Sometimes You Have To Leave People Behind

It's taken me a while to publish this post; I keep starting and erasing it and starting over again. I want to be able to express myself without offending anyone that I know who may stumble across this blog. While going through the motions I thought about just scraping this post and focusing on the next topic, but I can't. I have to let this out of me and put it in the universe and pray no offense is taken.

It's time to leave some people behind.

I moved to Atlanta about 6 years ago to get away and start a new and exciting life and when I got here I just STOPPED. My life became stagnant and boring, I only went to work and the gym. The friendships that I formed were with people who were minimum 10 years older than me, MINIMUM. If they were my age they were males who were trying to sleep with me but I never let them. I threw them in the friend zone and watched them torture themselves; I had fun though. The older friends were fun and they have given me great wisdom to carry me through the rest of my life. I loved having intelligent conversations with them but I would always secretly wish they were my age.

Then the year came when I formed a few toxic friendships which kept me in a state of depression and loneliness. I don't know if you've ever been depressed before but when you are...nothing gets accomplished. I never wanted to do anything except party and hangout with people I didn't really like. I prayed for God to remove them from my life because I didn't know how to do it myself. I knew how I just didn't want to because I didn't want to be friendless in Atlanta...again. God removed them for me probably a week after I asked him to, that came with drama and stress as well. Even though I wasn't please with his execution and strategy, in the long run I was happy that he helped me out.

Then came another year or so in Atlanta with little to no friends. A few friends were still stressing me out and they were constant drama; so I not so eloquently told them that they were driving me crazy and I needed to be free of them. I hurt their feelings but at the time I felt good, I finally felt free of having to "deal" with other people. By this time I had one little bestie by my side, she is still right here with me. We play together and we grow together. That's what I love.

Some friendships that I happily let go of before have come back into my life. I decided to give people second chances and allow them to be in certain parts of my life. They are my friends but the dynamics of the relationship has changed. Here's the thing about following your gut, if you decide to follow it you need to stick to it. If you leave something in the past don't go back and try to find it, you left it there for a reason and it wasn't important enough to take with you in the first place. So let it go. I'm not saying that my friendships now aren't important but I already see that a majority of them won't be in my near future. They may be in my life but in a small little corner pocket that I only go into for holidays, birthdays and the occasional "let's grab drinks and catch up".

They're moving to the corner left pocket because I'm growing and I don't feel that they're growing with me. A lot of them still carry on with drama and gossip of friends in their immediate circle, which I partake in because it's just to easy. I don't want to hangout with people who I talk behind their backs, it's so immature of me. Most of them are in the same spot (mentally, financially, emotionally) as they were when I met them years ago. I haven't made much progress either which isn't healthy for anyone in this situation. You are who you hangout with and we're bringing each other down. Well they might not feel that way but I do and that's why I must move on with my life.

I'm ready for growth, I'm ready for change, I'm ready to be living the life that I've always wanted. If I mapped out my life for the most part my social circle would not look like this. If I mapped it out I would actually have a social circle again. My circle would be filled with progressive, smart, fun, emotionally sound, kind men and women who are about growth and self discovery. They would be working steadily towards their goals and their dream life. I know in order to attract those type of people I must become that type of person myself and I'm working at that every day. The rest will take care of itself.

-Namaste
(for some reason I always think that when I finish writing, so I decided that will be my signature from here on out)


Have you ever had to let go of friendships for your own personal growth? How did you do it and how has you life changed since? Express yourself! 

The Pursuit of Happiness

Hello!!! I haven't forgot about my blog. I have been so extremely busy, not busy, bored, anxious, annoyed, happy, sad, fearful, and fearless over the past few months. A lot is going on in my personal life and even more is going on in my brain. The deadline is approaching for me to be moving out, a few months ago I was counting down the days; now I'm wanting time to slow down just a tad because my mind is chaotic right now and I need to breath.

One of my promises to myself this year that I would be fearless, live the life I had always imagined, take chances and not care what people think of me. Essentially, I want to be happy about my life. Not complaisant, not content, not satisfied. No. I want to wake up everyday knowing that I'm living in my purpose and I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I have yet to LIVE. I've been out of the nest for 7 years and still haven't spread my wings; I'm that bird that's hopping on the ground in parking lots dodging cars. I'm in constant battle with myself, God and the universe on "what I want my life to be", I never get shit done because I can never start anything without changing my mind about it first.

HOME

In my Carrie Bradshaw post I told you that I wanted to be like Carrie Bradshaw from SATC when I got older. Live in the city and have a fabulous life. Well, that's what I've decided to do. I'm tired of waiting and waiting and waiting for the right time to make a move. I've lived in Atl for 6 years, had 3 different apartments and none of them have been in the city or close to it. I'm about 15 mins away now but that's not the city living I'm talking about. I'm talking real you live downtown so you walk more than you drive type of city living. Obviously downtown living is quite pricey, well I discovered so is living everywhere else in Atlanta so I might as well take the risk. Of course my square footage will be compromised considerably but that's okay, I have too much shit that I need to get rid of anyways.

SCHOOL 

School is playing with my emotions right now. College is my least favorite thing in life, I've never liked school it's not my thing. I come from the school of hard knocks and I let the streets be teacher. Just kidding, sorta. I do in fact learn more outside of school then I do within it. Am I dropping out, no. After this semester I'm taking a semester or two off. I was sooooo scared to tell my mom because I thought she would be disappointed, and I was scared to tell my friends because I thought they would think 'AGAIN???'. Then I woke up one day and thought "This is my damn life! Why am I so concerned with what they want me to do? I'm the one who's unhappy!" I told my mom and she understood. Everyone tells me to just do it and get it over with, which is easier said than done. Since I can pursue my future career without a degree, I'm fine with the go at your own pace method. I want to live and enjoy myself, even if that means graduating at the age of 35.

FRIENDSHIP/LOVE

My first year in Atlanta I had a roommate, the apt and friendship was over after 3 months. I was alone with one friend in Atlanta and asshole men I dated to pass the time. The next few years in Atlanta was filled with asshole friends and asshole men. The past year my time was spent weeding out the good from the bad, and deciding who I wanted to have in my life. My past mistakes in friendships and dating were just lessons for me to grow. Many people have come and gone over the past few years and I thank them for what they taught me. My biggest lesson was that if it doesn't agree with your spirit then let it go. There was a time when I could be fake and pretend I liked certain people for the sake of being in a group of friends. Now, psssstttt please! I spend time ONLY with people who agree with my spirit and make me happy. I refuse to hangout with someone I don't like or care for anymore. Why? Why did I ever do that before? It's so freeing when you don't have to pretend. Men that aren't for me, I can recognize immediately now and I don't even entertain them anymore. Free is the brain who's not stressing over love lost. Love, real love will come and it will come with abundance because there will be nothing blocking the flow. I would really like to build new friendships with like minded people and increase my social circle. 

CAREER/WORK

School is out the picture for a little bit so my regular 9-5 life will resume right? Wrong. Though I wont be in school there are some entrepreneurial endeavors that have been placed in my mind by God and I just can't shake them. I was going to explore this calling while in school but I want to give my full attention to this idea and make it happen. A few of my friends dreams transpired before my eyes over the past year. A friend I work with told me an idea she had, worked at it like a dog and now she's trying to figure out how to handle all the success that came from her small idea. She dedicated herself to it and now she's "made it". Full dedication and hard work is what it going to take and I'm okay with that. I have to honor my calling. I have a few projects and this blog that I want to give my full attention...only good will come of it. 

