Get Up!!

There has been sporadic/lack of posting on here because I'm falling behind in school. I'm behind in school because I've been stressed out over things I shouldn't be stressing about. Last night I had a mini breakdown because of one small thing is tangled into other areas of my life. It's one of those things where someone's choices are effecting you in a negative way, so let's just say I've been bothered. Well during my mini breakdown I was praying to God and I was so frustrated and tired, my mind has been all over the place; and I just can't seem to get it together lately in regards to my schoolwork. I thought well maybe I'll just take a break this semester since I'm so far behind already, I rather just receive a withdraw instead of a bad grade. So I got up, turned my laptop on, ready to withdraw and I saw a bulletin on the school's website that read "last day to withdraw with a 'W' 01/28/13". I thought Oh shoot that's today!!! Oh shoot that ends in 2 minutes!! I was rushing and typing in passwords with the quickness, as soon as I got to the page it turned 12 AM 01/29/2013 and the option was no longer there. I just had to laugh because God is too funny for his own good. Really God?

A voice, my subconcious, God...SOMEONE in my head was saying "you got this, quitting is the easy way out, you can do anything you want, you don't want to take a semester off...focus, get back on track and beast this thing!!" So I'm going to beast it. I'm behind on some things but I can turn them in for a late grade, even if it's a crappy grade that means I just have to get straight A's on the new assignments. I got this!!! I just needed to break down a little to realize that I'm capable of achieving great things. I'm tired of just being good enough and 2nd best, it's time to be number one and it's time to be respected and recognized for my efforts. No more coasting through life.

I woke up today (1/29/2013) at 5:30 AM, the time that I've been trying to achieve for YEARS!!  I woke up and went to Kroger and then I headed over to the gym. I achieved 2 things before the sun even came up, I felt so good and happy. Everything felt right. At work I was praised for coming into work early 2 days in a row,  I was praised for working hard to meet upcoming deadlines, one person said I was a new woman. My lifestyle is changing and people can see that, they like this new me, I love this new me. Now I just need to do my homework, my life can't come together when one piece is falling apart. It all works together, I am one unit. Of course I'm going to have slip ups and hard times, I'm human but all that matters is that I get back up QUICKLY and keep it moving. I'm working on finding a balance, this busy thing is new to me so it's going to take some time adjusting but I will get there.

Fall down seven times, get up eight! 

Stallion Booty VS. Donkey Booty

If you watch the foolishness that is The Real Housewives of Atlanta then you know about the battle of the booty's. If you don't watch I commend you and here's a quick breakdown of what's going on. Mrs. Phaedra Parks and her husband Apollo decided to make a fitness video focusing on getting your booty round, tight and high...like a donkey. They asked their friend Ms. Kenya Moore to produce the film, Kenya began working on the basic set up of production so she could give Phaedra and Apollo and estimate of cost. Phaedra did not like the price and was not willing to pay Kenya on the back end of video sales if they decided to go through with the deal. Shady and tacky as hell but that's not what I'm here to talk about today. Kenya was upset with Phaedra as she should have been, but instead of moving on and taking it as a business deal gone sour, Kenya decided to STEAL PHAEDRA'S IDEA and come out with her own fitness dvd!! WHAT!?!?!

This is a classic case of grown woman not knowing who she is.

A lot of women and I mean grown women over the age of 25 are still trying to figure out who they are. When you are still trying to figure out who you are life can get messy because you make choices based off your own insecurities. Kenya Moore is a beautiful woman, acne and all she is gorgeous but after watching her on the show her looks faded with each episode. Her insecurities make her extremely unattractive and immature. Stealing a friends idea, dream and passion is an childish move. I admit there were times in my life where I wanted to make certain career moves just because my friend was doing it. It's not that I shared that same dream but I didn't know who I was yet to know certain things weren't for me. Seeing my friends succeed made me want what they had...envy. Even today, my co-workers girlfriend announced that she was training to be a NPC Bikini Athlete (a fitness bikini model & competitor) and I grew jealous for about 5 minutes. When I get jealous over other peoples accomplishments I have to stop myself and think "Is that something I want to do?" If you answer honestly, the answer is usually no because you already know what you want to do with your life! If the answer is honestly yes that's what you want to do, then you need to ask them how they got there and work at it.

But if your answer is no you need to be happy for others successes, then go back to creating your own success story. I have no desire to be a bikini competitor, never have, never will. So why was I jealous? Because I have specific fitness goals that I want to obtain and someone else is reaching their own goals before me. My jealousy was all about me, I need to work harder to be where I desire to be. Competing on stage is not my thing. I've always wanted to dabble in fitness modeling and promotional work so my focus and energy should be in that lane, not in hers. Am I hating like Kenya is on Phaedra? Absolutely not, unlike Kenya I support her and hope she wins first place. This is because I've learned who I am and I've figured out what I want out of life. I'm thankful to God that I've learned this early in life and not in my 40's. Kenya had no desire to have her own fitness video until Phaedra did her wrong, she is doing it out of pure jealousy, competition and greed...which is why she is more likely to fail. When she focuses on her own talents and passions her success will grow. Then she wont be known as a biter aka copycat!

