GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Have you ever had a conversation in your head with someone, then when the time to have the real conversation comes up it didn't go how you planned it out in your head. It usually doesn't go as planned because you expected the other person to say what you wanted to hear. Your expectations become shattered and you end up being disappointed. Not only in conversation but in almost every area of our lives we EXPECT things to be a certain way. Some expect great and some people expect disaster.

I believe in the law of attraction and that energy attracts like energy. If I'm thinking negative more than likely, if not every time...negative happens. When I think positive, if not every time...positive happens. I've learned to have great expectations. There is nothing wrong with expecting a great life and great love to surround you. What I struggle with in this new positive mindset is that I expect things to go exactly as planned then I end up greatly disappointed when my plans are altered in reality. I will literally plan whole conversations in my head with people and expect the conversation to go that way in reality. I will be talking to them and think "okay now they are going to react this way and say this, this and this", I will wait for it and say to myself "hmmm that wasn't supposed to happen". I'm disappointed now. When I was seeking a man and it seemed like they were nowhere to be found, I would go out NOT expecting to meet a man...and guess what, I never did. Now when I go out I expect to meet a man...and guess what I never meet the ones I want. I'm placing expectations on things that are to come naturally.

Conversations are supposed to be natural. If I go out on the town I can hope to meet someone, but I should never expect it. When I'm having a conversation with someone I need to get out of their brains and listen to what's coming out of their mouths. It's not every time I talk to someone that I'm planning their side of the conversation, it's usually when I'm coming to them with something I've been wanting to talk to them about. I expect them to respond in a way that's going to make me 100% satisfied at the end of the conversation.

I've been praying about this lately because I've noticed that it's something I keep doing. I expect everything to go a certain way so that I will be blissfully happy at the end of each day. I've turned the law of attraction into trying to orchestrate every part of my life and other peoples lives as well. The law of attraction is Ask, Believe, Receive. What I'm doing is replacing belief with expectations, therefore I'm not receiving what I want because I'm trying to do it all myself. BELIEF. If I believe in what I'm asking for and really believe it, everything that is supposed to happen with happen naturally in due time. The only things I have control over are my thoughts, which control my actions. Everything else is God. So the fact that I'm trying to place mind control on the rest of the world is a waste of time. I finally understand what people mean when they say "shatter your expectations".

-Namaste

The First Time I Felt It (My Thoughts On Zimmerman Verdict)

I waited for 2 days to hear the verdict and on the 2nd day I received a text from my mother that read "George Zimmerman not guilty". My heart sank into my stomach and I cried. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't freaking believe it. It had to be a mistake, I thought someone jumped the gun as usual and posted false information. There was just no way in hell that this scumbag got off for killing an innocent child?!?!?! No way! I kept refreshing the CNN.COM news page on my phone hoping it would read differently but it didn't. It was clear as day...ZIMMERMAN NOT GUILTY. I texted everyone in my phone who I thought would care as much as I did. My sadness turned into rage. Never in my lifetime (I'm 26) have I experienced such injustice. This was the first time I really saw how unjust this country is. As a black woman I can admit we have it easier than our black men, we know about the cruelty and racism but we don't experience it as much as them.

When it's flashing across my screen in 2013, I experience all of it. My heart ached for Trayvon and for every black man walking this earth. Today someone told me that I should have experienced this feeling in regards to Troy Davis, but I can only feel what's real to me and I can't apologize for that. I was ignorant about the Davis case until days before his execution just like many others. I wasn't fronting pretending to know what I was talking about when I didn't have a clue what was going on. What happened to Troy Davis was unfair and unjust, but my heart wasn't invested in it. My heart has been invested in the Martin case for over a year now and for it to come to this makes me weak. Every time I think about it or try to talk about it I become extremely passionate, my voice gets loud and my arms begin to flail around. THIS moved me to my core. I've read books and seen movies on the civil rights movement and I recognized how badly our people were treated. So many leaders fought and died so that we can have rights and so that we may be protected. 

Fast forward to present day. We have a society of Internet activist that like to hashtag and blackout photos showing their support for the victims. When the media circus dies down, they're activism dies down as well. Hastagging and photos do NOTHING. I'm sorry to upset the masses but it's true. Taking 2 seconds out of your day to repost a photo of Trayvon in between posting photos of Love and Hip Hop memes, is doing what? Please let me know. I don't knock anyone who would like to show support in anyway, but if you honestly think you're making a real difference in the case or the other injustices of black people, then I'm sorry my friend you're sadly mistaken. I feel like the modern day black community has taken a "good enough" approach to life and to their civil rights. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's work was not complete when he left this earth. When he left is when everyone realized that you have to literally DIE for what you believe in. No one is as passionate as Martin and Malcolm and other leaders because they are afraid of the backlash. We ridicule Al and Jesse, saying they take everything too seriously, they need to lighten up. They don't have the support of our community. Clearly, CLEARLY we still have a long way to go. The fight did not end when Martin's life did. 

It seems like black people are okay with the status quo. You shouldn't ask for a raise, because at least you have a job, don't complain about the misogyny of hip-hop because at lease we're still in the industry, don't get so upset over black on black crime, it's all they know in the hood. Why have we taken such a laid back attitude towards our own life and culture. Everything is just good enough for us, we don't want to upset the massa because he's going to hurt us if we speak out. Trayvon did not die in vain, if he woke me up I know he woke up many other Americans; black and white. 

It's really time to wake up and realize that there is still a lot of progress to be made and it starts within ourselves. We have to figure out what it is that we can do as individuals to make a positive change within our community. Understanding ourselves will give us clearer vision on what steps we can take to improve this society. No longer can we sit back and post hashtags claiming to have done all we could. This is not what Dr. King had in mind, the fight is not over. Let's start with loving each other and stop this crab in the bucket & you can never get on my level mentality, that only hurts us. If we don't care about each other, why should they care? 

Don't let Trayvon's death be another trend, let it be a lesson. 

-Namasté 

The Time Is Now

Timing is NOT everything. I don't know who came up with that and why I believed it for so long. Yes, I understand the concept that everything happens in it's own time. But waiting for the perfect time is a belief that many of us hold onto, and as a result it hinders our growth. "Good things come to those who wait", remember that one? NO, good things come to everybody...it's just life. But good things that we want and desire come to those who go after their dreams and work their butts off.

Let me tell you a little something about myself. I'm a waiter. I read a quote today that said, "If you wait for inspiration to write, you're not a writer, you're a waiter" - Dan Poynter. This quote sat with me all day long and I kept thinking; not only with my writing but also in other areas of my life- I wait. Well, when I get a new job I'll dress up for work. When I move in 6 months I'll decorate my room. I'll start writing my book once the semester is over. When the semester is over I'll focus more on my fitness. It's always something. I'm always waiting for the perfect time to do what I can be doing right now. There is no such thing as perfect timing. God is not going to come down before you and say "TODAY IS THE DAY". Everyday is THE day, that's why he woke you up this morning. He woke us up so that we can work diligently on our gifts.

In order to overcome laziness or fear, whichever stronghold that's stopping you from progressing, you need to figure out what works for you and change your thinking. The reward system doesn't work for me, a new dress for getting up early every day. Or the opposite; the punishment system, taking away something for not following through. Certain days (okay everyday) I will get up and drag my feet because I don't want to go to work, my job is not my career so I have to pep talk myself in the mornings. I quickly realize I can't quit otherwise I'd be homeless so I suck it up and hop in the shower. Lately, I've had many reminders whether through Instagram quotes or just by being in the right circles; that everyday is a gift and we are given each day to use our gifts. I only work 8 hours a day, I have at LEAST 9-10 hours left (I have to sleep) to work on my gifts.