No matter what you do people will find something negative to say about you. That's why I no longer care what someone's opinion of my lifestyle is. If I want to take 20 years to finish a 4 year college then I'm going to, if I want to move to a hole in the wall in the city...then I will. My life will be lived the way I want from here on out, I can't worry about what others think of it. I'm doing this for me. I'm in the pursuit of happiness. 

A Woman's Journey (my perspective)

I believe the most important part of a woman's life is the moment when she begins to fall in love with herself. No matter how many people told you that you were attractive or even if you were the most popular girl in school just off looks alone; when you're a young girl you're terribly insecure. You're deathly afraid of you're own image. The pressure to be beautiful kicks in because you're growing up knowing that one day you will have to compete for a husband. In order to make it through life as a halfway decent woman you'll need to someone to love you and to want to take care of you. That right there will turn to a innocent child into a terrified confused teenager. Then by the time we are all wanting to die because we can't figure out how to look like the next girl, we go through a phase. Some will chase men and sleep around, some will shy away from boys completely, some will involve themselves with the wrong men, while others find comfort in a long term boyfriends and will be terrified to be alone. We will all place ourselves somewhere we don't really want to be, and we think the next girl has it good when in reality all of us are messed up.

After the terrible teen years pass we become little women between the ages 20-25 and the pressure is on to find a mate to make our happy home with. You know, the one with the white picket fence. Our deepest prayers are that the next guy is the last guy, that we could end the game of "he's not the one". We've all heard the rumor that our stock begins to plummet at 25 and no one wants to have kids with a woman over 30....so this is it. We must find him in the next few years or we will fail the life's work of a woman. Every man we meet becomes a target, we look him in the eyes and our minds wonder what our life would be like together before we even find out his name. Some of us find him and will be scratched from single woman existence and disappear into a different world. Then there are some of us who would do anything for a husband and will pick the first bidder. Trying to turn every man we meet into the one and subscribe to Bride magazine while we're still single.There are some girls who replace love with partying and/or careers, occupying the time until Mr. Right arrives; praying that we can find fulfillment without a ring. These years are the worst for all the girls because we want the life on the other side, we think the grass greener no matter whose yard we're standing in. We try new looks, personalities and friends; we can't seem to hold onto anything. These years are dark and scary, nothing makes sense.

Soon after that you began to look back and study yourself from the outside, reminiscing of the girl you used to be. You stop being mad at her for doing certain things because you realize she was just a kid. In those moments she only got to see one side of every problem she faced; which didn't give her a fair advantage of how to win each battle. You see now that she reacted that way because that's all she knew how to do in that moment. You feel sorry for all the bad things she went through so you nurture her wounds and begin to love her. You forgive her for not appreciating her beauty back then, she didn't realize she was one of a kind. She will love her body as a woman because you love her so much you decided to take care of it for her. You let her heal and you let her grow. You tell her to stop being afraid because you've already gotten so far and it's just going to get better. The mistakes she made back then are no longer mistakes, they are lessons. You no longer look for love in the wrong places and you no longer have to run from it either, because you found the love within yourself. You realize that you are enough. This is the best part of becoming a woman, the moment you realize when it's happening.

Naturally Thin

I've had this blog topic in my queue for quite some time now and today more than any seems like the perfect time to post on this subject. I've been working on lifestyle changes in every aspect of my life. I decided I need to eat healthy & clean (especially since diabetes runs in my family), exercise more, take care of my skin, hair, mind, everything! I've even been putting in the effort to dress better at work. My staple outfit for work used to be leggings/ jeggings with and over-sized sweater and riding boots. It was simple and easy so I rocked that look almost everyday. Lately I've been dressing to impress so now my coworkers have begun to take notice...of my body. Last week I received a few questions as to WHY I'm losing so much weight. I answer truthfully "I'm just changing my eating habits". Then I received a comment from a male coworker who said to me "You losing all that weight, you know men in Atl like the women thick". You know because you have to live your life the way the majority of men want you to, otherwise you're going to be left out in the cold. 

This morning I was getting dressed for work, pulled on my bootleg jeans, a white slouchy tee, a black biker zip up shirt (left open) and my pointy toe black boots. I was was going for a rocker style and I thought I looked great today, I was feeling myself. When I got to work I was confronted by most everyone in my office about how skinny I've become. Apparently I lost 50 pounds in 2 weeks because people just noticed I lost weight and they seem to have a big problem with it. I had ignorant rude questions of "concern" like "are you eating?", "is everything okay?".  All the way to the rude comments such as "You have a white girl ass now/ maybe you should get booty shots/she lost all her lady parts/don't fall apart!" I was annoyed and pissed that these overweight and unhealthy MEN had so much to say about my looks. 

The big kicker for me was when 2 of the managers were in their office talking when I walked by and I was called in to talk about my recent weight loss. I have never in my life been so attacked because of the way I looked, they just wouldn't let up. When I stepped in the office the one manager said to me, "turn around and show him (the other manager) how much weight you've lost in your butt." I replied "Are you fucking kidding me? No!" The other manager asks me whats going on with my weight and I begin to tell him about how I'm starting to eat healthy and how I cut out certain foods, I was just going on and on praying that this would kill the questions. When I left his office I walked the long hall back to my desk thinking that everyone now was looking at me wondering what was wrong with me and why this black girl was choosing to be thin. As soon as my flat ass hit my chair I thought to myself "Why the fuck are you explaining yourself to these people?" 

I refuse to explain myself and my weight to another person EVER AGAIN. I've been doing this shit since I was a child and I'm over it. The next time someone says something to me I'm going to kindly reply "I don't want to talk about it" aka "mind your got damn business". If you know me, you know I would never starve myself or harm my body so if I'm healthy and happy and SKINNY then you need to press on. I've never been fat or overweight in my life. My size fluctuates between thin and skinny, that's the range my body has. I'm sure if I let myself go completely I could become overweight, we all can. I wouldn't let myself go to that extent because I'm happy with my size. 

I weighed 115 pounds all through high school and used to get teased about my weight all the time. I once begged my doctor to give me something to help me gain weight...her reply to me was "Girls KILL themselves to be your size, you need to be grateful". Well when you put it like that. Even when I was a little girl I remember my Nana would make me drink Ensure with every meal to fatten me up, I was 6 years old. Since the age of 6 I have been explaining to people why I'm so small. In black culture thin women are not deemed attractive, so if you're a black thin woman...that's a problem. You need to eat a sandwich, cornbread, ham-hocks, meatloaf, fried chicken, everything in site so you don't.look.like.that. When I was a teen I would go to my friends house or their grandparents house and I would get the same reaction from everyone "Oh baby, you need to eat something, get some meat on those bones." I'm full. 

This has follwed me around my whole life, I thought as an adult it would be over. I recently went from thin and unhealthy to thin and healthy...society would like me as the former. Though had somewhat of booty, it was sloppy and came along with a nice fluffy tummy that was hidden behind clothes. The tummy was accompanied by some A cup boobies that became one with side fat underneath my arms, which would blend with the back fat that I would have to tuck under my bra so the back of my shirts wouldn't look so lumpy. 

 Before and after pictures from unhealthy to healthy.