If you don't know who you are yet, take the time to figure it out. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself and your life. You might have to step away from outside influences and friends a little bit so you can take some time to be with just you. Even if you know who you are and are secure with yourself you will still have moments of jealousy, everyone does. But you need to be mature enough to know when to take a step back to figure out why you're jealous. Assess the situation, figure out your problem, fix it and move on.

Know who you are, don't be a Stallion pretending to be a Donkey. 

What's Important To You?

We all have this long list of things that we claim are important to us but we don't spend any time on them. Our health, family and careers, they are oh so important! We stuff our face with processed junk, spend more time on Facebook than on our careers, and when we are with our families we ignore them by texting or playing with our phones/tablets the whole time. When something is important to you, I mean really important, you will MAKE time to nurture it. When you nurture something and give it love, it will grow. Just like a child, a plant, animal and even your dreams. What you focus you energy on grows, whatever you spend time on gets better. Many things hold importance to me but I don't give them my time and energy. I do what I have to do every day and the energy I have left I divide it amongst the important things without focus or passion. I finally stepped back in the gym today after months of being absent and I began to think about what's important to me and why I'm not working on those things. LACK.OF.PASSION

Until recently I've floated through life just getting by on Top Ramen, penny pinching, missed connections with friends and family, shity men, almost in great shape, etc. You get the point. Those so called important things where given little energy and no passion. After I left the gym I headed over to Kroger and resisted the urge to buy all the junk food in site; then I floated over to the health food section and remembered a time when that was all I ate. My health was important to me, so much so that I didn't eat any processed foods or anything that contained more than 9 ingredients! I wanted to have a clean body and my health was important to me! When I walked out to the parking lot I looked at my car that I have to trade in because the leak in my new car doesn't seem to be repairable, and I thought man...why didn't I just buy a cheap car for 5k so it could be paid off in a year? I used to have no car payments.Why did I have to go with the car that gives me high payments for the next 7yrs? I want to save money, not spend it, having money is important to me!

I realized very quickly tonight that I need to redirect my focus AGAIN. I have to focus on what's MOST important to me and direct my energy to those things. My life would grow in abundance if I did that and so will yours.

THINGS MOST IMPORTANT TO ME: 

1. MY HEALTH- I cannot do anything for myself or anyone else if I'm not healthy. I want to be, look and feel healthy everyday. Eat more natural nutritious meals/less processed junk. 
2. MY FAMILY- Spend more time calling my family, immediate and distant. Find time to visit them more than once a year. Develop a deeper connection with them. 
3. MY FRIENDS- Spend more time with them developing stronger bonds, not just hanging out to get drunk and party. Quality hangouts, dinner, bowling, museums and plays. Make time to call my long distance friends more often. 
4. MY CAREER- Get this degree...get this degree! I remember my bff cried at her graduation and she said it's because it took her so much to get to that day. I feel like I will do the same, this degree seems to be so far away but I have to keep striving. Focus on my blog, the job I have and my passion project (that's a secret for now). Not being an admin now at 30 is very important to me, I have to focus on getting a career job. 
5. MY FITNESS- This is separate from my health. My fitness goals were always to be in the best shape for me, which is everything tight and toned. Lean visible muscles. When I don't work out I lose weight and I'm "skinny fat", which makes me self conscious in certain clothes, flat booty Judy over here.  I want to feel good in everything I put on. I also want to push past my fitness limits with running & weightlifting, etc. 
6. MY MONEY- Like I said, money is important to me so I need to focus on the money I have and the money I want to make. I need my money to be growing & my bank account to be increasing. This means making sacrifices and lifestyle changes. 
7. MY HOBBIES & ACTIVITIES- I have many activities I'd like to dabble in but I don't MAKE time for them. Sewing classes, I have a machine that's collecting dust. Yoga. Writing workshops. Any type of art class, dance class, anything out my ordinary mundane life.Volleyball, I want so badly to play on a volleyball or adult sports league. 
8. MY LOOKS- Yes, my looks. When you look good you feel good. I need to spend more time making sure I look my best everyday. Clothes, hair, nails, skin, body, teeth, all that! 
9. LOVE- Love in all areas is very important to me. Love to and from God, friends, family and my future husband, even strangers. We are lacking so much love in this world that it can't hurt to open my heart more to the universe. It's important to me that I love and be loved in return. 

What are some things that are important to you and are you making time to nurture them?  

God Is That You?!?

Patience is a virtue they say, be patient, just wait and the answer will come to you, wait on GOD. Hello God are you there? I used to jump as soon as I felt the urge to move, I never waited on God to give me answers for anything. If I was unhappy with a boyfriend I dumped him...that day, if I didn't like school I dropped out...within hours, if I didn't like my location I moved..asap. As I've gotten older I have learned to wait, wait, wait on the Lord. Sometimes I don't know where he is though. Of course you have those moments where He shows up right away and gives you the answers you don't want to hear and there are other times where either; He doesn't seem to be showing up or you can't tell if it's Him or the devil talking.