THAT is what's working for me. I know that God didn't put me on this earth to just sit around and wait for something good to land in my lap. When I was younger I didn't have a clue of what I wanted to do with my life so I just wanted to marry rich. Seriously. I would pray that I would meet a rich man to take care of me so I didn't have worry about figuring out my purpose. I'm 26 and single...I think I need to figure it out. Understanding now that I'm not an accident and we are not here to just simply exists, that's my motivation. This dream, gift, purpose God placed within me is not an accident so I need to stop questioning it. My doubt leads to laziness. It's all about trusting Him and my purpose, that's where I am right now in my life. TRUSTING.

*The calender above is my schedule/tasks for everything. I need to see it right in front of me every morning so that I can hold myself accountable. Looking at what I need to do everyday reminds me to continue on this journey with FAITH and TRUST. It's not going to hurt me, only good will come from dedication and hard work.

-Namaste

Ask, Believe, Receive! Oh, And Say Thank You!

One of my main goals this year is to work on SELF, my mind needed a major overhaul so I have been consistently day in and day out working on myself. I've been feeling great and I have seen vast improvements when it comes to my state of mind. I'm more open and happy, a little less shy and a lot less selfish. For the most part things have been great. I've been asking, believing and receiving the things in life I've been wanting. Last week I was in a major funk and I still am to be quite honest, but I realized in all my funkiness that I haven't thanked God in a long time. I do my usual memorized prayer every night that gives thanks to God for my family, friends and life, but I haven't taken the time out to really thank Him for the little things in my life.

Last week I was mad at the world, everything and everybody was pissing me off for no reason. I had to take a major step back to breathe and count my blessings. Was what I'm upset about really that serious? Does it take away from everything else that is beautiful in my life? The answer is no.

When things are going really well in our lives we tend to forget what it was like when life wasn't so good. I've been so happy and I never stopped to say thanks for all the new-found happiness I've been receiving. I stopped praying and I stopped thanking. Maybe, my nasty mood was the devil trying to bring me down or maybe it was God trying to pull me up. He's pulled me up so far when I asked him to and now that I'm closer to the top, I tend to forget what the bottom feels like. I forgot the anger and hurt I was holding onto for years, I forgot what it felt like to feel lonely, I forgot what it was like to be broke, I forgot what it was like to be rejected. And all of those feelings came down on me at one time and I couldn't handle it. 

Instead of figuring out those feeling I lashed out then crawled back inside of my shell where it's safe. That's not where I want to be at all so I had to decide if it was bad enough that I had to derail my progress because of it. Instead of starting over from 21 and being depressed, my 26 year old self decided to be grateful. I spent the day thinking of things that I'm grateful for; the trees, my dog, my family, my friends, my car, my job, my skin, my hair, my life! Even though I'm not where I want to be and things don't always go my way, I have to keep my eyes open to the good around me otherwise I'm going to miss out. 

Take the time to be grateful and thank God (or whatever higher power you believe in) every single day for everything about your life. If you woke up today, you are better off than a lot of people. Everyday is a gift and we must rejoice and be glad about it. Your problems will fade away once you focus your energy on all things positive. Instead of spending your days complaining about your problems, invest your energy in saying thank you for the good that you do have in your life and you will get more of it...PROMISE. 

-Namaste

It's So Simple

I can't make any excuses for my lack of exercise and yoga practice even though I want to. I just haven't been keeping up with it even though I have all the time in the world. It's probably been a month since I've done either and this weekend I realized that it's not acceptable for me to be living the way I am. This half-ass life. 

Start. Stop. Start. Stop. See Results. Stop. Take 5 Steps Back. Start Over. It's a vicious, vicious cycle. 

Tonight I started back with my yoga, if you remember I started doing yoga to be able to perform the splits and before I stopped I made significant progress in my stretching so I was a little worried that I would be back at square one. I wasn't thank God! Yoga is tough if you don't know so I was dreading having to start all over and work my way back up, but luckily only a few stretches are slightly off. What I really need to be doing is adding a few new stretches into my routine, and keep it up forever. 

Tomorrow comes the gym and weight lifting. I lost a lot of weight from eating healthy and exercising (go figure) because it really is that simple. What I also lost was my ass, it didn't bother me that other people were talking about my lack of ass but it bothered me because my ass really did disappear. It was the flattest I have ever seen it in my life. I was not okay with that because it was already minuscule. So, I've been stuffing my face for the past month and I gained my booty back...along with flabby arms and a flabby belly. It's summertime and I need to be in a bikini ASAP, which means I need to be in a gym asap. Also, along with the unwanted flab came the sickness. You are what you eat, if you eat unhealthy food you will be/feel unhealthy. Everyday I feel uncomfortable and sick, my skin looks bad and my nails are weak. Crazy right? Tomorrow I will continue stuffing my face, but only with healthy real foods. The first day back in the gym is going to kick my ass, but my ass and the rest of my body needs it. 

I never wanted to grow up and be this inconsistent woman with no sense of routine or structure. For a little while I believed that people with sporadic lives with no day to day plans were cool, but I realize now that a productive successful life needs order, structure and routine. So here I go, holding myself to a higher standard and thanking myself for it everyday. 

-Namaste

When It Hits You

Lianne La Havas- "Elusive" (Official Music Video) 

I'm pretty sure I'm late on this Lianne La Havas train but at least I got on, right? I always listen to "Lost and Found" when it comes on the radio but I never looked her up, well until 2 days ago. I've been listening to her music non-stop since. This woman, this amazing woman is making my life right now. I love a good vocal, good music, good lyrics. So therefore I love her. "Elusive" is by far my favorite song off her album "Is Your Love Big Enough". I can't get enough of it. Then when I saw the video! Yes! It's like that! It's rare these days to see a video that matches the beauty of a song, simple, elegant, beauty.




*The second part to the video is for her song "Gone" (Watch it Here) and it will move you. Promise.

What I Learned About Discipline From My Dog

That picture on the right there...that's me and my dog Javier. Javier is a 1 year old Chihuahua and he's amazing. I brought him home from the Humane Society in October when he was just under a 1 year old. He was already potty trained when I got him which made me love him anymore. When I first got Javier he was scared and calm, he stuck to my schedule without trying to fight it in any way. He did what I told him to do and I was the master. It's been 8 months and Javier has become very comfortable. For the most part I love it, he has the biggest personality I've even seen in a dog. We know exactly what he's saying because that's how precise his body language is, he has very human like qualities about him, I love it.

Recently I noticed that he has to go to the bathroom more often than normal. So when he has to go, I take him because I don't want him to go in the house. The other day I took him to that bathroom 6 times in 5 hours, seriously. Did I mention I live on the forth floor, no elevator? Javier used to be a 3 times maybe 4 times a day dog, once in the morning, once when I got home from work, and once before bed. That's it! So what changed? I did. Javier was disciplined and had a very strict schedule, he knew that if he didn't do his business the first time then he would have to wait. Now, I take him out when ever he jumps so he knows now that he can go whenever he wants to. I used to just feed him at night, now I feed him half in the morning and half at night. His routine is all jacked up.