 Before (with a very padded bra): April 2012 / After: January 2013

People would say I have body dysmorphia and none of that is true or that there is nothing wrong with that, but when they are doing the same thing as me everyday (trying to hide back fat and muffin tops) it's different because I'm smaller. It's not. Fat is fat, whether you're skinny or big. Of course, OF COURSE I would love to wake up tomorrow with a body like Kim K but that's not who God made me to be. I WILL NOT apologize for that anymore, I can't spend my days explaining to people why I look the way I do. I've spent my life doing so already. 

I'm naturally thin along with millions of other black women, get over it. I have a slight head cold today and when I got home from work I didn't feel like eating dinner, I just wanted to lay down but then the voices came to my head about how skinny I was and I thought "Oh no I must eat something so I don't lose anymore weight". Do you see how the negative words of others can effect someone else's life? It's called bullying, yeah I throw jabs back best believe, but I never throw them first because I know what they can do. I looked at myself in the mirror long and hard today and I decided that I LOVE my body. I'm not going to start eating like a pig or become unhealthy again just to please others who do nothing for me. 

You have one life to live and you live it the way you want, you weigh the amount you want, you have as little or as much muscle as you want, dress how you want, wear your hair how you want. Don't let anyone tell you what you should look like. Telling someone they need to gain weight is the same as telling someone they need to lose weight. Either way you're telling them how YOU think they should look. It's not up to anyone else to decide what you should look like. 

Be yourself at all times! That's an order! 

The 4 Year Plan

The other night I laid down to go to sleep and thought about the fact that I'm 26 and just now getting started on making my dreams come true. I have wasted many years doing nothing and a year of that was probably wasting time on the internet. I've been thinking about where I see myself at the age of 30, in 4 blissful years I will be 30. I have a framed picture in my room of me and my friends celebrating my 22nd birthday, I look at it and think about what I have accomplished since then. 4 blissful years went by and my life is exactly the same as it was back then. 4 years wasted, seriously nothing exciting has happened at all so don't think I'm being too hard on myself. I'm just being real. I didn't change careers, I didn't get married, I didn't save thousands of dollars, go on any vacations. Nothing happened because I didn't make anything happen. This is the perfect time to write out my goals for the next four years, I need to look at them every morning, noon and night so I can be sure to stay on track.

By the time I'm 30 I will have accomplished the following: 

1. Received my bachelors degree in communications from Georgia State University.
2. Purchased a home/condo/townhouse.
3. Have my passion project (secret for now) fully started and be working that as my career. (What I need to focus on the most) **MAIN GOAL*
4. Taken 2 vacations minimum out of the country. (between now and 30).
5. Have 10k dollars cash in savings.
6. Have my car paid off.
7. Have hair down to my butt.

Sometimes you can take a wrong turn which will lead you off your path, if you don't look at the map for directions you will end up completely lost. 

Good Music Mondays

FANTASIA- I'M DOIN' ME

In honor of yesterday's post, here's a song about loving yourself and NOT settling for less than you deserve.

"Nothing more beautiful than knowing your worth"

Beasts Of the Southern Wild

I watched this movie last night and I must say never has any movie fucked with my emotions as much as this one did. I literally cried THE ENTIRE FILM!! I'm not exaggerating at all, at one point I had to pause the movie to cry because I was missing what was coming up next. I was a hot mess, I still am just thinking about it. Beasts of the Southern Wild was so beautifully written and directed, the acting was superb on everyone's part I kept forgetting that it was fiction. I was so furious at certain points and sad at others I couldn't stop crying. This is hands down one of my favorite movies of all time. The previews threw me off, definitely not what I thought it was going to be about...they did that on purpose. I highly recommend you watch it immediately!

I hope Quvenzhané Wallis wins the Oscar tonight for best actress, she definitely deserves it. Dwight Henry who played her dad in the film should have been nominated for something as well, he was amazing. 

I'm No Stupid...Anymore

There comes a time in every girls life and I mean EVERY girls life where she dates someone who is completely wrong for her. Wrong in the sense that he's an asshole and she will continue to date him praying that one day the relationship will be what she wants. She dates him because he did or said something in the beginning that gave her promise of a bright future with him. She ignored all the red flags and fell in love aka hysterical blindness. Sometimes it's not love at all and when she looks back after it's over and the wounds are healed, she laughs, she laughs hard. She puts her hands over her face, throws her head back and cracks up with laughter because she wonders "WHY DID I EVEN LIKE HIM? HE WAS SO LAME!"

There is not a woman who skated through life and dodged this guy. We've all been there and if you haven't been there yet you probably will even with all the advice you read or friends telling you how to avoid the douche bag. The thing is, he isn't even a douche bag. He is a man who treated you how you let him. Of course it would be nice if men didn't treat us like shit because we let them. If they said hey, I'm just going to lead her on and torture her emotions for months/ years, that's not nice let me stop this now; oh what a beautiful world that would be. That's not the case though, we find someone who we really like and they promise us the world and we take their word for it. WORDS MEAN NOTHING when your actions don't line up.

A guy I used to date who I still talk to from time to time was arguing with me about our past relationship. I thought he was amazing and I thought we were going to be something and I thought one day he would change and I thought it was all going to be better. I thought, I thought, I thought WRONG. It took me a while to fully get over him and the possibility of an us, and when I finally did get over it everything came to light. I realized I didn't really like him, I liked the idea of him. I told him that he was one of the worst men I have ever dated because: he was lazy, an asshole, combative, insensitive, childish, rude. We were arguing because he wanted to step back into my life and "things will be different this time". No, no, no! I'm not stupid anymore. I can't even be mad at him, I allowed him to be all those negative things and I put up with it instead of stepping out immediately. I'm don't want to wait and see if things will be better, while he was playing games I was learning the most important lesson  every woman needs to learn, my worth.

We all want to be treated like a queen and with respect from whoever we're dating, but when we learn that we deserve the best and nothing less, we'll never settle again. I deserve somebody who gives a shit, we all do. You know if you're being treated the way you deserve in a relationship, you don't need a list or a book to tell you. You already know. If you need to read a book to see if your man is treating you right, then he's not. If you're unhappy, your needs aren't getting met, he's not adding value to your life, then it's not right. Plain and simple. With every douche I dated I knew it wasn't right, I just didn't realize my worth yet so I settled. Have I dated an asshole since the one mentioned in this post? (over a year ago) NOPE! When you realize you're worth and you truly believe that you deserve the best, I promise you won't settle. You'll love yourself too much to do so.

Value yourself and know your worth! 

Hello Stranger! PGC 2013

Ello Stranga! Is what I really said in my head. I like to throw on a British accent from time to time. 

I am shy and awkward in certain social situations. If alcohol isn't involved it takes me a long time to warm up to people and feel comfortable talking to them. I'm not that girl who introduces herself to everyone in the room with a bright smile on her face. I will definitely smile but I just might not speak to you. When I was younger I was ridiculously shy...ridiculously. As an adult I want to be more social,  introduce myself to strangers and make more connections. 

That's something I've been working on lately. No more Mrs. Shy Girl. Another Personal Growth Challenge for me. 

One thing that really brightens my day is when a complete stranger says hello to me. It's so simple yet profound. I can be in a bad mood or even the best mood, but when a stranger passing me by in the isle of the grocery store or in a parking lot shouts "Hello!!! How are you?" I think, I'm great now that you spoke to me!! It warms my heart that someone feels brave enough to speak to someone they don't know and will probably never see again. I've tried the hello a few times and have been ignored...which used to make me feel awkward. Now I just laugh it off; why wouldn't you a LEAST speak back? Asshole. The rejection is going to come but there might be someone like me and a simple hello makes their heart smile. 