Those are the times that confuse me the most. How can the answer be so clear one day then the next day you don't know who the heck you're listening to? That's something I'm trying to figure out right now. I have a lot of questions and problems that I need to solve but I don't know what to do. Advice from a friend is always nice but you always need a higher power to assess the situation first before making any major decisions.

Writing is definitely my therapy because sometimes I ask questions in these post and as I'm writing the answers come to me. I would say it was God that spoke to me just now and said that 'If you're confused about who is talking to you then you need to wait a little longer until you're sure of the voice'. There should be no confusion when talking and hearing from God, if you are confused then it's either not God or it's not time to act. When it comes to matters of the heart patience really is key; in almost every aspect of life you have to wait and make sure you're ready before you leap. Your heart needs to be still and your mind needs to be clear.

God's Plan For Me Used to Suck

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a singer, then I wanted to be an actress, then I wanted to be a model (still do, what women doesn't want pictures taken of herself all the time?). I took cosmetology in high school, photography in college the 1st time, I took psychology in college the 2nd time, I'm a certified personal trainer and now I'm in college for a 3rd time studying broadcast journalism. What the f--k is going on? That is the question everyone asks me when they hear about all the things I have dabbled in and I'm probably forgetting some. Just call my mom if you want to know more she loves to bring it up and I'm sure she has a list somewhere.

"Not all those who wander are lost." I was not lost and trying to find myself you assholes who just thought that. I was simply exploring my options, how could I know what I wanted to be if I didn't test out every single thing I thought I wanted? That was my logic, my logic that cost me and my family thousands of dollars. If my child decided to do the same thing as me I wouldn't stop them. Some people are born and from the moment they can think, they just know. They know what the want to do for the rest of their lives. It's their passion and they stick to that passion. Me, I didn't know. I just found out last year. Everything I think I wanted to do I tried it and I don't regret it.

Every career I had in mind just didn't feel right once I started and I would try to trick my brain into liking it because that's what I wanted to do. In the back of my mind I heard a little voice telling me what to do and I constantly ignored it. It was God whispering and getting on my nerves all the time trying to guide my life. How dare he try to control my life! Hey God, your plan sucks! That plan is hard, it's going to take more time than I have, I'm going to have to work harder than all the other women competing for the same job because I'm a black woman, did you forget that God? Just leave me alone and let me be a personal trainer, thank yooouuuu! 

I became a trainer and I hated it, I tried and tried and tried to like it. When everyone asked me why I stopped training I said because there was no money in it. No that's not true, I just hated that damn job. I loved seeing the results and progression of my clients, that was about it. It was something I was good at that I hated to do. There are no regrets though because I learned so much from going to that school, I now know all the bones & muscles in my body, all about calories, how to properly work out and achieve maximum results and I'm not the girl who's afraid to hit the weight room with the men. I realized I loved to work out! That's all, I didn't want to train I just wanted to workout I guess.

Again that annoying voice popped up like a gnat in my ear. I wish he would just go away and let me think for a little bit. He never went away, I just kept ignoring him because he wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear. Then one day I was said okay God just lay it on me, the whole plan. He only gave me a piece. When I started working on that piece then he gave me another, then when I put that in motion he gave me another. God is slowly building the edges to my puzzle now, once the edges are connected the middle pieces will be easier and my puzzle will be completed and then I'll be able to see the whole picture.

Gods plan for me used to suck because it wasn't his plan at all. It was my plan. My plan for my life sucked, what did I know? People on the outside can figure out whats going on before the people on the inside do. God is on the outside and you don't know shit. Is it wrong to write God and shit in the same sentence even though I thought it and even though I cursed early in this post? Hhmmm, I'll let you guys judge me instead of him. Anyways, If you are working at your dream job and something is missing, that something is probably your heart and even though it probably is your dream job, it's just not the job you're supposed to have. If you follow the dream God puts in your heart you will flourish, you just have to listen and accept it. Even if you think it sucks.

Live In Your Truth

A good friend of mine is what some would call a New Age Hippie, she believes in free love, meditates, says things like "my psychic told me", quotes spiritual philosophies all day long and I love every bit of her. One thing she said before that always pops in my mind is "live in your truth". You can take that saying many ways but the way I take it is; live everyday living in YOUR truth, not what other people tell you or that you hear. It's so easy to get wrapped up in other peoples lives that we began to perceive the world the way they do. This can be good or bad depending on whose life you're wrapped up in. If you are wrapped up in reality shows and the people in your life are trying to replicate scripted reality, then you may have a problem.

When I was younger I wanted to hangout in the popular crowd it seem so cool and interesting, doesn't it always though? When I finally made it inside I began to live how they were living, walking and talking and being popular just.like.them. When I tell you I was bored with my life and I missed my "unpopular" friends, I can't even begin to explain. Even though I was bored, I was in it now and I didn't want to let go, I made it! Slowly I started to change, I liked music that I couldn't stand before, I looked down on those who weren't as fly as me and "pretty" as me, my hobbies faded away, I became a robot. I was absolutely miserable.