House dogs are very routine animals and they only do what the master allows them to do. I let this animal act a fool so now he tests his boundaries and I accommodate with an attitude. Today I realized that my dog is a reflection of me, I have no routine, I have no structure, that's why at times my life can seem so chaotic  Nothing gets done because I switch things up so much, I need a routine. I need to stop giving myself so much leeway  I'm like my dog I give myself an inch and I'll take a mile. Knowing that things can get done 'whenever' makes me procrastinate. Today, Javier has been put back on schedule. Today, I need to put myself on a schedule so I can get stuff done. Dogs are smart, they understand the need for order and discipline. They might not like it, but they respect it.

I Had A Dream You Were The Ocean

Is there something that's holding you back from reaching your full potential? We all have these vision boards, whether literal vision boards on our walls or the mental vision boards in our heads. Everyday we envision what we want our lives to look like and we map out how we're going to do it. The problem is that there is often very little follow through and I'm guilty of that. Rarely we follow through because we're unsure of the outcome and we question our own vision. How will I get to XYZ and what if I get there and it doesn't work out. We are afraid of what we can't see.

For example, you're ready to make a career change  but the fear of being unhappy even in a new career keeps you stagnant. Or you're not sure how you will land said career job, so that keeps you from trying because there's no way you'll get that type of job without experience right? You could be contemplating moving across the country or to another country, but what if you don't like it? What if you miss your friends too much? It's not worth the risk, so you stay put.

I know someone who has been saying since we were 18 that she's going to move to California, we're 26 and she still says it but she's afraid to move her feet. The only reason I can think of as to why she's still in Virginia is because she has a great fear of the unknown, like the majority of us do. If you have been talking about doing something for over a year, then it's probably something you really want to do. So just do it already. What's the worst that can happen, you do it, don't like it and have to figure out a new plan? That sounds better to me than 5 years going by and you're still wondering, what if?

 In order to reach our full potential we must get rid of this illusion of fear. Fear really is an illusion. Most women are afraid of bugs because they look gross, not because they're going to bring harm to us, yet we squeal when we see them. Why? It's an illusion of fear, we aren't comfortable around bugs so they scare us. I used to be afraid of roaches until I moved in my first apartment in Atlanta, the complex was infested with roaches. The first few months I would freak when I saw them but after a while I was no longer afraid. I was used to them, seeing and killing roaches everyday became a routine.

 Going to our 9-5 boring low salary jobs are fine because we're comfortable, trying to find a new job in this economy is too scary so we stay put. People even tell us to stay put and not take that risk, they feed us fear so we eat it up. They tell you not to move away because the cost of living is expensive over there, there aren't any jobs there, the people there are crazy. We just gulp, gulp, gulp, swallow it all and sit and wait and wonder as time passes by. What are we waiting for? Seriously, what's the worst that can happen, it doesn't work out...oh well that just brings you one step closer to your destiny. What's the best that can happen...it works out and brings you one step closer to your destiny.

-Namaste

Take the risk, lose sight of the shore. 

Sometimes You Have To Go It Alone

My mom says I deserve a vacation. I say EVERYONE deserves a vacation. Even people who don't work hard and people who don't work at all, everyone deserves to get away from their everyday life and see the outside of their city, state, country. I saw on a news special that in Paris it's the LAW that employees aren't allowed to work over 40 hours a week and they MUST use their 2 MONTHS vacation time. Even if they don't want to...they have to take off work. Can you imagine? Must be nice. They interviewed a Parisian store owner and asked him why Parisians let people take so much time off, his reply was something like this; "Americans work way too much, they don't take time to enjoy life, they are work work work, and IF you worked hard enough and long enough and if you get too stressed out THEN you deserve a vacation, then you deserve to have fun. We don't need a reason to have fun or take a break, we don't have to 'earn' it because we always deserve to be happy." *Now that I wrote that I don't think I saw it on the news or maybe it wasn't Paris. I don't know but either way I came across some version of that conversation/interview, it happened I just can't remember the details.*

After I saw that I sat back and thought about my dad, the man who works and works and works and doesn't enjoy life. He never uses his vacation days and he doesn't like to go anywhere. If someone says they want to go on vacation he questions why they deserve to take a break. How hard do you have to work before you're allowed to enjoy life without guilt? I'm not buying a home anymore so I have a little money chunk sitting in the bank. I haven't really worked hard this past year, I didn't do great in school this semester so if we are going by the American way of thinking that means I don't deserve a vacation. I don't deserve a break from the very routine life I live, I should stick to the routine for another year and see if I do better, then I can break if there is vast improvement in my life.

Today, tomorrow and everyday from here on out...I'm a Parisian (in my heart). I'm going on vacation and I'm not going to feel bad about it AT ALL. Oh My God! I'm finally going on a vacation!! It's been 6 years since my 1st real vacation. I'm going to ask a few friends if they want to join me on a nice European tour (that was my first vacation, Italy/Greece/Turkey tour), they are long tours and usually all inclusive. Here's the thing, I know my friends and only 1 maybe 2 will even consider going. Not because my friends wont want to go but because like me, money can be funny. My money is not funny right now so I want to use it to LIVE and enjoy myself. I'm a single woman so I can't ask a boyfriend, though it would be nice to vacation with a man. If my 1 maybe 2 friends say no, I've already accepted the fact that I'm probably going it alone. And that's scary as faaaaack.

I don't really think anything bad will happen to me if I travel alone, I don't even really think I would get bored. I'll more than likely be with a group of people that are in my tour majority of the time. I'm of course going to read up on traveling alone and make sure I know all the safety tips. The scary part is DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE. I've never even eaten at a restaurant alone, so going to a different country by myself is a massive deal. Years ago I went to see Sex and the City 2 by myself a month after it came to theaters because I got tired of waiting for my friends to go see it with me. If I keep waiting for my friends to be ready to go on vacation (which I have been for 3 years now) then I will probably never leave the state. I would love it if my friends came with me, but if they don't I can't take a seat and miss out on life.

This is where my fearless FEAR LESS kicks in. I'm going on vacation this year no matter what, no matter what. Just the thought of it makes my heart sing, I can feel a little light inside me when I think about stepping into a different country. I haven't decided when or where I want to go yet, but right now I'm thinking Spain in August. I will host my own version of Eat, Pray Love. I don't have any reason not to go, there is nothing holding me back. I choose my own path. I can choose to be scared and wait for my friends or I can go it alone and see what life gives me in return.

-Namaste

I'm Not Moving

I decided to renew my lease with my roommate, I was originally supposed to move in July but she's getting married in December so I can hold out until then. I was pressed to move because, I didn't tell anyone but...I was going to buy a condo. I found a few that I loved and my bids weren't high enough so people outbid me, at the time I was bummed out, now I see it as a blessing. Buying a home is a big step and commitment and it was a commitment I was ready to make. I was ready to make the commitment, not spend the money. I have the money to do so and the credit, I've been saving my money fairly well and I saved my tax return. It was so hard not to do anything rachet with my return; like buy some Malaysian Silky or go on a shopping spree. If I would've bought a house all of my savings would be gone, I would move in with zero in my savings and I would be stuck in my new house because I can't afford to go out anywhere. So mentally, yes I was ready to buy a house. Realistically, no I'm not ready.