A reason I feel so awkward at times is because I hate when people listen to my conversations. Whether I'm on the phone, talking to someone in public, even when customers are in the lobby. My conversation is short when I think someone who's not in the conversation is listening to what I'm saying. I have to break out of my comfort zone and engage fully in conversations no matter what. This will be great skill to develop so I will feel more comfortable while networking and starting out in my career. A way I've decided to practice is talking to cashiers and customer service workers, "How's your day going?" "Ready for the weekend?" "How was your holiday?". Something, anything to break out of my comfort zone. 

A perfect example of a missed connection and possible date 

(well I'm sure he had a girlfriend or date but still): 

I was grocery shopping and I was walking down the isle and BAM! A TALL cute man standing in front of me! I smiled and kept it moving, checking him out in my peripheral every few seconds trying to feel him out. I lost him because of an isle change and found myself looking at pancake mix  a few minutes later when he strolled into my isle and stopped right behind me looking at brownie mix on the other side. I turned a few times to see what he had in his basket, a man doesn't just shop for brownie mix on a Friday evening. His basket had "date" foods in them, I could tell. He was struggling to make a decision before he called someone (his lady friend I presume) for help. Either way I wanted to say something witty to him like "Trouble with the massive brownie selection? I can help, I'm a connoisseur of boxed brownies" He would've smiled and fell in love with me, smashed his phone so he didn't have to hear from Ms. Too Lazy To Get The Brownies Herself anymore, then we would've went out on a date, and married May 2015. Perfect. Missed connection. 

Does your shyness or awkwardness keep you from speaking to strangers OR are you naturally outgoing and bubbly? 

My Target Haul: 'Clearance Rack' is my middle name.

I went to Target for toner and of course I came out with other things I don't need. I think they pump something into the air vents that makes people stay in there just a little bit long than they have to. Honestly, have you ever went into Target for one thing and left as soon as you got it? I don't know anyone who has done that so if you have, kudos to you. 

This is the toner I went in for $4

 Then I wandered around a little more and found this Shea Moisture facial kit. It includes a deep cleansing face scrub, black soap, face mask and a cream moisturizer  All for $12 (original price was $18)...STEAL!!!! 

 If you don't own a Olay ProX cleansing system you need to invest. It's way cheaper than the $200 Clarisonic cleanser and it's the SAME THING for only $20. I was way overdue on replacing the brush, like a year overdue. I'm sure you should replace them every few months or maybe even once a month. But I wash the brush after I use it for my face soooo that's why I never got around to that. *trying to convince yall that I'm not nasty* The replacement head is only $9 for a pack of 2. Seriously if you are just washing your face with your hands or a wash cloth you're NOT getting all the dirt off I promise you! Especially if you wear make up...YOU NEED THIS!! 

 I am a nail polish junkie, I will post my collection one day soon. You know you're a junkie when you get rid of close to 40 bottles and still have over 50 bottles left, then go out and buy more. The OPI polishes are on sale for $6 (originally $9) because the bottles are scratched! Thank you, keep scratching those bottle up. When I go back to wearing nail polish (see why I'm not: here) this will be the first color I wear. 

 Last but not least JEWELRY ! Well costume Jewels! I'm trying to revamp my wardrobe and style on a budget so I always check clearance racks for clothes and jewelry (which I rarely wear) but I'm starting back again. I used to wear jewelry a lot when I was younger so I'm trying to get back to it. 

Black and gold chandelier earrings $3.98, the set of 2 were $1.48, the icicle "diamonds" $3.98 and they are sick!! Love them on and now I need to find a place to wear them. 

All in all I would say I had a successful trip to my favorite store, I bought some things I needed and some cheap things I wanted. I'm saving my money and building wealth so the little things like this get me by. 

Blurbs

I rarely check my mail and when I do I never open it. School has never been my thing, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!! I'm just in college right now because I know this is something I need to do, my goal this semester was to get straight A's...not happening. Well, I finally opened my mail that I've been collecting on my nightstand for 3 weeks and there was 2 letters from my school asking me to accept my membership into the honors society! Whaaatttt, I've attended 2 colleges before and never been asked to be in anybody's society because I never had the grades. My first year at this current college I did really well, so they wanted me to join. Deadline was February 4th. Of course it was. Now I'm not doing my best so they aren't going to ask me again anytime soon. I couldn't believe it, I was so happy and proud of myself, I achieved something I never thought I could...even though I missed the deadline.

Other than that, I have so many plans for this blog and I know the aesthetics keep changing but the content is still the same. I'm not sure of what I want my blog to actually look like yet, so I keep playing around with it. There are many elements, topics and features I want to add to the blog. Such BIG plans I have tucked away in my idea journal that I need to incorporate onto this lovely little blog of mine. I also wanted to share more personal post and pictures, I need to save up for a real digital camera so I can do that. I hate using my phone. This blog and I are a work in progress, please be patient with me.

Life is GREAT! I have begun to experience a level of happiness that I've never been able to reach before in my life. This is the deep rooted happiness that surrounds your life even when nothing is happening. That's what I'm going through right now. I am falling in love with life.

Tax time! Please oh please do NOT be ignorant with your tax return. If you have goals to save your money or start a business, use your return to invest in your future...not your wardrobe. This year I'm finally getting a decent return and it's going straight into my savings. I would love some new clothes and gadgets but I can't tell you how many times large sums of money have come into my possession and I blew it all. I can't even tell you what I spent it all on, but it's gone. If you take care of your money and are smart with it, you will get more of it. Respect your refund check!

I'm really saving my refund because I'm moving in a few months. I feel like I'm always moving or I'm never settled anywhere. That might just be part of growing up and being on your own, finding a place that feels like home. When I moved last July, I moved in with a roommate...horrible idea. I don't dislike my roommate, I just dislike having a roommate. I love, love, love living on my own. I love only having people in the house if I want them there and if I invited them over. I love being alone in my thoughts and in my projects. My roommate is away for the weekend and I remember how much I enjoy solitude. I get a lot more accomplished on my own and my focus is intensified. When I get married I'm sure I will love having my husband as a roommate but for now, just me and my dog will suffice.

GET BACK ON TRACK!!!! It's a month and a half into 2013 and we all have goals of how this year is going to be our year. We started on those goals and got off track with some of them, it's okay just hop back on the track. Start from where you are, take the time to figure out what you need to do, adjust the straps and get going! I fell off on the saving money, so today I paid bills and reset my budget on mint.com. Remember to stay on top of your finances you need to be checking your accounts at least once a week. I like to check mine every other day. I also fell off with my school work, I'm just not in the mood this semester. I have no choice but to get on track with that so I adjusted my schedule so I can spend 3 hours a day on my homework.

Whatever it is you need to do to be where you want to be, just get to it! Distractions are going to pop up and throw you off track, you just have to fix the problem before it grows. Enjoy life and face your fears, save money and watch your possibilities grow. Be the best you, you can be!

Ladies, You Have a Brain So Use It!

We all know that sex sells, it doesn't really but we still like to pretend. We don't need a sexy woman to sell us plumbing solutions, toilet paper or cookies...but companies still work sex into these ads anyways. As you know I work in an office full of men and most days I wind up listening to them talk about women...objectifying them. Of course boys will be boys, they like me to call them men and I told them when I see a man, I will call him as such. They can go on for days talking about a woman that walks by in the hall, or a woman on TV, other female coworkers, any woman they sniff out they will talk about. Good or bad, it bothers me when a man picks a woman apart and talks about what he would do to her and how she probably likes to have sex. It urks me!