Sometimes I would look around at my new friends and wonder if they were miserable just like me. Were they pretending to like what everyone else "loved" too? After a while I realized that the inner circle wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, not a soul was real...unless they were behind closed doors. When the lights were shining and the "group" was together everyone wore a mask that came with a fake smile and shallow conversation. When the lights were dim and it was just me and him/her, a real person with real fears and emotions and individual thoughts appeared before me. How long can one soul fake it's existence before it withers and dies away?

The moment I stepped away from the crowd was the moment my grey turned to yellow. I was alive again. Every time I see pictures of supposed popular people or someones "in crowd" I wonder if they feel as I once did. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun but I think the fun will only last if everyone is living in their own truth. If everyone's minds melt together into a shallow wading pool, then the fun won't last forever. What I love to see is an eclectic group of individuals who don't let their differences divide them. That to me is more intriguing than seeing a group of young men and women who all look exactly alike but afraid to speak their minds because their peers will judge them for going against the grain. I've been there done that and it's a scary place to be.

Now I'm working on living in my own truth, which can be difficult at times especially being the "oreo" that I am. I try not to conform to the pressures of the world; the pressure to be thick, the pressure to have big boobs, the pressure to enjoy trashy reality TV, the pressure to gossip, the pressure to listen to ignorant music that degrades women, the pressure to accept the word nigga because it's spelled with an A not ER. When you speak against what everyone else accepts, prepare to be criticized. Standing in your truth is much harder than standing in a crowd. When you stand alone you have to stand for something even when the rest of the world knocks you down. If everything you do is authentic and genuinely you, the rest will take care of itself. YOUR truth will set you free.

Making Time

How do you find hours in the day? And if you are exhausted, how do you power through? 

Here's what I would like to get completed everyday:

• Workout
• My admin duties at work (8-9 hrs)
• Eat breakfast, lunch & dinner
• Homework
• Math Tutoring
• Blogging
• Yoga
• 30mins to get ready for work/ 30mins to prep for bed ( I have a lengthy bed preparation routine) 
• Dog walking & playing 
• 30 mins of reading at least
• Eventually down the line volunteer work on the weekends. 
• Eventually down the line sometime soon, work on a 2nd income. 

Okay while writing this I answered my own questions, I need to wake up earlier. Like really early. My work hours can be anytime between 8am & 7pm, the time I come in doesn't matter as long as I work a full 8 hour day. The old me would try to stay up all night and finish these things but it's only 10pm and I'm already exhausted. So now... the mission to get up before Jesus.

Good Music Mondays

Emily King- Radio



 I was pleasantly pleased Saturday when I arrived at the Emeli Sandé concert, when I walked in one of my other favorite artist Emily King was vibing on stage. I felt like God slapped me in the face with a double blessing. I was elated and on cloud 9. If you haven't heard of her please look her up. Of course I like to keep gems like this my little secret but I thought I should pass the blessing along. Enjoy!

"If I had one religion it would surely be a love song in the distance, a soft melody" 

Just Say No!

I am 26 years old and I am not where I want to be in life. There are many I shoulda, coulda, woulda's looming in the back of my brain but it's too late for all of that and wanting to change the past is a waste of time. I am 26 years old and I'm working on being who I have always wanted to become. Carrie Bradshaw. Just kidding but you know what I mean. When you don't follow the traditional path of go straight to college and get a good paying job, you can very well end up like me. 26, working a dead end job (full time), while in college, paying grown up bills on a college kid salary. It's not easy and it can be very stressful, this path wasn't the best path for me to take but I took it and I have to accept that. Even if you did take the traditional path you can still end up like me with this economy. Everyday I think about how to get myself out of this situation, it could be worse but I want much better and that's my goal. I will no longer allow myself to live this check to check, have fun when I can afford it type of life. I need to be free from sitting at my desk counting the hours and giving away my paychecks every 1st and the 15th. 

 Some of my friends have grew tired of me, they want to hangout all the time and my answer is usually no. It's not even because I can't afford to or don't want to but it's because I'm either doing homework, writing or working out. They see it as I'm being lame. Which is understandable coming from someone who is where they want to be in life or someone who is comfortable in their current situation (which may not even be good). I have fun when I have the time. Even writing it seems lame but I'm not satisfied. The only way to change my level of satisfaction is to do something about it. Author & finacial guru Dave Ramsey says "Live like no one else, so one day you can live like no one else." I live by those words. 

When I'm posed with a question of "do you wanna hang out?" I have to ask myself, did I do everything possible today to get me to where I want to be tomorrow? If the answer is no, then I don't go. Simple as that. Hanging out is fun, but being in the same situation year after year is unacceptable to me. It's hard saying no to friends but I know in the long run it will be worth it. Most women are worried about finding a husband at this age, I'm focused on my career. This is a different time from when our grandmothers and mothers were 26, women now have to work; well most of us do. These aren't the days where we women live with our parents until the right suitor comes along and sweeps us off our feet and into their kitchen to sweep their floors. We have to work to pay for our own floors to sweep until the right man comes along...and we'll still be sweeping their floors; AFTER we get home from work.

