Do You Search For Meaning In Your Dreams?

I am huge believer in dream interpretations; I believe that what you dream about at night is a reflection of your life and your emotional state of mind. I remember most of my dreams for at least few hours to a day, but it's very rare that I ever feel the need to look for the interpretation of said dream. When I wake up, it's usually very clear to me why I had that dream, normally it's a direct mirror of whats going on in my life. I'm not usually being chased down the street by a giant meatball strumming a banjo. Just doesn't happen for me.

Well last night my dream meant something and I knew it as soon as I woke up. Stairs and Snakes. As soon as I opened my eyes I thought to myself, "that wasn't for nothing". So I looked it up. In my dream from what I remember, the only important details I held onto were: I was walking up the stairs of a patio leading to a front door (I don't know whose house) and there was a lady in the window telling me to come in and I trusted her. So I began walking up the blue stairs and when I looked down there were snakes everywhere all around my feet but I wasn't afraid; a little grossed out but not afraid. I shooed some of the snakes away from slithering on my feet. I kept trying to get to the front door but the snakes were bothering me so much that I stopped trying and left.

Breakdown of the major symbolism in my dream:

STAIRS:

"To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey. The dream is also analogous to material and thoughts that are coming to the surface."
"Stairs represent transition, change and personal growth.  When we use them, we make direct contact with our feet.  This makes them symbolic of change on a very specific, personal level.  Climbing up stairs should be interpreted as ascending to higher levels of consciousness.""Going up stairs often represents improvement, achievement, or reaching higher levels of awareness and understanding. You are making progress emotionally, spiritually, or materially. If you have problems going up stairs it may symbolize trouble being unable to make progress in your life. Going up stairs may also symbolize a struggle or challenge you must endure to reach a higher level of understanding, success, or power."

SNAKES:

"When the presence of the snake in your dream is neutral or friendly, it suggests that you are dealing with fears or concerns with assurance. It is an indicator that healing is taking place.....When interpreting a snake dream, a key point is to keep in mind that the serpent in your sleep means you’re symbolically receiving a wake up call from your unconscious. Dreaming about a snake is usually an indicator that you need to pay attention to something important that you perhaps have been avoiding or that has escaped your awareness until now.""When a snake appears in your dreams, it most likely acts as an animal spirit guide inviting you to look at important facts or dynamics that are impacting your life....The snake can symbolize spiritual guidance. The presence of the snake in your life often means that you are in a period of transition and it points to ways promote your personal growth.""According to Condron, snakes in a dream indicate that the dreamer's attention during the previous day was involved in some creative pursuit. "This was the focus of the potential learning in the dreamer's waking life," she says."

THE COLOR BLUE:

"Blue tends to mean truth, heaven, tranquility, peace, intuition...Blue may also be associated with the fifth, throat chakra.  This chakra is associated with communication, self-expression, thinking and planning." 

WINDOW:

"To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast  possibilities and insight."


Okay, now that we have the symbols interpreted, let me tell you why I'm now even more of a believer of dream interpretation! If you read the 3rd interpretation of Snakes you see that it says, "snakes in a dream indicate that the dreamer's attention during the previous day was involved in some creative pursuit". And it was. And still is. Since I've been laid off from my job I've just been thinking about where I'm going with my life in terms of career and family. It's just time for me to really buckle down and commit to my life.

I keep going back and forth about school because I'm not committed to any major that I choose. And that's because I'm not passionate about my choices. So I've been taking the time to ask God to just guide me and tell me what to do, and then while having a Netflix movie marathon by myself, BOOM it came to me. Out of thin air, BAM there you go Laneé! This is what you're supposed to be doing. And of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't question God back with "well how do I know if it's really what I'm supposed to be doing or if it's just me coming up with ideas to figure something out, how do I know it's you. Give me a sign!" And last night I had this dream and I woke up and I knew, it all seemed so simple and easy. I stopped questioning it. Only this one thing made since.

Notice, all the symbolization in the dream is connected to one major theme: Spiritual growth, healing, fear, transition, Spiritual guidance, truth, heaven, possibility, progress.

I feel like this dream was God giving me the sign that I asked Him for. I knew that it had a deeper meaning then just random creepiness of snakes on steps. In a previous post I wrote "don't ask God to guide your footsteps if you aren't willing to move your feet." Well according to interpretation the snake symbolizes spiritual guidance, and God is my spiritual guide, so for Him to be around my feet as I'm trying to walk in the dream speak volumes! *Enter Praise Dance Break* The window means hopes and possibilities, the woman in the window was inviting me in! Yes Lawd!