The other day we had a rep come into the office to do a presentation and bring the office lunch. She was a very attractive woman probably in her early 30's, nice professional pencil skirt, cardigan and kept it stylish with the spiked pumps. She seemed modest and nice. When the presentation was over she went to a few offices to show my coworkers how to use the program she was selling. After that she was gone. The next day the boys are in the hall talking about her and giggling like school children. I turn down my radio to listen, which I didn't even have to because they grew louder so everyone could hear. Apparently. when she went into one of my managers office she leaned over to look his computer, claimed she was hot and unbuttoned her cardigan so her cleavage could show. You know, like how the sexy temptress does it in the movies.

When I heard this I almost fell out of my chair. The boys went on and on about how she knew how to "sell" the product, how they are going to use her and to get rid of the other lady we use because she's ugly they'd rather see this woman. They would love to see her boobs every week, it just went on and on. I was annoyed by my male coworkers as I usually am when they objectify women, but I was more annoyed by her objectifying herself. WHY ON EARTH would you do that to yourself?! You came to do your job and to show people you are the best at what you do, but instead of doing that you took your fuckin shirt off and now you're a joke. You may have sold them on the deal but they don't take you seriously, they don't respect you and they don't think you're the best! They think that you make their dick hard so now they want to keep you around.

Women, WOMEN, unless you are a stripper, dancer, model or pop star; keep your clothes on. If you work in a field where you have to represent your company and yourself, don't use sex to close deals or to be remembered. It's hard enough as a woman to be respected and taken seriously as a career woman, even though it's 2013 a lot of men still feel like a woman should be at home barefoot and pregnant. Don't make it harder on yourself to grow and advance your career. Looks and sex takes some to the top but for others it keeps them in the same place forever. At the end of the day you still have to be the best at what you do no matter how good you look. People still need to know that you have a brain and you know what you're doing, not just a set of boobs.

It's bad enough men see us as pieces of meat to be devoured, so don't put yourself on their plate and hand them the knife. Keep your top on and use your smarts to turn a man on, if you are sexy and smart you have it all. Don't be lazy and don't be scared, you are capable of making a lasting impression with your mind so there is no need to pull out the big guns (pun intended). The more women that use sex to get ahead the harder it will get for the women who are working hard to be successful in their careers. Don't sell yourself short and don't give them a reason to doubt you; be the best WOMAN you can be. Remember that sexy just doesn't mean showing cleavage or booty, confidence is sexy, intelligence is sexy, humor is sexy;  try those next time you go into a meeting and save your body for your man.

HAPPY-GO-LUCKY

While everyone is obsessing over Valentines day I am at home doing homework, hanging out with my dog and his friend (dog sitting) and waiting for Scandal to come on. My dog was extremely sick yesterday so I was feeling really down and I needed a pick me up. What's my pick me up you ask? My pick me up is my favorite movie that I don't own for some odd reason; Happy Go Lucky. This movie instantly changes my spirit I don't know how but it does. Poppy, the lead is ridiculously optimistic and happy the entire film, even when things go wrong she bounces back instantly not letting anything get her down. I love that type of enthusiasm and energy. No other movie has this effect on me, all movies move me in some way but this is the only one that makes me feel really good, happy, joyful...all of that. I highly recommend you watch and enjoy yourself. I paused the movie to write a blog about it so you better watch it!


The driving instructor is a trip!

Long, Strong, Healthy Nails....I Hope!

On my old blog I talked about nail growth and the fact that my nails refuse to grow!! When they do grow, it's very minimal and they break as soon as they get past the nail bed. They are hard and feel strong but tiny nubs as you can see. I don't want to pay for, nor ruin my nail beds by putting acrylic on them...did that for many years. I'm tired of buying $10 nail polish to strengthen my nail when it doesn't make a difference *coughs* OPI "Nail Envy" and Orly "Tough Cookie" *coughs*. They will make your nails hard but my nails still break and barely grow. Nothing is working for me, I've tried everything; I take biotin every night, vitamins  drink milk, water, try to eat healthy, file my nails often...nothing works.

Last year I saw online while buzzing around the "natural web", that if you rub coconut oil on your nail beds and cuticles every night your nails will grow long and strong. I didn't even start this experiment because I wanted to keep my nails painted. Apparently if I did more research I would've seen that you can rub the oil on before your base coat. So I'm going to start tonight, but I'm going to try a month without polish then add polish sometime in March if I begin to see growth. I'm showing you the pictures of my nails last year because they are exactly the same length, my nails almost look identical today which is quite hilarious. So in a few weeks I will post a progress photo, if this doesn't work I don't know what will!

Get Up!!

There has been sporadic/lack of posting on here because I'm falling behind in school. I'm behind in school because I've been stressed out over things I shouldn't be stressing about. Last night I had a mini breakdown because of one small thing is tangled into other areas of my life. It's one of those things where someone's choices are effecting you in a negative way, so let's just say I've been bothered. Well during my mini breakdown I was praying to God and I was so frustrated and tired, my mind has been all over the place; and I just can't seem to get it together lately in regards to my schoolwork. I thought well maybe I'll just take a break this semester since I'm so far behind already, I rather just receive a withdraw instead of a bad grade. So I got up, turned my laptop on, ready to withdraw and I saw a bulletin on the school's website that read "last day to withdraw with a 'W' 01/28/13". I thought Oh shoot that's today!!! Oh shoot that ends in 2 minutes!! I was rushing and typing in passwords with the quickness, as soon as I got to the page it turned 12 AM 01/29/2013 and the option was no longer there. I just had to laugh because God is too funny for his own good. Really God?

A voice, my subconcious, God...SOMEONE in my head was saying "you got this, quitting is the easy way out, you can do anything you want, you don't want to take a semester off...focus, get back on track and beast this thing!!" So I'm going to beast it. I'm behind on some things but I can turn them in for a late grade, even if it's a crappy grade that means I just have to get straight A's on the new assignments. I got this!!! I just needed to break down a little to realize that I'm capable of achieving great things. I'm tired of just being good enough and 2nd best, it's time to be number one and it's time to be respected and recognized for my efforts. No more coasting through life.

I woke up today (1/29/2013) at 5:30 AM, the time that I've been trying to achieve for YEARS!!  I woke up and went to Kroger and then I headed over to the gym. I achieved 2 things before the sun even came up, I felt so good and happy. Everything felt right. At work I was praised for coming into work early 2 days in a row,  I was praised for working hard to meet upcoming deadlines, one person said I was a new woman. My lifestyle is changing and people can see that, they like this new me, I love this new me. Now I just need to do my homework, my life can't come together when one piece is falling apart. It all works together, I am one unit. Of course I'm going to have slip ups and hard times, I'm human but all that matters is that I get back up QUICKLY and keep it moving. I'm working on finding a balance, this busy thing is new to me so it's going to take some time adjusting but I will get there.

Fall down seven times, get up eight! 