It was something I wanted to do because I felt like I haven't accomplished anything significant yet. Owning a home to me was saying "No I don't have a college degree yet, no I'm not married, no I don't have any kids, no I don't have a career, but hey I own a home so I'm a grown up too". My mortgage would be cheaper than rent but the initial moving and set up and home buying expenses would set me back and frankly...I'm tired of being set back. My path isn't the same as everyone else, my life isn't like everyone else so why am I comparing my progress with theirs? Owning a home would be nice but now that I'm being more real with myself, it's not a top priority. I want to have money in the bank, I want to travel, I want to go out, that's where I am in life. I might be late but I showed up. I'm learning to live and love and be me without the worry of judgement. Everything with work out in it's own time, I will own a home at the right time. In December I might be singing a different song but for right now, I'm good.

-Namaste

Sometimes You Have To Leave People Behind

It's taken me a while to publish this post; I keep starting and erasing it and starting over again. I want to be able to express myself without offending anyone that I know who may stumble across this blog. While going through the motions I thought about just scraping this post and focusing on the next topic, but I can't. I have to let this out of me and put it in the universe and pray no offense is taken.

It's time to leave some people behind.

I moved to Atlanta about 6 years ago to get away and start a new and exciting life and when I got here I just STOPPED. My life became stagnant and boring, I only went to work and the gym. The friendships that I formed were with people who were minimum 10 years older than me, MINIMUM. If they were my age they were males who were trying to sleep with me but I never let them. I threw them in the friend zone and watched them torture themselves; I had fun though. The older friends were fun and they have given me great wisdom to carry me through the rest of my life. I loved having intelligent conversations with them but I would always secretly wish they were my age.

Then the year came when I formed a few toxic friendships which kept me in a state of depression and loneliness. I don't know if you've ever been depressed before but when you are...nothing gets accomplished. I never wanted to do anything except party and hangout with people I didn't really like. I prayed for God to remove them from my life because I didn't know how to do it myself. I knew how I just didn't want to because I didn't want to be friendless in Atlanta...again. God removed them for me probably a week after I asked him to, that came with drama and stress as well. Even though I wasn't please with his execution and strategy, in the long run I was happy that he helped me out.

Then came another year or so in Atlanta with little to no friends. A few friends were still stressing me out and they were constant drama; so I not so eloquently told them that they were driving me crazy and I needed to be free of them. I hurt their feelings but at the time I felt good, I finally felt free of having to "deal" with other people. By this time I had one little bestie by my side, she is still right here with me. We play together and we grow together. That's what I love.

Some friendships that I happily let go of before have come back into my life. I decided to give people second chances and allow them to be in certain parts of my life. They are my friends but the dynamics of the relationship has changed. Here's the thing about following your gut, if you decide to follow it you need to stick to it. If you leave something in the past don't go back and try to find it, you left it there for a reason and it wasn't important enough to take with you in the first place. So let it go. I'm not saying that my friendships now aren't important but I already see that a majority of them won't be in my near future. They may be in my life but in a small little corner pocket that I only go into for holidays, birthdays and the occasional "let's grab drinks and catch up".

They're moving to the corner left pocket because I'm growing and I don't feel that they're growing with me. A lot of them still carry on with drama and gossip of friends in their immediate circle, which I partake in because it's just to easy. I don't want to hangout with people who I talk behind their backs, it's so immature of me. Most of them are in the same spot (mentally, financially, emotionally) as they were when I met them years ago. I haven't made much progress either which isn't healthy for anyone in this situation. You are who you hangout with and we're bringing each other down. Well they might not feel that way but I do and that's why I must move on with my life.

I'm ready for growth, I'm ready for change, I'm ready to be living the life that I've always wanted. If I mapped out my life for the most part my social circle would not look like this. If I mapped it out I would actually have a social circle again. My circle would be filled with progressive, smart, fun, emotionally sound, kind men and women who are about growth and self discovery. They would be working steadily towards their goals and their dream life. I know in order to attract those type of people I must become that type of person myself and I'm working at that every day. The rest will take care of itself.

-Namaste
(for some reason I always think that when I finish writing, so I decided that will be my signature from here on out)


Have you ever had to let go of friendships for your own personal growth? How did you do it and how has you life changed since? Express yourself! 

The Pursuit of Happiness

Hello!!! I haven't forgot about my blog. I have been so extremely busy, not busy, bored, anxious, annoyed, happy, sad, fearful, and fearless over the past few months. A lot is going on in my personal life and even more is going on in my brain. The deadline is approaching for me to be moving out, a few months ago I was counting down the days; now I'm wanting time to slow down just a tad because my mind is chaotic right now and I need to breath.

One of my promises to myself this year that I would be fearless, live the life I had always imagined, take chances and not care what people think of me. Essentially, I want to be happy about my life. Not complaisant, not content, not satisfied. No. I want to wake up everyday knowing that I'm living in my purpose and I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I have yet to LIVE. I've been out of the nest for 7 years and still haven't spread my wings; I'm that bird that's hopping on the ground in parking lots dodging cars. I'm in constant battle with myself, God and the universe on "what I want my life to be", I never get shit done because I can never start anything without changing my mind about it first.

HOME

In my Carrie Bradshaw post I told you that I wanted to be like Carrie Bradshaw from SATC when I got older. Live in the city and have a fabulous life. Well, that's what I've decided to do. I'm tired of waiting and waiting and waiting for the right time to make a move. I've lived in Atl for 6 years, had 3 different apartments and none of them have been in the city or close to it. I'm about 15 mins away now but that's not the city living I'm talking about. I'm talking real you live downtown so you walk more than you drive type of city living. Obviously downtown living is quite pricey, well I discovered so is living everywhere else in Atlanta so I might as well take the risk. Of course my square footage will be compromised considerably but that's okay, I have too much shit that I need to get rid of anyways.

SCHOOL 

School is playing with my emotions right now. College is my least favorite thing in life, I've never liked school it's not my thing. I come from the school of hard knocks and I let the streets be teacher. Just kidding, sorta. I do in fact learn more outside of school then I do within it. Am I dropping out, no. After this semester I'm taking a semester or two off. I was sooooo scared to tell my mom because I thought she would be disappointed, and I was scared to tell my friends because I thought they would think 'AGAIN???'. Then I woke up one day and thought "This is my damn life! Why am I so concerned with what they want me to do? I'm the one who's unhappy!" I told my mom and she understood. Everyone tells me to just do it and get it over with, which is easier said than done. Since I can pursue my future career without a degree, I'm fine with the go at your own pace method. I want to live and enjoy myself, even if that means graduating at the age of 35.

FRIENDSHIP/LOVE

My first year in Atlanta I had a roommate, the apt and friendship was over after 3 months. I was alone with one friend in Atlanta and asshole men I dated to pass the time. The next few years in Atlanta was filled with asshole friends and asshole men. The past year my time was spent weeding out the good from the bad, and deciding who I wanted to have in my life. My past mistakes in friendships and dating were just lessons for me to grow. Many people have come and gone over the past few years and I thank them for what they taught me. My biggest lesson was that if it doesn't agree with your spirit then let it go. There was a time when I could be fake and pretend I liked certain people for the sake of being in a group of friends. Now, psssstttt please! I spend time ONLY with people who agree with my spirit and make me happy. I refuse to hangout with someone I don't like or care for anymore. Why? Why did I ever do that before? It's so freeing when you don't have to pretend. Men that aren't for me, I can recognize immediately now and I don't even entertain them anymore. Free is the brain who's not stressing over love lost. Love, real love will come and it will come with abundance because there will be nothing blocking the flow. I would really like to build new friendships with like minded people and increase my social circle. 