Times have changed and as a women your life has to be in order in all areas. Every little compartment of your life needs to be tweeked and taken care of daily. If you are lacking in the funds department you need to be trying to figure out how to increase your income, if you have no friends you need to get out more and at least get 1 friend, if you don't like the way you look I suggest you figure out why and change it (with out surgery). My friendships aren't lacking and my looks aren't lacking...my issue is my funds and my career. So until that is in order, I just have to say no more often than not. 

What are some sacrifices you've made in order to gain success? Or do you think that you shouldn't have to sacrifice anything? 

One Tough Cookie

                                              

There comes a time when you have to realize your flaws, when you recognize them as yours you have decide...do I want to accept this as is? Or do I want to change? Let's not even call them flaws, lets call them hmmm, things that hold us back from getting what we want. Shortcomings! That's the word I was looking for. The other day while talking to one of my good guy friends I had an epiphany. I was reading him passages out of my book "The Path to Love", and it was saying how women and men need the opposite of who they are in order to feel like a whole person. (Some good stuff, I highly recommend you read it.) My friend says to me:" yeah, and you're just hard but you really aren't that way, a guy wants his woman to be gentle and sweet. Which you are but you don't show that side of you."

I was slightly offended and got up in went to the bathroom, while I was in there I was thinking about other things the book said and about what my girlfriend said about me not having a soft side. They were right, I am closed off and hard. No man in my recent years has been able to crack my shell, no matter how much I liked them I couldn't let down my guard. Ah ha! I ran out the bathroom exicited then quickly refrained. I thought about not sharing my epiphany with my friend and slowed my stride, that wall was going back up fast! I sat down and said "well duh, I'm hard because it's a defense mechanism, I'm not in the mood to get hurt." He was quiet, I never talk to him about my feelings...our friendship is very much on the surface. "Well you need to open up more" he replied. "Well so do you, you never talk about your feelings." Did I mention my friend is someone I used to date? This was the first conversation we had about our feelings, and it came a year after we stopped dating.

I expressed to him that I'm in not looking for love, I'm a happy single woman; which many find hard to believe but I am. I'm not that girl who is out there feeling the pressure of her age to find a mate to marry and settle down with. I'm not rushing anything. If I meet someone I like I'm not going to turn him away, would I like to meet someone to share my life with? Yes, but it's not a make or break for me.

My issue is when I run across a guy I really really like, I shut down, but I can be very open with the guys I don't like. I will tell them about issues in my childhood, fears and desires. It's easy to open up to them because there's no pressure involved, I know they will be my friend and they won't break my heart. In the book Deepak explains how one must accept every form of love given to them because it's a blessing from God and what you accept you will have more of, That is true also for the negatives as well, if you accept abuse you open your life to more of it. I gasped while reading because I thought back to all the times I was dating someone I truly had feelings for and I remembered the times I shut down the love they were giving me. Even accepting hugs and kisses at times. Even accepting forms of love from friends sometimes is tough for me, I tense up like I saw a ghost.

It was like my love life was flashing before my eyes. There were many times where I was soft and gentle but at pivotal moments I can tend to clam up if I get uncomfortable. I don't want to be that way anymore so I am more aware of myself and my actions/reactions. I've been told by many people that I am strong, strong, strong, that's all I hear. Of course there are certain moments in life where you have to be strong and keep your guard up; but his year is about letting it down...just a little, haha, and accepting all the love God is placing in my life.

It's okay for this cookie to crumble, I can't always be so tough.

PGC 2013: Challenge #2: Yoga

Somewhere between boredom and insanity I fell in love with yoga. Not actually practicing yoga but looking at pictures of people doing yoga. I've taken a yoga class or two before and thought it was the best thing ever, oh my gosh I have to do it again and again and again! Yeah, that enthusiasm wore off real quick, I haven't stepped into a yoga class in years. I was on my fitness Tumblr a few weeks ago and I saw a post on "Yoga for the Splits", I never thought about training my body to do the splits; I thought either you were born that way or not. I was not but I envied those naughty girls who were. So I began the simple stretches every night and I noticed progress. I stopped doing it for some reason that I can't remember, oh yeah that's right I quit everything duh! This year I'm not going to be a quitter damn-it! Not only do I want to be able to do the splits by the end of the year, I want to master one more yoga pose. I look at pictures of yogis everyday and I'm in awe at what they have trained their bodies to do. I often forget that they TRAINED to get that way. It takes strength and (eventual) flexibility along with proper training and stretching to be good at yoga. That mess is hard! Men can laugh and joke about it all they want, but yoga takes super baby Jesus strength to master.

So besides the splits:

I want to try and master one of the following poses:

I'm not sure which one I want to pick but they are all advanced and definitely a challenge, so wish me luck! 

Channeling My Inner Carrie Bradshaw

 The first time I saw an episode of Sex and the City, I think it was my senior year of high school or maybe right after I graduated. We only had movie channels on the downstairs TV, in your family you might call it the family room, we call downstairs. My parents would watch their shows until about 9pm then they would give me and my brother the "big TV" access after they went upstairs to go to bed. One night I strolled downstairs flipped on the TV that was left on HBO and there it was on the "big TV", my future. I never even heard of SATC until that night, I fell instantly in love with Carrie Bradshaw.