Each day I'm definitely reaching a higher understanding of myself and God. I'm becoming more secure in who I am and less afraid of the world. Well, I was never too much afraid of the world, just the people in it. I know what this dream means, and now I just have to follow through and trust that it's the right decision. The more I question God, the more unsure I'll become. It's time to step out on faith and literally believe in my dreams.

-Namaste

Excuse Me While I Grow My Eyebrows Back

Most of us girls have been there, the plucking, shaving, waxing and threading. We do all this torture to our eyebrows and most of the time we fill them back in with pencil because they are full of gaps, do to over-plucking. If we do this long enough we will eventually damage our hair follicles and hair will stop growing. This is what happened to me. I used to have amazing eyebrows, thick and dark; I started out just tweezing stray hairs here and there to shape them up. Then I got tweezer happy and following eyebrow trends instead of the "what God gave me trend", I would pluck them really thin, rounded, pointed, the works. A few years ago I grew them all the way back out to their original thickness and boy were they thick!! After a while I plucked at them again because no one else had ridiculously thick brows, so it must be for a reason. I must look horrible. 

 Well it wasn't until recently that I decided to grown them back out and I noticed that certain strands aren't coming back!! I have gappy overplucked brows! So I took to the internet in search of how to repair the damage and to see if I could ever have full beautiful brows again. And the answer was yes, maybe...possibly. Most people said it took almost a year for the dead follicles to be revived. My problem is I'm going to want to a least shape up the brows with a razor...at least! But I need to see significant results before I touch anything so I know where my natural arches are, not the ones I've been creating for all these years. Lord, give me strength. 

Okay chickies, according to my investigation your cute self will only need 3 things to make this happen if you're wanting to grow back those gappy brows: 

1. An Eyebrow Brush. 2. Castor Oil. 3. Patience. 

Step 1: Take a before picture of your brows so that you can keep track of the progress. My brows may seem thick to you, but they are naturally way thicker than this (I will try to find a picture). The inner corners (by my nose) have stopped growing completely. You can see traces of hair under the arches with a gap in between. They are shaved down and plucked up, I've taken a lot of hair away. 

 Step 2: Brush your clean eyebrows with your eyebrow brush to stimulate the follicles. 

Step 3: Smooth Castor Oil over your brows with your finger or Q-Tip. Any type of Castor Oil should do, it all works the same...to promote hair growth. I'm guessing anything you would use to make the hair on your head grow will work for your eyebrows too. :-) 

Step 4: Go to sleep...on your back. If you have a man and you already put a scarf on at night, he's not going to be pleased with this new routine either. It looks much worse in person, not cute at all. :-) 

Try to keep this routine up every night until you see significant growth or see the results you desire. Let's hope this works! I will post an update in about a month. Please pray for my strength to walk around everyday with unkempt brows. 

I Haven't Had A Breakdown...Yet.

It's approaching a month since I was laid off from my dreaded job, and I still don't have any new job prospects. I'm also 1 month away from moving out of my apartment into a new more expensive apartment alone, with no job and no income coming in to pay the rent. Life sort of just smacked me in the face really hard but I never felt the sting. Moving wasn't my decision, it was sprung on me about a month before my job went kaput. My roommate and her fiance have to move to Florida due to a job promotion. That was all well and fine, it was time for us to separate anyways since I started to crave my own space again. So here I am getting exactly what I wanted in the worst way and I'm not afraid, worried or stressed.

Oh, and did I mention my roommate is getting married in a month and I'm supposed to be planning the bachelorette party which I have yet to start planning? Not that I'm not excited for her but it's the last thing on my mind right now. Living with a stressed out bride when you have your own shit going on is no fun.

I never get stressed about being homeless or lack of money because I know money will always arrive, someway somehow. Normally, what I would stress out and cry about is having a setback. Another setback, 2 steps forward and 1 step back seems to be my life. For some reason this time, I don't see it as a setback but a step forward. Everything that's happening is exactly what I need. God is separating me from the people and environments that I need to get away from. All the things that were holding me back are disappearing from my life.