CAREER/WORK

School is out the picture for a little bit so my regular 9-5 life will resume right? Wrong. Though I wont be in school there are some entrepreneurial endeavors that have been placed in my mind by God and I just can't shake them. I was going to explore this calling while in school but I want to give my full attention to this idea and make it happen. A few of my friends dreams transpired before my eyes over the past year. A friend I work with told me an idea she had, worked at it like a dog and now she's trying to figure out how to handle all the success that came from her small idea. She dedicated herself to it and now she's "made it". Full dedication and hard work is what it going to take and I'm okay with that. I have to honor my calling. I have a few projects and this blog that I want to give my full attention...only good will come of it. 

No matter what you do people will find something negative to say about you. That's why I no longer care what someone's opinion of my lifestyle is. If I want to take 20 years to finish a 4 year college then I'm going to, if I want to move to a hole in the wall in the city...then I will. My life will be lived the way I want from here on out, I can't worry about what others think of it. I'm doing this for me. I'm in the pursuit of happiness. 

A Woman's Journey (my perspective)

I believe the most important part of a woman's life is the moment when she begins to fall in love with herself. No matter how many people told you that you were attractive or even if you were the most popular girl in school just off looks alone; when you're a young girl you're terribly insecure. You're deathly afraid of you're own image. The pressure to be beautiful kicks in because you're growing up knowing that one day you will have to compete for a husband. In order to make it through life as a halfway decent woman you'll need to someone to love you and to want to take care of you. That right there will turn to a innocent child into a terrified confused teenager. Then by the time we are all wanting to die because we can't figure out how to look like the next girl, we go through a phase. Some will chase men and sleep around, some will shy away from boys completely, some will involve themselves with the wrong men, while others find comfort in a long term boyfriends and will be terrified to be alone. We will all place ourselves somewhere we don't really want to be, and we think the next girl has it good when in reality all of us are messed up.

After the terrible teen years pass we become little women between the ages 20-25 and the pressure is on to find a mate to make our happy home with. You know, the one with the white picket fence. Our deepest prayers are that the next guy is the last guy, that we could end the game of "he's not the one". We've all heard the rumor that our stock begins to plummet at 25 and no one wants to have kids with a woman over 30....so this is it. We must find him in the next few years or we will fail the life's work of a woman. Every man we meet becomes a target, we look him in the eyes and our minds wonder what our life would be like together before we even find out his name. Some of us find him and will be scratched from single woman existence and disappear into a different world. Then there are some of us who would do anything for a husband and will pick the first bidder. Trying to turn every man we meet into the one and subscribe to Bride magazine while we're still single.There are some girls who replace love with partying and/or careers, occupying the time until Mr. Right arrives; praying that we can find fulfillment without a ring. These years are the worst for all the girls because we want the life on the other side, we think the grass greener no matter whose yard we're standing in. We try new looks, personalities and friends; we can't seem to hold onto anything. These years are dark and scary, nothing makes sense.

Soon after that you began to look back and study yourself from the outside, reminiscing of the girl you used to be. You stop being mad at her for doing certain things because you realize she was just a kid. In those moments she only got to see one side of every problem she faced; which didn't give her a fair advantage of how to win each battle. You see now that she reacted that way because that's all she knew how to do in that moment. You feel sorry for all the bad things she went through so you nurture her wounds and begin to love her. You forgive her for not appreciating her beauty back then, she didn't realize she was one of a kind. She will love her body as a woman because you love her so much you decided to take care of it for her. You let her heal and you let her grow. You tell her to stop being afraid because you've already gotten so far and it's just going to get better. The mistakes she made back then are no longer mistakes, they are lessons. You no longer look for love in the wrong places and you no longer have to run from it either, because you found the love within yourself. You realize that you are enough. This is the best part of becoming a woman, the moment you realize when it's happening.

Naturally Thin

I've had this blog topic in my queue for quite some time now and today more than any seems like the perfect time to post on this subject. I've been working on lifestyle changes in every aspect of my life. I decided I need to eat healthy & clean (especially since diabetes runs in my family), exercise more, take care of my skin, hair, mind, everything! I've even been putting in the effort to dress better at work. My staple outfit for work used to be leggings/ jeggings with and over-sized sweater and riding boots. It was simple and easy so I rocked that look almost everyday. Lately I've been dressing to impress so now my coworkers have begun to take notice...of my body. Last week I received a few questions as to WHY I'm losing so much weight. I answer truthfully "I'm just changing my eating habits". Then I received a comment from a male coworker who said to me "You losing all that weight, you know men in Atl like the women thick". You know because you have to live your life the way the majority of men want you to, otherwise you're going to be left out in the cold. 

This morning I was getting dressed for work, pulled on my bootleg jeans, a white slouchy tee, a black biker zip up shirt (left open) and my pointy toe black boots. I was was going for a rocker style and I thought I looked great today, I was feeling myself. When I got to work I was confronted by most everyone in my office about how skinny I've become. Apparently I lost 50 pounds in 2 weeks because people just noticed I lost weight and they seem to have a big problem with it. I had ignorant rude questions of "concern" like "are you eating?", "is everything okay?".  All the way to the rude comments such as "You have a white girl ass now/ maybe you should get booty shots/she lost all her lady parts/don't fall apart!" I was annoyed and pissed that these overweight and unhealthy MEN had so much to say about my looks. 

The big kicker for me was when 2 of the managers were in their office talking when I walked by and I was called in to talk about my recent weight loss. I have never in my life been so attacked because of the way I looked, they just wouldn't let up. When I stepped in the office the one manager said to me, "turn around and show him (the other manager) how much weight you've lost in your butt." I replied "Are you fucking kidding me? No!" The other manager asks me whats going on with my weight and I begin to tell him about how I'm starting to eat healthy and how I cut out certain foods, I was just going on and on praying that this would kill the questions. When I left his office I walked the long hall back to my desk thinking that everyone now was looking at me wondering what was wrong with me and why this black girl was choosing to be thin. As soon as my flat ass hit my chair I thought to myself "Why the fuck are you explaining yourself to these people?" 

I refuse to explain myself and my weight to another person EVER AGAIN. I've been doing this shit since I was a child and I'm over it. The next time someone says something to me I'm going to kindly reply "I don't want to talk about it" aka "mind your got damn business". If you know me, you know I would never starve myself or harm my body so if I'm healthy and happy and SKINNY then you need to press on. I've never been fat or overweight in my life. My size fluctuates between thin and skinny, that's the range my body has. I'm sure if I let myself go completely I could become overweight, we all can. I wouldn't let myself go to that extent because I'm happy with my size. 

I weighed 115 pounds all through high school and used to get teased about my weight all the time. I once begged my doctor to give me something to help me gain weight...her reply to me was "Girls KILL themselves to be your size, you need to be grateful". Well when you put it like that. Even when I was a little girl I remember my Nana would make me drink Ensure with every meal to fatten me up, I was 6 years old. Since the age of 6 I have been explaining to people why I'm so small. In black culture thin women are not deemed attractive, so if you're a black thin woman...that's a problem. You need to eat a sandwich, cornbread, ham-hocks, meatloaf, fried chicken, everything in site so you don't.look.like.that. When I was a teen I would go to my friends house or their grandparents house and I would get the same reaction from everyone "Oh baby, you need to eat something, get some meat on those bones." I'm full. 

This has follwed me around my whole life, I thought as an adult it would be over. I recently went from thin and unhealthy to thin and healthy...society would like me as the former. Though had somewhat of booty, it was sloppy and came along with a nice fluffy tummy that was hidden behind clothes. The tummy was accompanied by some A cup boobies that became one with side fat underneath my arms, which would blend with the back fat that I would have to tuck under my bra so the back of my shirts wouldn't look so lumpy. 