Stallion Booty VS. Donkey Booty

If you watch the foolishness that is The Real Housewives of Atlanta then you know about the battle of the booty's. If you don't watch I commend you and here's a quick breakdown of what's going on. Mrs. Phaedra Parks and her husband Apollo decided to make a fitness video focusing on getting your booty round, tight and high...like a donkey. They asked their friend Ms. Kenya Moore to produce the film, Kenya began working on the basic set up of production so she could give Phaedra and Apollo and estimate of cost. Phaedra did not like the price and was not willing to pay Kenya on the back end of video sales if they decided to go through with the deal. Shady and tacky as hell but that's not what I'm here to talk about today. Kenya was upset with Phaedra as she should have been, but instead of moving on and taking it as a business deal gone sour, Kenya decided to STEAL PHAEDRA'S IDEA and come out with her own fitness dvd!! WHAT!?!?!

This is a classic case of grown woman not knowing who she is.

A lot of women and I mean grown women over the age of 25 are still trying to figure out who they are. When you are still trying to figure out who you are life can get messy because you make choices based off your own insecurities. Kenya Moore is a beautiful woman, acne and all she is gorgeous but after watching her on the show her looks faded with each episode. Her insecurities make her extremely unattractive and immature. Stealing a friends idea, dream and passion is an childish move. I admit there were times in my life where I wanted to make certain career moves just because my friend was doing it. It's not that I shared that same dream but I didn't know who I was yet to know certain things weren't for me. Seeing my friends succeed made me want what they had...envy. Even today, my co-workers girlfriend announced that she was training to be a NPC Bikini Athlete (a fitness bikini model & competitor) and I grew jealous for about 5 minutes. When I get jealous over other peoples accomplishments I have to stop myself and think "Is that something I want to do?" If you answer honestly, the answer is usually no because you already know what you want to do with your life! If the answer is honestly yes that's what you want to do, then you need to ask them how they got there and work at it.

But if your answer is no you need to be happy for others successes, then go back to creating your own success story. I have no desire to be a bikini competitor, never have, never will. So why was I jealous? Because I have specific fitness goals that I want to obtain and someone else is reaching their own goals before me. My jealousy was all about me, I need to work harder to be where I desire to be. Competing on stage is not my thing. I've always wanted to dabble in fitness modeling and promotional work so my focus and energy should be in that lane, not in hers. Am I hating like Kenya is on Phaedra? Absolutely not, unlike Kenya I support her and hope she wins first place. This is because I've learned who I am and I've figured out what I want out of life. I'm thankful to God that I've learned this early in life and not in my 40's. Kenya had no desire to have her own fitness video until Phaedra did her wrong, she is doing it out of pure jealousy, competition and greed...which is why she is more likely to fail. When she focuses on her own talents and passions her success will grow. Then she wont be known as a biter aka copycat!

If you don't know who you are yet, take the time to figure it out. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself and your life. You might have to step away from outside influences and friends a little bit so you can take some time to be with just you. Even if you know who you are and are secure with yourself you will still have moments of jealousy, everyone does. But you need to be mature enough to know when to take a step back to figure out why you're jealous. Assess the situation, figure out your problem, fix it and move on.

Know who you are, don't be a Stallion pretending to be a Donkey. 

What's Important To You?

We all have this long list of things that we claim are important to us but we don't spend any time on them. Our health, family and careers, they are oh so important! We stuff our face with processed junk, spend more time on Facebook than on our careers, and when we are with our families we ignore them by texting or playing with our phones/tablets the whole time. When something is important to you, I mean really important, you will MAKE time to nurture it. When you nurture something and give it love, it will grow. Just like a child, a plant, animal and even your dreams. What you focus you energy on grows, whatever you spend time on gets better. Many things hold importance to me but I don't give them my time and energy. I do what I have to do every day and the energy I have left I divide it amongst the important things without focus or passion. I finally stepped back in the gym today after months of being absent and I began to think about what's important to me and why I'm not working on those things. LACK.OF.PASSION

Until recently I've floated through life just getting by on Top Ramen, penny pinching, missed connections with friends and family, shity men, almost in great shape, etc. You get the point. Those so called important things where given little energy and no passion. After I left the gym I headed over to Kroger and resisted the urge to buy all the junk food in site; then I floated over to the health food section and remembered a time when that was all I ate. My health was important to me, so much so that I didn't eat any processed foods or anything that contained more than 9 ingredients! I wanted to have a clean body and my health was important to me! When I walked out to the parking lot I looked at my car that I have to trade in because the leak in my new car doesn't seem to be repairable, and I thought man...why didn't I just buy a cheap car for 5k so it could be paid off in a year? I used to have no car payments.Why did I have to go with the car that gives me high payments for the next 7yrs? I want to save money, not spend it, having money is important to me!

I realized very quickly tonight that I need to redirect my focus AGAIN. I have to focus on what's MOST important to me and direct my energy to those things. My life would grow in abundance if I did that and so will yours.

THINGS MOST IMPORTANT TO ME: 

1. MY HEALTH- I cannot do anything for myself or anyone else if I'm not healthy. I want to be, look and feel healthy everyday. Eat more natural nutritious meals/less processed junk. 
2. MY FAMILY- Spend more time calling my family, immediate and distant. Find time to visit them more than once a year. Develop a deeper connection with them. 
3. MY FRIENDS- Spend more time with them developing stronger bonds, not just hanging out to get drunk and party. Quality hangouts, dinner, bowling, museums and plays. Make time to call my long distance friends more often. 
4. MY CAREER- Get this degree...get this degree! I remember my bff cried at her graduation and she said it's because it took her so much to get to that day. I feel like I will do the same, this degree seems to be so far away but I have to keep striving. Focus on my blog, the job I have and my passion project (that's a secret for now). Not being an admin now at 30 is very important to me, I have to focus on getting a career job. 
5. MY FITNESS- This is separate from my health. My fitness goals were always to be in the best shape for me, which is everything tight and toned. Lean visible muscles. When I don't work out I lose weight and I'm "skinny fat", which makes me self conscious in certain clothes, flat booty Judy over here.  I want to feel good in everything I put on. I also want to push past my fitness limits with running & weightlifting, etc. 
6. MY MONEY- Like I said, money is important to me so I need to focus on the money I have and the money I want to make. I need my money to be growing & my bank account to be increasing. This means making sacrifices and lifestyle changes. 
7. MY HOBBIES & ACTIVITIES- I have many activities I'd like to dabble in but I don't MAKE time for them. Sewing classes, I have a machine that's collecting dust. Yoga. Writing workshops. Any type of art class, dance class, anything out my ordinary mundane life.Volleyball, I want so badly to play on a volleyball or adult sports league. 
8. MY LOOKS- Yes, my looks. When you look good you feel good. I need to spend more time making sure I look my best everyday. Clothes, hair, nails, skin, body, teeth, all that! 
9. LOVE- Love in all areas is very important to me. Love to and from God, friends, family and my future husband, even strangers. We are lacking so much love in this world that it can't hurt to open my heart more to the universe. It's important to me that I love and be loved in return. 

What are some things that are important to you and are you making time to nurture them?  

God Is That You?!?

Patience is a virtue they say, be patient, just wait and the answer will come to you, wait on GOD. Hello God are you there? I used to jump as soon as I felt the urge to move, I never waited on God to give me answers for anything. If I was unhappy with a boyfriend I dumped him...that day, if I didn't like school I dropped out...within hours, if I didn't like my location I moved..asap. As I've gotten older I have learned to wait, wait, wait on the Lord. Sometimes I don't know where he is though. Of course you have those moments where He shows up right away and gives you the answers you don't want to hear and there are other times where either; He doesn't seem to be showing up or you can't tell if it's Him or the devil talking.