I hated my job, not only was the pay trash but the work environment was much like high school; middle school in fact. A lot of gossip and drama, I was afraid to be myself in fear of being attacked and talked about. I was never relaxed and constantly on edge. I begged and prayed to get out of there, and God took me out.

My living situation is good for as good as having a roommate can be. No major complaints, but I am better by myself I've come to learn over the past year and a half. When I live by myself I am productive, healthy and active. I have a serious lazy bone within me so having a roommate brings out the worst in me. I have someone around to be lazy and just hangout with. I don't feel the need to go out and socialize much because I have entertainment at home. My eating habits switched to hers and so did my drinking; not that there's anything wrong with it, but when you're by yourself you're more conscious of what you're doing and eating. Plus, drinking alone is no fun so it rarely happens. I'm just a better me all around when I live alone, my only distraction is myself.

So here I am in the middle of a big scary change and I'm okay with it. It's all about listening to God/the universe/whatever you want to call him, and really being quiet so you can hear what he's telling you. If I spent time complaining and being upset over all of this happening I wouldn't understand what was going on. It would be "why, why, why" instead of "thank you, thank you, thank you", my perception would be skewed. I am fully aware of why this is happening, because it needed to happen. Yeah the timing wasn't right for me, but God feels otherwise and said it had to happen NOW. I haven't had a breakdown...yet, and I don't plan on having one either. I plan on getting a new job soon, the right job and having a smooth transition into my new place and a smooth transition into the next phase of my life. I'm super excited!

P.S. Once I am all settled and in order a lot of upgrades and better content will be featured on this blog. I want to be a part time professional blogger. I've been doing this for too long to be half-assing it like this.

Cheers to major life changes!

-Namaste

CHECK YOUR REFLECTION

I had to take a break for a while to figure things out. This year has been a learning process, I feel like everyday I'm learning lesson. That simple quote above "The Lesson Repeats as Needed" has been my theme quote this year. I have been praying, asking, believing and waiting to receive all year but all I have been getting back is history. History repeats itself simply because we keep making the same mistakes. So when I ask for love, God brings me all of the men I've have trouble with in the past. The men I couldn't say no to and the men I always run back to. But hey God, hey! I uh asked for a new love, a real love, and I don't think they are it. Matter of fact I know they are not, so please remove them from my life, I understand now that they're not the ones I NEED. Gone. I finally passed that test! Now where's my love? Oh that's right I have to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people since I now have no more old flames to fall back on. I can no longer be comfortable while dating because dating is out of my comfort zone. Okay, I'm ready for the challenge.

I asked God for a new job, repeatedly all day everyday. I would apply for jobs then stop. Train for a better position so that I can be prepared, then stop. I've been working in the same industry, making the same pay, have had the same manager ( at 3 different companies/same boss), working the same position for as long as I've lived in Atlanta...6 years. I complain every time but the fear of starting somewhere new keeps me complacent. A few weeks ago I was ready, I bought a book on how to prepare for an interview, purchased a professional blazer and begged for a new job. A day later I was let go from my job a few days before my 3 year anniversary with the company. Now ain't that funny?

I asked for real love and God let go of all of the past relationships that hurt me. He helped me grow and move on. Then I met someone and went on an amazing date with this man who I initially wasn't feeling and thought he wasn't my type, but I was wrong. He was smart, funny and a gentlemen and the bullet point list of a guy that I wanted. I was myself, but nervous and unsure of myself when I spoke and I felt like I brought nothing to the table. The whole time I thought "fuuuckkk I really like this guy, I don't want to like him". He ended the night with a kiss and I haven't heard from him since. I could spend days, months, years trying to figure out why he doesn't like me but those will all be illusions and nothing real. I will never know and that's okay.

I asked for a new job and God took me out of a bad one. If he didn't do it I would probably still be there a year from now. I finally get a chance to move on and get a job that I deserve. I went on an interview the other day for a job I didn't want. On the way there I was confident and sure of myself, I had the job in the bag. 30 minutes into my car ride, I realized I didn't want the job because there was no traffic and I was still driving 30 mins to get to work. If you live in Atlanta you know that over 30 minutes with no traffic translates to an hour and a half with traffic. Can't do it. When I arrived, I immediately wanted to leave but knew that I needed to go on the interview so I could at least have some practice and you never know, I might end up wanting the position. I bombed the interview, when I tell you I couldn't formulate a complete sentence to save my life..Oh Em Gee! A hot mess. I wasn't offered the job. Even though I didn't want the job, I needed to do better.