 Before and after pictures from unhealthy to healthy.

 Before (with a very padded bra): April 2012 / After: January 2013

People would say I have body dysmorphia and none of that is true or that there is nothing wrong with that, but when they are doing the same thing as me everyday (trying to hide back fat and muffin tops) it's different because I'm smaller. It's not. Fat is fat, whether you're skinny or big. Of course, OF COURSE I would love to wake up tomorrow with a body like Kim K but that's not who God made me to be. I WILL NOT apologize for that anymore, I can't spend my days explaining to people why I look the way I do. I've spent my life doing so already. 

I'm naturally thin along with millions of other black women, get over it. I have a slight head cold today and when I got home from work I didn't feel like eating dinner, I just wanted to lay down but then the voices came to my head about how skinny I was and I thought "Oh no I must eat something so I don't lose anymore weight". Do you see how the negative words of others can effect someone else's life? It's called bullying, yeah I throw jabs back best believe, but I never throw them first because I know what they can do. I looked at myself in the mirror long and hard today and I decided that I LOVE my body. I'm not going to start eating like a pig or become unhealthy again just to please others who do nothing for me. 

You have one life to live and you live it the way you want, you weigh the amount you want, you have as little or as much muscle as you want, dress how you want, wear your hair how you want. Don't let anyone tell you what you should look like. Telling someone they need to gain weight is the same as telling someone they need to lose weight. Either way you're telling them how YOU think they should look. It's not up to anyone else to decide what you should look like. 

Be yourself at all times! That's an order! 

The 4 Year Plan

The other night I laid down to go to sleep and thought about the fact that I'm 26 and just now getting started on making my dreams come true. I have wasted many years doing nothing and a year of that was probably wasting time on the internet. I've been thinking about where I see myself at the age of 30, in 4 blissful years I will be 30. I have a framed picture in my room of me and my friends celebrating my 22nd birthday, I look at it and think about what I have accomplished since then. 4 blissful years went by and my life is exactly the same as it was back then. 4 years wasted, seriously nothing exciting has happened at all so don't think I'm being too hard on myself. I'm just being real. I didn't change careers, I didn't get married, I didn't save thousands of dollars, go on any vacations. Nothing happened because I didn't make anything happen. This is the perfect time to write out my goals for the next four years, I need to look at them every morning, noon and night so I can be sure to stay on track.

By the time I'm 30 I will have accomplished the following: 

1. Received my bachelors degree in communications from Georgia State University.
2. Purchased a home/condo/townhouse.
3. Have my passion project (secret for now) fully started and be working that as my career. (What I need to focus on the most) **MAIN GOAL*
4. Taken 2 vacations minimum out of the country. (between now and 30).
5. Have 10k dollars cash in savings.
6. Have my car paid off.
7. Have hair down to my butt.

Sometimes you can take a wrong turn which will lead you off your path, if you don't look at the map for directions you will end up completely lost. 

Good Music Mondays

FANTASIA- I'M DOIN' ME

In honor of yesterday's post, here's a song about loving yourself and NOT settling for less than you deserve.

"Nothing more beautiful than knowing your worth"

Beasts Of the Southern Wild

I watched this movie last night and I must say never has any movie fucked with my emotions as much as this one did. I literally cried THE ENTIRE FILM!! I'm not exaggerating at all, at one point I had to pause the movie to cry because I was missing what was coming up next. I was a hot mess, I still am just thinking about it. Beasts of the Southern Wild was so beautifully written and directed, the acting was superb on everyone's part I kept forgetting that it was fiction. I was so furious at certain points and sad at others I couldn't stop crying. This is hands down one of my favorite movies of all time. The previews threw me off, definitely not what I thought it was going to be about...they did that on purpose. I highly recommend you watch it immediately!

I hope Quvenzhané Wallis wins the Oscar tonight for best actress, she definitely deserves it. Dwight Henry who played her dad in the film should have been nominated for something as well, he was amazing. 

I'm No Stupid...Anymore

There comes a time in every girls life and I mean EVERY girls life where she dates someone who is completely wrong for her. Wrong in the sense that he's an asshole and she will continue to date him praying that one day the relationship will be what she wants. She dates him because he did or said something in the beginning that gave her promise of a bright future with him. She ignored all the red flags and fell in love aka hysterical blindness. Sometimes it's not love at all and when she looks back after it's over and the wounds are healed, she laughs, she laughs hard. She puts her hands over her face, throws her head back and cracks up with laughter because she wonders "WHY DID I EVEN LIKE HIM? HE WAS SO LAME!"

There is not a woman who skated through life and dodged this guy. We've all been there and if you haven't been there yet you probably will even with all the advice you read or friends telling you how to avoid the douche bag. The thing is, he isn't even a douche bag. He is a man who treated you how you let him. Of course it would be nice if men didn't treat us like shit because we let them. If they said hey, I'm just going to lead her on and torture her emotions for months/ years, that's not nice let me stop this now; oh what a beautiful world that would be. That's not the case though, we find someone who we really like and they promise us the world and we take their word for it. WORDS MEAN NOTHING when your actions don't line up.

A guy I used to date who I still talk to from time to time was arguing with me about our past relationship. I thought he was amazing and I thought we were going to be something and I thought one day he would change and I thought it was all going to be better. I thought, I thought, I thought WRONG. It took me a while to fully get over him and the possibility of an us, and when I finally did get over it everything came to light. I realized I didn't really like him, I liked the idea of him. I told him that he was one of the worst men I have ever dated because: he was lazy, an asshole, combative, insensitive, childish, rude. We were arguing because he wanted to step back into my life and "things will be different this time". No, no, no! I'm not stupid anymore. I can't even be mad at him, I allowed him to be all those negative things and I put up with it instead of stepping out immediately. I'm don't want to wait and see if things will be better, while he was playing games I was learning the most important lesson  every woman needs to learn, my worth.

We all want to be treated like a queen and with respect from whoever we're dating, but when we learn that we deserve the best and nothing less, we'll never settle again. I deserve somebody who gives a shit, we all do. You know if you're being treated the way you deserve in a relationship, you don't need a list or a book to tell you. You already know. If you need to read a book to see if your man is treating you right, then he's not. If you're unhappy, your needs aren't getting met, he's not adding value to your life, then it's not right. Plain and simple. With every douche I dated I knew it wasn't right, I just didn't realize my worth yet so I settled. Have I dated an asshole since the one mentioned in this post? (over a year ago) NOPE! When you realize you're worth and you truly believe that you deserve the best, I promise you won't settle. You'll love yourself too much to do so.

Value yourself and know your worth! 

Hello Stranger! PGC 2013

Ello Stranga! Is what I really said in my head. I like to throw on a British accent from time to time. 

I am shy and awkward in certain social situations. If alcohol isn't involved it takes me a long time to warm up to people and feel comfortable talking to them. I'm not that girl who introduces herself to everyone in the room with a bright smile on her face. I will definitely smile but I just might not speak to you. When I was younger I was ridiculously shy...ridiculously. As an adult I want to be more social,  introduce myself to strangers and make more connections. 

That's something I've been working on lately. No more Mrs. Shy Girl. Another Personal Growth Challenge for me. 