Those are the times that confuse me the most. How can the answer be so clear one day then the next day you don't know who the heck you're listening to? That's something I'm trying to figure out right now. I have a lot of questions and problems that I need to solve but I don't know what to do. Advice from a friend is always nice but you always need a higher power to assess the situation first before making any major decisions.

Writing is definitely my therapy because sometimes I ask questions in these post and as I'm writing the answers come to me. I would say it was God that spoke to me just now and said that 'If you're confused about who is talking to you then you need to wait a little longer until you're sure of the voice'. There should be no confusion when talking and hearing from God, if you are confused then it's either not God or it's not time to act. When it comes to matters of the heart patience really is key; in almost every aspect of life you have to wait and make sure you're ready before you leap. Your heart needs to be still and your mind needs to be clear.

God's Plan For Me Used to Suck

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a singer, then I wanted to be an actress, then I wanted to be a model (still do, what women doesn't want pictures taken of herself all the time?). I took cosmetology in high school, photography in college the 1st time, I took psychology in college the 2nd time, I'm a certified personal trainer and now I'm in college for a 3rd time studying broadcast journalism. What the f--k is going on? That is the question everyone asks me when they hear about all the things I have dabbled in and I'm probably forgetting some. Just call my mom if you want to know more she loves to bring it up and I'm sure she has a list somewhere.

"Not all those who wander are lost." I was not lost and trying to find myself you assholes who just thought that. I was simply exploring my options, how could I know what I wanted to be if I didn't test out every single thing I thought I wanted? That was my logic, my logic that cost me and my family thousands of dollars. If my child decided to do the same thing as me I wouldn't stop them. Some people are born and from the moment they can think, they just know. They know what the want to do for the rest of their lives. It's their passion and they stick to that passion. Me, I didn't know. I just found out last year. Everything I think I wanted to do I tried it and I don't regret it.

Every career I had in mind just didn't feel right once I started and I would try to trick my brain into liking it because that's what I wanted to do. In the back of my mind I heard a little voice telling me what to do and I constantly ignored it. It was God whispering and getting on my nerves all the time trying to guide my life. How dare he try to control my life! Hey God, your plan sucks! That plan is hard, it's going to take more time than I have, I'm going to have to work harder than all the other women competing for the same job because I'm a black woman, did you forget that God? Just leave me alone and let me be a personal trainer, thank yooouuuu! 

I became a trainer and I hated it, I tried and tried and tried to like it. When everyone asked me why I stopped training I said because there was no money in it. No that's not true, I just hated that damn job. I loved seeing the results and progression of my clients, that was about it. It was something I was good at that I hated to do. There are no regrets though because I learned so much from going to that school, I now know all the bones & muscles in my body, all about calories, how to properly work out and achieve maximum results and I'm not the girl who's afraid to hit the weight room with the men. I realized I loved to work out! That's all, I didn't want to train I just wanted to workout I guess.

Again that annoying voice popped up like a gnat in my ear. I wish he would just go away and let me think for a little bit. He never went away, I just kept ignoring him because he wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear. Then one day I was said okay God just lay it on me, the whole plan. He only gave me a piece. When I started working on that piece then he gave me another, then when I put that in motion he gave me another. God is slowly building the edges to my puzzle now, once the edges are connected the middle pieces will be easier and my puzzle will be completed and then I'll be able to see the whole picture.

Gods plan for me used to suck because it wasn't his plan at all. It was my plan. My plan for my life sucked, what did I know? People on the outside can figure out whats going on before the people on the inside do. God is on the outside and you don't know shit. Is it wrong to write God and shit in the same sentence even though I thought it and even though I cursed early in this post? Hhmmm, I'll let you guys judge me instead of him. Anyways, If you are working at your dream job and something is missing, that something is probably your heart and even though it probably is your dream job, it's just not the job you're supposed to have. If you follow the dream God puts in your heart you will flourish, you just have to listen and accept it. Even if you think it sucks.

Live In Your Truth

A good friend of mine is what some would call a New Age Hippie, she believes in free love, meditates, says things like "my psychic told me", quotes spiritual philosophies all day long and I love every bit of her. One thing she said before that always pops in my mind is "live in your truth". You can take that saying many ways but the way I take it is; live everyday living in YOUR truth, not what other people tell you or that you hear. It's so easy to get wrapped up in other peoples lives that we began to perceive the world the way they do. This can be good or bad depending on whose life you're wrapped up in. If you are wrapped up in reality shows and the people in your life are trying to replicate scripted reality, then you may have a problem.

When I was younger I wanted to hangout in the popular crowd it seem so cool and interesting, doesn't it always though? When I finally made it inside I began to live how they were living, walking and talking and being popular just.like.them. When I tell you I was bored with my life and I missed my "unpopular" friends, I can't even begin to explain. Even though I was bored, I was in it now and I didn't want to let go, I made it! Slowly I started to change, I liked music that I couldn't stand before, I looked down on those who weren't as fly as me and "pretty" as me, my hobbies faded away, I became a robot. I was absolutely miserable.

Sometimes I would look around at my new friends and wonder if they were miserable just like me. Were they pretending to like what everyone else "loved" too? After a while I realized that the inner circle wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, not a soul was real...unless they were behind closed doors. When the lights were shining and the "group" was together everyone wore a mask that came with a fake smile and shallow conversation. When the lights were dim and it was just me and him/her, a real person with real fears and emotions and individual thoughts appeared before me. How long can one soul fake it's existence before it withers and dies away?

The moment I stepped away from the crowd was the moment my grey turned to yellow. I was alive again. Every time I see pictures of supposed popular people or someones "in crowd" I wonder if they feel as I once did. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun but I think the fun will only last if everyone is living in their own truth. If everyone's minds melt together into a shallow wading pool, then the fun won't last forever. What I love to see is an eclectic group of individuals who don't let their differences divide them. That to me is more intriguing than seeing a group of young men and women who all look exactly alike but afraid to speak their minds because their peers will judge them for going against the grain. I've been there done that and it's a scary place to be.

Now I'm working on living in my own truth, which can be difficult at times especially being the "oreo" that I am. I try not to conform to the pressures of the world; the pressure to be thick, the pressure to have big boobs, the pressure to enjoy trashy reality TV, the pressure to gossip, the pressure to listen to ignorant music that degrades women, the pressure to accept the word nigga because it's spelled with an A not ER. When you speak against what everyone else accepts, prepare to be criticized. Standing in your truth is much harder than standing in a crowd. When you stand alone you have to stand for something even when the rest of the world knocks you down. If everything you do is authentic and genuinely you, the rest will take care of itself. YOUR truth will set you free.

Making Time

How do you find hours in the day? And if you are exhausted, how do you power through? 

Here's what I would like to get completed everyday:

• Workout
• My admin duties at work (8-9 hrs)
• Eat breakfast, lunch & dinner
• Homework
• Math Tutoring
• Blogging
• Yoga
• 30mins to get ready for work/ 30mins to prep for bed ( I have a lengthy bed preparation routine) 
• Dog walking & playing 
• 30 mins of reading at least
• Eventually down the line volunteer work on the weekends. 
• Eventually down the line sometime soon, work on a 2nd income. 

Okay while writing this I answered my own questions, I need to wake up earlier. Like really early. My work hours can be anytime between 8am & 7pm, the time I come in doesn't matter as long as I work a full 8 hour day. The old me would try to stay up all night and finish these things but it's only 10pm and I'm already exhausted. So now... the mission to get up before Jesus.

