance. The other side of me is saying, modern sassy chic; with chevron patterns, bright accent pieces, gold and glass. I can't decide! My living room/ dining room is just one really long open room, so I would have to blend the room design so that will play a lot into it as well. Here's some of my inspiration from my Pinterest boards. I'm trying to find a happy medium.

I think this place is a perfect combination of the two! My Fave!

I love the pillows and coffee tables!

 Striped curtains just might happen somewhere in my house! 

 Loving the girlishness of this space! 

 These chairs, I die! 

I have a very similar couch, so that's what I'm working around.

 Must have flowers in new space! 

 Honestly...who wouldn't want to cuddle with me in a space like this?! 

 Loving every accent piece! 

Chevron rug, wooden table, sparkle vase...good combo!

 Glittery, girly and comfy! 

Table design...well mostly just the sparkly vase!

 Spanish style chic...love the colors!

I'm clearly leaning towards the pastel and muted colors, with sparkles thrown in every way I can. I love a beautifully decorated home but I also like it too look and be comfortable. A stylish INVITING home is what I'm going for. I'm very excited!

Do You Search For Meaning In Your Dreams?

I am huge believer in dream interpretations; I believe that what you dream about at night is a reflection of your life and your emotional state of mind. I remember most of my dreams for at least few hours to a day, but it's very rare that I ever feel the need to look for the interpretation of said dream. When I wake up, it's usually very clear to me why I had that dream, normally it's a direct mirror of whats going on in my life. I'm not usually being chased down the street by a giant meatball strumming a banjo. Just doesn't happen for me.

Well last night my dream meant something and I knew it as soon as I woke up. Stairs and Snakes. As soon as I opened my eyes I thought to myself, "that wasn't for nothing". So I looked it up. In my dream from what I remember, the only important details I held onto were: I was walking up the stairs of a patio leading to a front door (I don't know whose house) and there was a lady in the window telling me to come in and I trusted her. So I began walking up the blue stairs and when I looked down there were snakes everywhere all around my feet but I wasn't afraid; a little grossed out but not afraid. I shooed some of the snakes away from slithering on my feet. I kept trying to get to the front door but the snakes were bothering me so much that I stopped trying and left.

Breakdown of the major symbolism in my dream:

STAIRS:

"To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey. The dream is also analogous to material and thoughts that are coming to the surface."
"Stairs represent transition, change and personal growth.  When we use them, we make direct contact with our feet.  This makes them symbolic of change on a very specific, personal level.  Climbing up stairs should be interpreted as ascending to higher levels of consciousness.""Going up stairs often represents improvement, achievement, or reaching higher levels of awareness and understanding. You are making progress emotionally, spiritually, or materially. If you have problems going up stairs it may symbolize trouble being unable to make progress in your life. Going up stairs may also symbolize a struggle or challenge you must endure to reach a higher level of understanding, success, or power."

SNAKES:

"When the presence of the snake in your dream is neutral or friendly, it suggests that you are dealing with fears or concerns with assurance. It is an indicator that healing is taking place.....When interpreting a snake dream, a key point is to keep in mind that the serpent in your sleep means you’re symbolically receiving a wake up call from your unconscious. Dreaming about a snake is usually an indicator that you need to pay attention to something important that you perhaps have been avoiding or that has escaped your awareness until now.""When a snake appears in your dreams, it most likely acts as an animal spirit guide inviting you to look at important facts or dynamics that are impacting your life....The snake can symbolize spiritual guidance. The presence of the snake in your life often means that you are in a period of transition and it points to ways promote your personal growth.""According to Condron, snakes in a dream indicate that the dreamer's attention during the previous day was involved in some creative pursuit. "This was the focus of the potential learning in the dreamer's waking life," she says."

THE COLOR BLUE:

"Blue tends to mean truth, heaven, tranquility, peace, intuition...Blue may also be associated with the fifth, throat chakra.  This chakra is associated with communication, self-expression, thinking and planning." 

WINDOW:

"To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast  possibilities and insight."


Okay, now that we have the symbols interpreted, let me tell you why I'm now even more of a believer of dream interpretation! If you read the 3rd interpretation of Snakes you see that it says, "snakes in a dream indicate that the dreamer's attention during the previous day was involved in some creative pursuit". And it was. And still is. Since I've been laid off from my job I've just been thinking about where I'm going with my life in terms of career and family. It's just time for me to really buckle down and commit to my life.

I keep going back and forth about school because I'm not committed to any major that I choose. And that's because I'm not passionate about my choices. So I've been taking the time to ask God to just guide me and tell me what to do, and then while having a Netflix movie marathon by myself, BOOM it came to me. Out of thin air, BAM there you go Laneé! This is what you're supposed to be doing. And of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't question God back with "well how do I know if it's really what I'm supposed to be doing or if it's just me coming up with ideas to figure something out, how do I know it's you. Give me a sign!" And last night I had this dream and I woke up and I knew, it all seemed so simple and easy. I stopped questioning it. Only this one thing made since.

Notice, all the symbolization in the dream is connected to one major theme: Spiritual growth, healing, fear, transition, Spiritual guidance, truth, heaven, possibility, progress.

I feel like this dream was God giving me the sign that I asked Him for. I knew that it had a deeper meaning then just random creepiness of snakes on steps. In a previous post I wrote "don't ask God to guide your footsteps if you aren't willing to move your feet." Well according to interpretation the snake symbolizes spiritual guidance, and God is my spiritual guide, so for Him to be around my feet as I'm trying to walk in the dream speak volumes! *Enter Praise Dance Break* The window means hopes and possibilities, the woman in the window was inviting me in! Yes Lawd!

Each day I'm definitely reaching a higher understanding of myself and God. I'm becoming more secure in who I am and less afraid of the world. Well, I was never too much afraid of the world, just the people in it. I know what this dream means, and now I just have to follow through and trust that it's the right decision. The more I question God, the more unsure I'll become. It's time to step out on faith and literally believe in my dreams.

-Namaste