One thing that really brightens my day is when a complete stranger says hello to me. It's so simple yet profound. I can be in a bad mood or even the best mood, but when a stranger passing me by in the isle of the grocery store or in a parking lot shouts "Hello!!! How are you?" I think, I'm great now that you spoke to me!! It warms my heart that someone feels brave enough to speak to someone they don't know and will probably never see again. I've tried the hello a few times and have been ignored...which used to make me feel awkward. Now I just laugh it off; why wouldn't you a LEAST speak back? Asshole. The rejection is going to come but there might be someone like me and a simple hello makes their heart smile. 

A reason I feel so awkward at times is because I hate when people listen to my conversations. Whether I'm on the phone, talking to someone in public, even when customers are in the lobby. My conversation is short when I think someone who's not in the conversation is listening to what I'm saying. I have to break out of my comfort zone and engage fully in conversations no matter what. This will be great skill to develop so I will feel more comfortable while networking and starting out in my career. A way I've decided to practice is talking to cashiers and customer service workers, "How's your day going?" "Ready for the weekend?" "How was your holiday?". Something, anything to break out of my comfort zone. 

A perfect example of a missed connection and possible date 

(well I'm sure he had a girlfriend or date but still): 

I was grocery shopping and I was walking down the isle and BAM! A TALL cute man standing in front of me! I smiled and kept it moving, checking him out in my peripheral every few seconds trying to feel him out. I lost him because of an isle change and found myself looking at pancake mix  a few minutes later when he strolled into my isle and stopped right behind me looking at brownie mix on the other side. I turned a few times to see what he had in his basket, a man doesn't just shop for brownie mix on a Friday evening. His basket had "date" foods in them, I could tell. He was struggling to make a decision before he called someone (his lady friend I presume) for help. Either way I wanted to say something witty to him like "Trouble with the massive brownie selection? I can help, I'm a connoisseur of boxed brownies" He would've smiled and fell in love with me, smashed his phone so he didn't have to hear from Ms. Too Lazy To Get The Brownies Herself anymore, then we would've went out on a date, and married May 2015. Perfect. Missed connection. 

Does your shyness or awkwardness keep you from speaking to strangers OR are you naturally outgoing and bubbly? 

My Target Haul: 'Clearance Rack' is my middle name.

I went to Target for toner and of course I came out with other things I don't need. I think they pump something into the air vents that makes people stay in there just a little bit long than they have to. Honestly, have you ever went into Target for one thing and left as soon as you got it? I don't know anyone who has done that so if you have, kudos to you. 

This is the toner I went in for $4

 Then I wandered around a little more and found this Shea Moisture facial kit. It includes a deep cleansing face scrub, black soap, face mask and a cream moisturizer  All for $12 (original price was $18)...STEAL!!!! 

 If you don't own a Olay ProX cleansing system you need to invest. It's way cheaper than the $200 Clarisonic cleanser and it's the SAME THING for only $20. I was way overdue on replacing the brush, like a year overdue. I'm sure you should replace them every few months or maybe even once a month. But I wash the brush after I use it for my face soooo that's why I never got around to that. *trying to convince yall that I'm not nasty* The replacement head is only $9 for a pack of 2. Seriously if you are just washing your face with your hands or a wash cloth you're NOT getting all the dirt off I promise you! Especially if you wear make up...YOU NEED THIS!! 

 I am a nail polish junkie, I will post my collection one day soon. You know you're a junkie when you get rid of close to 40 bottles and still have over 50 bottles left, then go out and buy more. The OPI polishes are on sale for $6 (originally $9) because the bottles are scratched! Thank you, keep scratching those bottle up. When I go back to wearing nail polish (see why I'm not: here) this will be the first color I wear. 

 Last but not least JEWELRY ! Well costume Jewels! I'm trying to revamp my wardrobe and style on a budget so I always check clearance racks for clothes and jewelry (which I rarely wear) but I'm starting back again. I used to wear jewelry a lot when I was younger so I'm trying to get back to it. 

Black and gold chandelier earrings $3.98, the set of 2 were $1.48, the icicle "diamonds" $3.98 and they are sick!! Love them on and now I need to find a place to wear them. 

All in all I would say I had a successful trip to my favorite store, I bought some things I needed and some cheap things I wanted. I'm saving my money and building wealth so the little things like this get me by. 

Blurbs

I rarely check my mail and when I do I never open it. School has never been my thing, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!! I'm just in college right now because I know this is something I need to do, my goal this semester was to get straight A's...not happening. Well, I finally opened my mail that I've been collecting on my nightstand for 3 weeks and there was 2 letters from my school asking me to accept my membership into the honors society! Whaaatttt, I've attended 2 colleges before and never been asked to be in anybody's society because I never had the grades. My first year at this current college I did really well, so they wanted me to join. Deadline was February 4th. Of course it was. Now I'm not doing my best so they aren't going to ask me again anytime soon. I couldn't believe it, I was so happy and proud of myself, I achieved something I never thought I could...even though I missed the deadline.

Other than that, I have so many plans for this blog and I know the aesthetics keep changing but the content is still the same. I'm not sure of what I want my blog to actually look like yet, so I keep playing around with it. There are many elements, topics and features I want to add to the blog. Such BIG plans I have tucked away in my idea journal that I need to incorporate onto this lovely little blog of mine. I also wanted to share more personal post and pictures, I need to save up for a real digital camera so I can do that. I hate using my phone. This blog and I are a work in progress, please be patient with me.

Life is GREAT! I have begun to experience a level of happiness that I've never been able to reach before in my life. This is the deep rooted happiness that surrounds your life even when nothing is happening. That's what I'm going through right now. I am falling in love with life.

Tax time! Please oh please do NOT be ignorant with your tax return. If you have goals to save your money or start a business, use your return to invest in your future...not your wardrobe. This year I'm finally getting a decent return and it's going straight into my savings. I would love some new clothes and gadgets but I can't tell you how many times large sums of money have come into my possession and I blew it all. I can't even tell you what I spent it all on, but it's gone. If you take care of your money and are smart with it, you will get more of it. Respect your refund check!

I'm really saving my refund because I'm moving in a few months. I feel like I'm always moving or I'm never settled anywhere. That might just be part of growing up and being on your own, finding a place that feels like home. When I moved last July, I moved in with a roommate...horrible idea. I don't dislike my roommate, I just dislike having a roommate. I love, love, love living on my own. I love only having people in the house if I want them there and if I invited them over. I love being alone in my thoughts and in my projects. My roommate is away for the weekend and I remember how much I enjoy solitude. I get a lot more accomplished on my own and my focus is intensified. When I get married I'm sure I will love having my husband as a roommate but for now, just me and my dog will suffice.

GET BACK ON TRACK!!!! It's a month and a half into 2013 and we all have goals of how this year is going to be our year. We started on those goals and got off track with some of them, it's okay just hop back on the track. Start from where you are, take the time to figure out what you need to do, adjust the straps and get going! I fell off on the saving money, so today I paid bills and reset my budget on mint.com. Remember to stay on top of your finances you need to be checking your accounts at least once a week. I like to check mine every other day. I also fell off with my school work, I'm just not in the mood this semester. I have no choice but to get on track with that so I adjusted my schedule so I can spend 3 hours a day on my homework.

Whatever it is you need to do to be where you want to be, just get to it! Distractions are going to pop up and throw you off track, you just have to fix the problem before it grows. Enjoy life and face your fears, save money and watch your possibilities grow. Be the best you, you can be!

Ladies, You Have a Brain So Use It!