MORAL OF THE STORY: DON'T ASK GOD TO ORDER YOUR STEPS IF YOU'RE NOT WILLING TO MOVE YOUR FEET.

See I wanted a good man, then tensed up when God handed him to me. I was prepared for the worst so I didn't bring my best. I'm not saying that's the reason he never called, I'm saying that's the reason I need to be prepared for the right guy. I have all these expectations for my future man, but I wouldn't even date me right now. I need to be prepared for deeper conversations if that's what I want in a relationship. Basically, I need to be able to mirror back all that I expect from a potential mate.

I wanted a new job but wasn't ready for the interview. I bought the book on interviewing and cracked it open a day before my interview! How could I possibly be ready to go on an interview after 6 years if I wasn't prepared for it? I stopped training for better jobs, I'm just relying on my average skills to set me above the rest of the candidates. If I have average skills and fumble over interview questions, how on earth will I stand out above my competitors?

We must be prepared. God has taken away a few roadblocks so that I can move on to a new street. So now it's time for me to do the work. He gave me what I wanted before I was ready, because well I asked him to. And you always get what you ask for whether you're ready for it or not. So prepare yourself for what you're asking, you want to be ready to receive your blessings otherwise you might miss out on them. What you're thinking and doing needs to be inline with what you're asking for. You have to move your feet, you must be ready.

-Namaste

The Time Is Now

After my spring semester of college I decided to take a year off, which is crazy to me and other people because I've already dropped out of college twice and it's taking me years to get just my associates degree for the 3rd time around. I needed MORE time to figure it out. Seriously I feel like I'm going in circles every time I step into a school. Once I start my program of study I think "is this really what I want to do with my life? Is this really what I want to major in?". I can't seem to figure it out, it all seems like a waste to me. But then again, when I'm not in school I feel a sense of freedom yet a sense of urgency to figure out what I'm going to do with my life if school isn't going to be involved.

So that's why I took this semester off to decide once and for all if I'm going to finish my degree or not. If I decide to go back it has to be my own decision and I can't let anyone's opinions influence me. If I decide to drop out, I need to have a clear plan of how I'm going to make a living and reach my goals without a degree. Spring semester starts in January so I have to buckle down on my soul searching and praying. Whichever I choose, I NEED to be passionate about my plan. I cannot go into any major life decision half-assed. This is it. 

The time is now for me to decide, I've wandered around long enough without a plan or direction. It's about time I get one. Before I would place so much pressure on my age, I had to have this by the age of 26 and this by the age of 27, now it's less on age and more on a feeling. I FEEL like I'm ready to commit to something, even though at this present moment I'm not sure what that commitment entails. I just know that I'm ready to take control of my life, help myself to a better way of living. Instead of just talking about it I want to live my life on purpose. 

January is right around the corner and I'm not going to pressure myself to hurry my decision up but I'm going to pray and listen, then the answer will come to me. I have to give up some control in order to gain control. 

-Namaste

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Have you ever had a conversation in your head with someone, then when the time to have the real conversation comes up it didn't go how you planned it out in your head. It usually doesn't go as planned because you expected the other person to say what you wanted to hear. Your expectations become shattered and you end up being disappointed. Not only in conversation but in almost every area of our lives we EXPECT things to be a certain way. Some expect great and some people expect disaster.

I believe in the law of attraction and that energy attracts like energy. If I'm thinking negative more than likely, if not every time...negative happens. When I think positive, if not every time...positive happens. I've learned to have great expectations. There is nothing wrong with expecting a great life and great love to surround you. What I struggle with in this new positive mindset is that I expect things to go exactly as planned then I end up greatly disappointed when my plans are altered in reality. I will literally plan whole conversations in my head with people and expect the conversation to go that way in reality. I will be talking to them and think "okay now they are going to react this way and say this, this and this", I will wait for it and say to myself "hmmm that wasn't supposed to happen". I'm disappointed now. When I was seeking a man and it seemed like they were nowhere to be found, I would go out NOT expecting to meet a man...and guess what, I never did. Now when I go out I expect to meet a man...and guess what I never meet the ones I want. I'm placing expectations on things that are to come naturally.