 I saw a lot myself in her; or at the age of 17 I should say, I saw who I wanted to become. I know she is a fictional character but something about her spoke to me. I felt like she was calling me through the screen; Laneé, one day you will have this life, you will be 40 years old with no husband or kids. Wait what? Everything about Carrie was me. I dressed different from the other kids at my school. I didn't have great style like Ms. Bradshaw at the time so I don't think people were trying to follow my fashion trends like they follow hers, but I stood out from the crowd. The fabulous NY lifestyle she was living, that's what I wanted so badly. I wanted to have a fabulous circle of close knit girlfriends who met up every Saturday for breakfast, dressed fabulously, go on dates with amazing men every weekend. Oh the life! And, I wanted to write, at this time I wasn't so sure but there was a definite calling after the first episode I watched. I didn't answer the call, I kept pressing the ignore button...until now. 

While I was on Christmas vacation a Sex in the City marathon was on and I watched, of course. I was sitting in the same spot on the (new) couch as I was the first time I laid eyes on this fabulous show. I thought to myself: hmph that was supposed to be my life! *arms folded pouting at the screen* My life was supposed to be fabulous, with fabulous friends, fabulous careers and fabulous date nights and breakfasts with the girls to talk about the dates with the fabulous men. Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous!!! That's what I want and I want it now!! 

Okay you want it Laneé so what are you going to do about it?

 I'm going to start living it and eventually my life will manifest into what I want/create.
Correct.

Self Defeating Thoughts, Kick The Habit

We all have negative thoughts when it comes to achieving major goals in life, we shouldn't but we do. These thoughts are going to come up every time God puts an opportunity in your face. We may think "this is too hard, I'm not good enough, I could never be that rich". That's the devil talking my friend.

I was wasting time on Pinterest the other day and I saw this beautiful photograph of a hotel with a beach side pool, there were mountains in the background, white linen flowing everywhere, and the sky and the ocean where competing with each other on who could be the prettiest shade of blue. I thought "Wow I want to go there, I love it, so beautiful...I will never have enough money to go on a vacation to place that nice. If I get there I wouldn't be staying at that hotel." Do you see how my excitement spiralled into I will never be good enough to go there. Not saying that people have nice vacations because they are good, but in my mind the career that I want I won't be able to afford a vacation like that and I'm not a vixen who has a baller husband to take me there either.

Instead of thinking I will never get there, I should be thinking of HOW I'm going to get there. I want to take that vacation, now I need a plan of action on how I will get there. We choose how we live our lives. I want to be rich and I don't want to have to save 3 years worth of pay to go on a decent vacation. Oh and that baller husband...you never know. I prefer real love but if that love comes with a couple million I'm not going to be upset.

The point is, we choose our thoughts and our thoughts choose our actions. If I dwelled on every self defeating thought I would just give up because what's the point right? If you know you're not going to live the life you want to live you might as well settle for mediocrity. Again wrong, but that's my new perspective on life now. If I'm not striving to live the best possible life, then I might as well chill out, quit school, work at Popeye's, struggle, stay in the same place for ever and live a half assed life.

That's no way to live, it may not seem like it but we all have the opportunity to turn our lives and our situations around. When these negative thoughts and feelings arise I have to IMMEDIATELY replace them with an opposite thought.

I'm not pretty enough...my eyes are beautiful and one of a kind.
I will never have enough money for a vacation...I'm taking my whole family on a vacation.
I'm not fit enough to run a marathon...I will train my butt off and finish first in the marathon.
My business will never get off the ground...I will be persistent so my business will grow. 
I can't afford that house...I'm moving into that house next year. 

If you want good things to happen you have to make them happen. We can't sit around with negative thoughts looming hoping that God will answer our prayers and we wake up with the perfect life. God helps those who help themselves. I have to be honest for the past 26 years of my life I have not been helping myself. I have been waiting and holding myself back from better things. Telling myself negative things and expecting a positive outcome. I learned to build confidence in myself and I surround myself with people who believe in me and believe in themselves, this way I will continue to grow.

“Never say anything about yourself you don't want to come true”

― Brian Tracy

Good Music Mondays

Emeli Sande- Read All About It

I love music and I especially love "underground" artist that the mass public hasn't gotten to and ruined yet. Some would call me a music hipster: I love certain artist until they get popular then I'm over it. Hopefully Emeli stays true to herself now that the American record execs got to her. She is already fairly popular in her homeland of Scottland and all around the UK. I wish her the best success but I would still like her to be my little secret for now. I'm taking the bestie with me to her concert next Saturday and I am so excited.

Press Play and Enjoy Your Good Music Mondays.

PGC 2013. Challenge #1: Reading

Something I want to really work in this year is my reading habits or lack thereof I should say. On average I read about 3 books per year. Granted I read for my college courses but that would be more like skimming, I skim books and read the answers or key points that I was looking for. One of my closest girlfriends reads more than anyone I know, I envy her for that. I want to be able to escape from the internet more and sit down and read a book instead. My attention span is about as long at a gnat now that we have access to everything on the world wide web. Right now I'm RE-WATCHING season one of Scandal, watching a TV show that I have already seen every single episode. Is it necessary that I watch it again? Apparently I have nothing better to do with my free time.