We all know that sex sells, it doesn't really but we still like to pretend. We don't need a sexy woman to sell us plumbing solutions, toilet paper or cookies...but companies still work sex into these ads anyways. As you know I work in an office full of men and most days I wind up listening to them talk about women...objectifying them. Of course boys will be boys, they like me to call them men and I told them when I see a man, I will call him as such. They can go on for days talking about a woman that walks by in the hall, or a woman on TV, other female coworkers, any woman they sniff out they will talk about. Good or bad, it bothers me when a man picks a woman apart and talks about what he would do to her and how she probably likes to have sex. It urks me!

The other day we had a rep come into the office to do a presentation and bring the office lunch. She was a very attractive woman probably in her early 30's, nice professional pencil skirt, cardigan and kept it stylish with the spiked pumps. She seemed modest and nice. When the presentation was over she went to a few offices to show my coworkers how to use the program she was selling. After that she was gone. The next day the boys are in the hall talking about her and giggling like school children. I turn down my radio to listen, which I didn't even have to because they grew louder so everyone could hear. Apparently. when she went into one of my managers office she leaned over to look his computer, claimed she was hot and unbuttoned her cardigan so her cleavage could show. You know, like how the sexy temptress does it in the movies.

When I heard this I almost fell out of my chair. The boys went on and on about how she knew how to "sell" the product, how they are going to use her and to get rid of the other lady we use because she's ugly they'd rather see this woman. They would love to see her boobs every week, it just went on and on. I was annoyed by my male coworkers as I usually am when they objectify women, but I was more annoyed by her objectifying herself. WHY ON EARTH would you do that to yourself?! You came to do your job and to show people you are the best at what you do, but instead of doing that you took your fuckin shirt off and now you're a joke. You may have sold them on the deal but they don't take you seriously, they don't respect you and they don't think you're the best! They think that you make their dick hard so now they want to keep you around.

Women, WOMEN, unless you are a stripper, dancer, model or pop star; keep your clothes on. If you work in a field where you have to represent your company and yourself, don't use sex to close deals or to be remembered. It's hard enough as a woman to be respected and taken seriously as a career woman, even though it's 2013 a lot of men still feel like a woman should be at home barefoot and pregnant. Don't make it harder on yourself to grow and advance your career. Looks and sex takes some to the top but for others it keeps them in the same place forever. At the end of the day you still have to be the best at what you do no matter how good you look. People still need to know that you have a brain and you know what you're doing, not just a set of boobs.

It's bad enough men see us as pieces of meat to be devoured, so don't put yourself on their plate and hand them the knife. Keep your top on and use your smarts to turn a man on, if you are sexy and smart you have it all. Don't be lazy and don't be scared, you are capable of making a lasting impression with your mind so there is no need to pull out the big guns (pun intended). The more women that use sex to get ahead the harder it will get for the women who are working hard to be successful in their careers. Don't sell yourself short and don't give them a reason to doubt you; be the best WOMAN you can be. Remember that sexy just doesn't mean showing cleavage or booty, confidence is sexy, intelligence is sexy, humor is sexy;  try those next time you go into a meeting and save your body for your man.

HAPPY-GO-LUCKY

While everyone is obsessing over Valentines day I am at home doing homework, hanging out with my dog and his friend (dog sitting) and waiting for Scandal to come on. My dog was extremely sick yesterday so I was feeling really down and I needed a pick me up. What's my pick me up you ask? My pick me up is my favorite movie that I don't own for some odd reason; Happy Go Lucky. This movie instantly changes my spirit I don't know how but it does. Poppy, the lead is ridiculously optimistic and happy the entire film, even when things go wrong she bounces back instantly not letting anything get her down. I love that type of enthusiasm and energy. No other movie has this effect on me, all movies move me in some way but this is the only one that makes me feel really good, happy, joyful...all of that. I highly recommend you watch and enjoy yourself. I paused the movie to write a blog about it so you better watch it!


The driving instructor is a trip!

Long, Strong, Healthy Nails....I Hope!

On my old blog I talked about nail growth and the fact that my nails refuse to grow!! When they do grow, it's very minimal and they break as soon as they get past the nail bed. They are hard and feel strong but tiny nubs as you can see. I don't want to pay for, nor ruin my nail beds by putting acrylic on them...did that for many years. I'm tired of buying $10 nail polish to strengthen my nail when it doesn't make a difference *coughs* OPI "Nail Envy" and Orly "Tough Cookie" *coughs*. They will make your nails hard but my nails still break and barely grow. Nothing is working for me, I've tried everything; I take biotin every night, vitamins  drink milk, water, try to eat healthy, file my nails often...nothing works.

Last year I saw online while buzzing around the "natural web", that if you rub coconut oil on your nail beds and cuticles every night your nails will grow long and strong. I didn't even start this experiment because I wanted to keep my nails painted. Apparently if I did more research I would've seen that you can rub the oil on before your base coat. So I'm going to start tonight, but I'm going to try a month without polish then add polish sometime in March if I begin to see growth. I'm showing you the pictures of my nails last year because they are exactly the same length, my nails almost look identical today which is quite hilarious. So in a few weeks I will post a progress photo, if this doesn't work I don't know what will!

Get Up!!

There has been sporadic/lack of posting on here because I'm falling behind in school. I'm behind in school because I've been stressed out over things I shouldn't be stressing about. Last night I had a mini breakdown because of one small thing is tangled into other areas of my life. It's one of those things where someone's choices are effecting you in a negative way, so let's just say I've been bothered. Well during my mini breakdown I was praying to God and I was so frustrated and tired, my mind has been all over the place; and I just can't seem to get it together lately in regards to my schoolwork. I thought well maybe I'll just take a break this semester since I'm so far behind already, I rather just receive a withdraw instead of a bad grade. So I got up, turned my laptop on, ready to withdraw and I saw a bulletin on the school's website that read "last day to withdraw with a 'W' 01/28/13". I thought Oh shoot that's today!!! Oh shoot that ends in 2 minutes!! I was rushing and typing in passwords with the quickness, as soon as I got to the page it turned 12 AM 01/29/2013 and the option was no longer there. I just had to laugh because God is too funny for his own good. Really God?

A voice, my subconcious, God...SOMEONE in my head was saying "you got this, quitting is the easy way out, you can do anything you want, you don't want to take a semester off...focus, get back on track and beast this thing!!" So I'm going to beast it. I'm behind on some things but I can turn them in for a late grade, even if it's a crappy grade that means I just have to get straight A's on the new assignments. I got this!!! I just needed to break down a little to realize that I'm capable of achieving great things. I'm tired of just being good enough and 2nd best, it's time to be number one and it's time to be respected and recognized for my efforts. No more coasting through life.

I woke up today (1/29/2013) at 5:30 AM, the time that I've been trying to achieve for YEARS!!  I woke up and went to Kroger and then I headed over to the gym. I achieved 2 things before the sun even came up, I felt so good and happy. Everything felt right. At work I was praised for coming into work early 2 days in a row,  I was praised for working hard to meet upcoming deadlines, one person said I was a new woman. My lifestyle is changing and people can see that, they like this new me, I love this new me. Now I just need to do my homework, my life can't come together when one piece is falling apart. It all works together, I am one unit. Of course I'm going to have slip ups and hard times, I'm human but all that matters is that I get back up QUICKLY and keep it moving. I'm working on finding a balance, this busy thing is new to me so it's going to take some time adjusting but I will get there.

Fall down seven times, get up eight!