There comes a time when you have to realize your flaws, when you recognize them as yours you have decide...do I want to accept this as is? Or do I want to change? Let's not even call them flaws, lets call them hmmm, things that hold us back from getting what we want. Shortcomings! That's the word I was looking for. The other day while talking to one of my good guy friends I had an epiphany. I was reading him passages out of my book "The Path to Love", and it was saying how women and men need the opposite of who they are in order to feel like a whole person. (Some good stuff, I highly recommend you read it.) My friend says to me:" yeah, and you're just hard but you really aren't that way, a guy wants his woman to be gentle and sweet. Which you are but you don't show that side of you."
I was slightly offended and got up in went to the bathroom, while I was in there I was thinking about other things the book said and about what my girlfriend said about me not having a soft side. They were right, I am closed off and hard. No man in my recent years has been able to crack my shell, no matter how much I liked them I couldn't let down my guard. Ah ha! I ran out the bathroom exicited then quickly refrained. I thought about not sharing my epiphany with my friend and slowed my stride, that wall was going back up fast! I sat down and said "well duh, I'm hard because it's a defense mechanism, I'm not in the mood to get hurt." He was quiet, I never talk to him about my feelings...our friendship is very much on the surface. "Well you need to open up more" he replied. "Well so do you, you never talk about your feelings." Did I mention my friend is someone I used to date? This was the first conversation we had about our feelings, and it came a year after we stopped dating.
I expressed to him that I'm in not looking for love, I'm a happy single woman; which many find hard to believe but I am. I'm not that girl who is out there feeling the pressure of her age to find a mate to marry and settle down with. I'm not rushing anything. If I meet someone I like I'm not going to turn him away, would I like to meet someone to share my life with? Yes, but it's not a make or break for me.
My issue is when I run across a guy I really really like, I shut down, but I can be very open with the guys I don't like. I will tell them about issues in my childhood, fears and desires. It's easy to open up to them because there's no pressure involved, I know they will be my friend and they won't break my heart. In the book Deepak explains how one must accept every form of love given to them because it's a blessing from God and what you accept you will have more of, That is true also for the negatives as well, if you accept abuse you open your life to more of it. I gasped while reading because I thought back to all the times I was dating someone I truly had feelings for and I remembered the times I shut down the love they were giving me. Even accepting hugs and kisses at times. Even accepting forms of love from friends sometimes is tough for me, I tense up like I saw a ghost.
It was like my love life was flashing before my eyes. There were many times where I was soft and gentle but at pivotal moments I can tend to clam up if I get uncomfortable. I don't want to be that way anymore so I am more aware of myself and my actions/reactions. I've been told by many people that I am strong, strong, strong, that's all I hear. Of course there are certain moments in life where you have to be strong and keep your guard up; but his year is about letting it down...just a little, haha, and accepting all the love God is placing in my life.
It's okay for this cookie to crumble, I can't always be so tough.
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