Good Music Mondays

Emily King- Radio



 I was pleasantly pleased Saturday when I arrived at the Emeli Sandé concert, when I walked in one of my other favorite artist Emily King was vibing on stage. I felt like God slapped me in the face with a double blessing. I was elated and on cloud 9. If you haven't heard of her please look her up. Of course I like to keep gems like this my little secret but I thought I should pass the blessing along. Enjoy!

"If I had one religion it would surely be a love song in the distance, a soft melody" 

Just Say No!

I am 26 years old and I am not where I want to be in life. There are many I shoulda, coulda, woulda's looming in the back of my brain but it's too late for all of that and wanting to change the past is a waste of time. I am 26 years old and I'm working on being who I have always wanted to become. Carrie Bradshaw. Just kidding but you know what I mean. When you don't follow the traditional path of go straight to college and get a good paying job, you can very well end up like me. 26, working a dead end job (full time), while in college, paying grown up bills on a college kid salary. It's not easy and it can be very stressful, this path wasn't the best path for me to take but I took it and I have to accept that. Even if you did take the traditional path you can still end up like me with this economy. Everyday I think about how to get myself out of this situation, it could be worse but I want much better and that's my goal. I will no longer allow myself to live this check to check, have fun when I can afford it type of life. I need to be free from sitting at my desk counting the hours and giving away my paychecks every 1st and the 15th. 

 Some of my friends have grew tired of me, they want to hangout all the time and my answer is usually no. It's not even because I can't afford to or don't want to but it's because I'm either doing homework, writing or working out. They see it as I'm being lame. Which is understandable coming from someone who is where they want to be in life or someone who is comfortable in their current situation (which may not even be good). I have fun when I have the time. Even writing it seems lame but I'm not satisfied. The only way to change my level of satisfaction is to do something about it. Author & finacial guru Dave Ramsey says "Live like no one else, so one day you can live like no one else." I live by those words. 

When I'm posed with a question of "do you wanna hang out?" I have to ask myself, did I do everything possible today to get me to where I want to be tomorrow? If the answer is no, then I don't go. Simple as that. Hanging out is fun, but being in the same situation year after year is unacceptable to me. It's hard saying no to friends but I know in the long run it will be worth it. Most women are worried about finding a husband at this age, I'm focused on my career. This is a different time from when our grandmothers and mothers were 26, women now have to work; well most of us do. These aren't the days where we women live with our parents until the right suitor comes along and sweeps us off our feet and into their kitchen to sweep their floors. We have to work to pay for our own floors to sweep until the right man comes along...and we'll still be sweeping their floors; AFTER we get home from work.

Times have changed and as a women your life has to be in order in all areas. Every little compartment of your life needs to be tweeked and taken care of daily. If you are lacking in the funds department you need to be trying to figure out how to increase your income, if you have no friends you need to get out more and at least get 1 friend, if you don't like the way you look I suggest you figure out why and change it (with out surgery). My friendships aren't lacking and my looks aren't lacking...my issue is my funds and my career. So until that is in order, I just have to say no more often than not. 

What are some sacrifices you've made in order to gain success? Or do you think that you shouldn't have to sacrifice anything? 

One Tough Cookie

                                              

There comes a time when you have to realize your flaws, when you recognize them as yours you have decide...do I want to accept this as is? Or do I want to change? Let's not even call them flaws, lets call them hmmm, things that hold us back from getting what we want. Shortcomings! That's the word I was looking for. The other day while talking to one of my good guy friends I had an epiphany. I was reading him passages out of my book "The Path to Love", and it was saying how women and men need the opposite of who they are in order to feel like a whole person. (Some good stuff, I highly recommend you read it.) My friend says to me:" yeah, and you're just hard but you really aren't that way, a guy wants his woman to be gentle and sweet. Which you are but you don't show that side of you."

I was slightly offended and got up in went to the bathroom, while I was in there I was thinking about other things the book said and about what my girlfriend said about me not having a soft side. They were right, I am closed off and hard. No man in my recent years has been able to crack my shell, no matter how much I liked them I couldn't let down my guard. Ah ha! I ran out the bathroom exicited then quickly refrained. I thought about not sharing my epiphany with my friend and slowed my stride, that wall was going back up fast! I sat down and said "well duh, I'm hard because it's a defense mechanism, I'm not in the mood to get hurt." He was quiet, I never talk to him about my feelings...our friendship is very much on the surface. "Well you need to open up more" he replied. "Well so do you, you never talk about your feelings." Did I mention my friend is someone I used to date? This was the first conversation we had about our feelings, and it came a year after we stopped dating.

I expressed to him that I'm in not looking for love, I'm a happy single woman; which many find hard to believe but I am. I'm not that girl who is out there feeling the pressure of her age to find a mate to marry and settle down with. I'm not rushing anything. If I meet someone I like I'm not going to turn him away, would I like to meet someone to share my life with? Yes, but it's not a make or break for me.

My issue is when I run across a guy I really really like, I shut down, but I can be very open with the guys I don't like. I will tell them about issues in my childhood, fears and desires. It's easy to open up to them because there's no pressure involved, I know they will be my friend and they won't break my heart. In the book Deepak explains how one must accept every form of love given to them because it's a blessing from God and what you accept you will have more of, That is true also for the negatives as well, if you accept abuse you open your life to more of it. I gasped while reading because I thought back to all the times I was dating someone I truly had feelings for and I remembered the times I shut down the love they were giving me. Even accepting hugs and kisses at times. Even accepting forms of love from friends sometimes is tough for me, I tense up like I saw a ghost.

It was like my love life was flashing before my eyes. There were many times where I was soft and gentle but at pivotal moments I can tend to clam up if I get uncomfortable. I don't want to be that way anymore so I am more aware of myself and my actions/reactions. I've been told by many people that I am strong, strong, strong, that's all I hear. Of course there are certain moments in life where you have to be strong and keep your guard up; but his year is about letting it down...just a little, haha, and accepting all the love God is placing in my life.

It's okay for this cookie to crumble, I can't always be so tough.

PGC 2013: Challenge #2: Yoga

Somewhere between boredom and insanity I fell in love with yoga. Not actually practicing yoga but looking at pictures of people doing yoga. I've taken a yoga class or two before and thought it was the best thing ever, oh my gosh I have to do it again and again and again! Yeah, that enthusiasm wore off real quick, I haven't stepped into a yoga class in years. I was on my fitness Tumblr a few weeks ago and I saw a post on "Yoga for the Splits", I never thought about training my body to do the splits; I thought either you were born that way or not. I was not but I envied those naughty girls who were. So I began the simple stretches every night and I noticed progress. I stopped doing it for some reason that I can't remember, oh yeah that's right I quit everything duh! This year I'm not going to be a quitter damn-it! Not only do I want to be able to do the splits by the end of the year, I want to master one more yoga pose. I look at pictures of yogis everyday and I'm in awe at what they have trained their bodies to do. I often forget that they TRAINED to get that way. It takes strength and (eventual) flexibility along with proper training and stretching to be good at yoga. That mess is hard! Men can laugh and joke about it all they want, but yoga takes super baby Jesus strength to master.

So besides the splits:

I want to try and master one of the following poses:

I'm not sure which one I want to pick but they are all advanced and definitely a challenge, so wish me luck!