The internet has made it so easy for us to be lazy and I have to break that deathly addiction. It will be a challenge but I can do it. When I find that I have completed all my tasks for the day and I'm restless with nothing to do, instead of clicking on Netflix I need to pick up a book. I have been reading the same book The Path to Love for about 3 months now, it's only 300 pages. I pick it up when I remember and read about 5 pages before I go to sleep. If I read 10 pages a day of any/most books, I could read one book a month. So that's what I have decided to do. I'm going to finish The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra  which is a great book by the way (I will write about it when I finish it).

After that I will start on Clutch Magazine's "100 books by black women" list. I realized too that when I do read, the books are normally written by males or white women, never black women. It's about time I support them. I will be honest with you, I wrote off many black authors years ago because I felt they were so typical just like our TV shows. Most of the popular black authors wrote about baby mama drama, men cheating on their women, men on the down low & church. It was all the same and began to bore me. No longer will I stereotype black literature and I will give it another shot, time to support my people. If we don't who else will? Clutch made the list based off suggestions they received from their tweeples about their favorite books written by black female authors. I printed off the list so I could look them up and pick which ones I wanted to read this year. Happy to say I already had one of them, Kindred by Octavia Butler, my friend (the bookworm)  gave it to me last year for my birthday and of course I haven't read it yet.

Reading will be one of my many personal growth challenges of 2013 and I'm ready to take it on. Will you be joining me?

Personal Growth Challenges of 2013

2013 will be about change for me and for a lot of people I know; many of my friends are taking on new challenges, careers and lifestyle choices. 2012 was a good year for me, a little rocky towards the end but overall I made a lot of progress towards my goals. Every year my best friend and I say "We cannot be in this same place, this time next year". Six months will go by and we say "We cannot be in this same place 6 months from now". Last year we meant it, we started on little things that would help move us forward like working on our credit and saving money. We may not be in a different place financially or career wise but I will say that we are in a different place mentally. We have faith in our dreams and we are now working steadily towards our goals. 

In order to get where I want to be by 2014, I need to challenge myself in a few areas. I asked my best friend today "What's your new years resolution?" She replied. "I don't do those anymore, when I see a problem or something I need to work on, I tackle it right there." I loved that. When you see that there is something in your life that needs to be fixed, don't wait until the new year or new month or next week to start, tackle it right away. 

There are many things that I'm and tackling and working on in my personal life aside from my resolutions. These are the challenges that I face everyday that need to get dealt with. My Personal Growth Challenges (PGC) are challenges that I have been dealing with for years and disguising them as NYE Resolutions. My resolutions in the previous years were silly and I didn't care if I accomplished them or not. A challenge is something I must look in the eye, face it and tackle it! 

Once they are tackled I know that growth and change will happen. I will be posting these challenges sporadically throughout the next couple of months and will keep you updated on my progress. This year is all about getting out of my comfort zone, challenging myself and personal growth. I hope you all will do the same, it's time to be fearless and fear less. 

2013 New Year Resolutions

Okay okay, I wasn't going to make resolutions this year because like most people I don't stick to them; but they are just so fun to write! This time around I decided to switch it up and focus on goals that are going to enhance the quality of my life overall and not a quick fix to a temporary problem, i.e. fit into that teenie weenie bikini this summer.

1. Be Fearless...FEAR-LESS...FEAR LESS: The main thing that holds me back from accomplishing my goals is fear, I fear everything. I fear judgement of others, failing, getting hurt, success, being more successful than my friends, losing friends because I became so awesome they feel uncomfortable around me because they can't catch up to my awesomeness! The last one may seem like a joke but I'm serious, I feel guilty if I outshine my friends. If I wasn't so fearful of these things I'm sure that I would be where I wanted to be in life by now. If I'm fear-less in 2013 mountains can be moved and a lot more progress will be made. 
2. Stop Gossiping: I gossip. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm a gossip. I know everyone's business and everyone tells me their business. The thing is, unless you are my close friend or I care about you & respect you...I will probably tell your business to someone else. In the past my gossiping has gotten me in a lot of trouble, so in 2012 I made a conscience decision to stop. Didn't work. I did decrease the gossiping by about 50% though, but I need to bring it to a full stop. I'm not only hurting other people but I'm hurting myself. The hardest part for me will be office gossip, there will always be little bees buzzing around me. I know I'm ready to end it though because when I hear other people gossip or talk bad about someone for no reason, I'm quite disgusted and realizing that's who I am and who I don't want to be anymore.
3. Open Up More & Let The People I Love In: The other day I was playing with my dog being very affectionate and my friend turned to me & said "Aww you do have a soft side". I didn't know that people assumed I don't had a soft side; I mean, I cry at commercials so c'mon. I admit I'm a very closed off private person, I don't express my feelings about much. I show anger & joy, but I bottle up sadness and sometimes love. Serious issues I discuss with God and myself. On my recent visit home I focused on our family dynamic and I realized I'm this way because I come from a home where emotions are not expressed. We keep it light. I don't want to be that way in my adult life, with my good friends and family I want to dig deeper and let them in. I would like to show my softer side and not come off as the strong woman all the time.
4. Be Productive & Consistent: I can keep a steady routine for about 3 days MAX. I'm not just talking about exercising and eating healthy, I can do that for about 4-5 months straight before I break that habit. I'm talking about school, work, health, beauty, fitness, reading, saving money, etc. This is my main resolution, be consistent ..I can't just say I want to do it, I have to work at it. Normally I don't, I just brush it off and say "ehh I'll try again tomorrow". My tomorrows would be a lot better and my future will be a lot brighter if I actually worked at my life. I sort of float on by hoping that my laziness will make me a millionaire. Not going to happen. If I say I'm going to get up at 5am everyday, I need to work at it and TRY to wake up at 5am everyday until it begins to happen naturally. That's the only way I can make it stick. 
5. Pray More & Be More Spiritual: I pray at night when I remember. I go down my prayer list of family and friends, the same routine in the same order every time. I say it so much I do it without thinking, I'm not mentally invested in my prayers anymore. I can sing them to a beat that's how memorized it has become. Occasionally I will throw in a quick prayer if I know someone's going through a hard time but that's as deep as it goes, not much more to it for me. I know that if you pray, mean it, believe it...you will receive it. So why am I not doing that? Is God listening to my prayers if I'm not even listening to them? I want to connect with God and I want to feel Him working in my life. I want to feel a real powerful connection, the connection that I'm afraid of. The one that is going to change my life. 

If I work on those 5 things day in and day out...6 months from now the quality of my life should have improved drastically. I wish everyone a Happy Prosperous New Year!!! 

DO YOU HAVE ANY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS OR DO YOU THINK THEY'RE A WASTE OF TIME? 

Why I Love Rihanna (In defense of Rihanna)

The public can be so hard on Rih Rih, they rip her apart and try to tear her to shreds; operative word being TRY. It seems to me that because Rihanna's super stardom is so big, that makes her one of the most hated celebrities. She's mostly hated on by women, when it comes to my friends it's the black women that hate her the most. My white friends love Rihanna, the black ones find every reason to say why she ain't shit. Don't get me wrong, I love Rihanna but her music... not so much. I have a few favorites that I put on my iPod  but I can't listen to a whole album without getting bored and I will probably never go to a Rihanna concert unless I had free tickets.

I'm not a stan and I don't fight with people because they don't like her, I'm not crazy. Hell I'm barely a fan but there's something about her that I just frickin love! Rihanna is the only celebrity that I follow on Instagram...oh wait I follow Tracee Ellis Ross too, but that's besides the point. Rihanna is the only MUSICIAN that I follow on instagram, that's better. I love Rihanna because she just doesn't give a flying toupee about what people think of her and I love that. I appreciate it and I envy it. Some people say she acts that way for attention or she just wants to be a party girl, but she's in her early 20's she's allowed to be a party girl. Most celebs will get caught doing something "wrong" and they will never do it again or publicize that part of their life. Rihanna basically tells the public everyday to go f*ck themselves because she loves who she is and public opinion wont change that.

Rihanna post pictures of herself smoking weed, in scantily clad outfits, lewd pics of herself at the strip club slapping booty's with $100 bills. She is enjoying herself and she doesn't care if we approve or not. If her parent's don't care, why should we? She's a pop star so she is expected to be a role model, but that's not what she wants. Being a pop star is making her money and it's her passion that's what she does it for, she's not doing it to raise your kids for you. When I was a teen Lil Kim was the  big star, she was nasty and trashy...I loved her. My parents bought me her albums and I memorized every nasty lyric. Was I out dressing like a skank, smoking weed and drinking? Yes, but not because Lil Kim taught me that. Just kidding. I wasn't acting like Lil' Kim because my parents taught me better than that, I knew the difference between fiction and reality. Rihanna may be an influence over some peoples lives but we need to stop expecting her to be a role model. If she was a non famous 20 year old doing the same thing, no one would care because most girls her age are doing the same thing, they just aren't in the public eye for people to judge them.

Another thing I love about her is that she stands up for herself...a lot. Some say she's mean for tweeting mean things to people; but she doesn't bite first, she just bites back. Yeah she's not handling things in a mature way but she puts people in their place and I love that. *squinting my eyes while twisting the ends of my mustache* The average person is allowed to say hurtful things to celebs but when the celeb says something back they are the villain, Really? If you have enough time on your hands to tweet mean things about celebs, then you have enough time to get cussed out by them I'm sorry. She cusses people out who are mean to her and I love it.

Lastly, how can I not love Rihanna's style. That girl has style and changes her look up as much as I change my underwear. Her high confidence is why she is able to pull off every look & hairstyle she attempts. Rihanna owns her looks, that's why so many women change their weave every time she does, from blonde to black, long to bald. She keeps me interested and intrigued, which is hard for a celeb to do when they never go away. There was a time Beyonce never went away and I couldn't stand her after a while...because she's bores me. Rihanna is having fun with her fame and I'm loving her for it.

 "On my Martin shit, you go girl"