Conversations are supposed to be natural. If I go out on the town I can hope to meet someone, but I should never expect it. When I'm having a conversation with someone I need to get out of their brains and listen to what's coming out of their mouths. It's not every time I talk to someone that I'm planning their side of the conversation, it's usually when I'm coming to them with something I've been wanting to talk to them about. I expect them to respond in a way that's going to make me 100% satisfied at the end of the conversation.

I've been praying about this lately because I've noticed that it's something I keep doing. I expect everything to go a certain way so that I will be blissfully happy at the end of each day. I've turned the law of attraction into trying to orchestrate every part of my life and other peoples lives as well. The law of attraction is Ask, Believe, Receive. What I'm doing is replacing belief with expectations, therefore I'm not receiving what I want because I'm trying to do it all myself. BELIEF. If I believe in what I'm asking for and really believe it, everything that is supposed to happen with happen naturally in due time. The only things I have control over are my thoughts, which control my actions. Everything else is God. So the fact that I'm trying to place mind control on the rest of the world is a waste of time. I finally understand what people mean when they say "shatter your expectations".

-Namaste

The First Time I Felt It (My Thoughts On Zimmerman Verdict)

I waited for 2 days to hear the verdict and on the 2nd day I received a text from my mother that read "George Zimmerman not guilty". My heart sank into my stomach and I cried. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't freaking believe it. It had to be a mistake, I thought someone jumped the gun as usual and posted false information. There was just no way in hell that this scumbag got off for killing an innocent child?!?!?! No way! I kept refreshing the CNN.COM news page on my phone hoping it would read differently but it didn't. It was clear as day...ZIMMERMAN NOT GUILTY. I texted everyone in my phone who I thought would care as much as I did. My sadness turned into rage. Never in my lifetime (I'm 26) have I experienced such injustice. This was the first time I really saw how unjust this country is. As a black woman I can admit we have it easier than our black men, we know about the cruelty and racism but we don't experience it as much as them.

When it's flashing across my screen in 2013, I experience all of it. My heart ached for Trayvon and for every black man walking this earth. Today someone told me that I should have experienced this feeling in regards to Troy Davis, but I can only feel what's real to me and I can't apologize for that. I was ignorant about the Davis case until days before his execution just like many others. I wasn't fronting pretending to know what I was talking about when I didn't have a clue what was going on. What happened to Troy Davis was unfair and unjust, but my heart wasn't invested in it. My heart has been invested in the Martin case for over a year now and for it to come to this makes me weak. Every time I think about it or try to talk about it I become extremely passionate, my voice gets loud and my arms begin to flail around. THIS moved me to my core. I've read books and seen movies on the civil rights movement and I recognized how badly our people were treated. So many leaders fought and died so that we can have rights and so that we may be protected. 

Fast forward to present day. We have a society of Internet activist that like to hashtag and blackout photos showing their support for the victims. When the media circus dies down, they're activism dies down as well. Hastagging and photos do NOTHING. I'm sorry to upset the masses but it's true. Taking 2 seconds out of your day to repost a photo of Trayvon in between posting photos of Love and Hip Hop memes, is doing what? Please let me know. I don't knock anyone who would like to show support in anyway, but if you honestly think you're making a real difference in the case or the other injustices of black people, then I'm sorry my friend you're sadly mistaken. I feel like the modern day black community has taken a "good enough" approach to life and to their civil rights. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's work was not complete when he left this earth. When he left is when everyone realized that you have to literally DIE for what you believe in. No one is as passionate as Martin and Malcolm and other leaders because they are afraid of the backlash. We ridicule Al and Jesse, saying they take everything too seriously, they need to lighten up. They don't have the support of our community. Clearly, CLEARLY we still have a long way to go. The fight did not end when Martin's life did. 

It seems like black people are okay with the status quo. You shouldn't ask for a raise, because at least you have a job, don't complain about the misogyny of hip-hop because at lease we're still in the industry, don't get so upset over black on black crime, it's all they know in the hood. Why have we taken such a laid back attitude towards our own life and culture. Everything is just good enough for us, we don't want to upset the massa because he's going to hurt us if we speak out. Trayvon did not die in vain, if he woke me up I know he woke up many other Americans; black and white. 

It's really time to wake up and realize that there is still a lot of progress to be made and it starts within ourselves. We have to figure out what it is that we can do as individuals to make a positive change within our community. Understanding ourselves will give us clearer vision on what steps we can take to improve this society. No longer can we sit back and post hashtags claiming to have done all we could. This is not what Dr. King had in mind, the fight is not over. Let's start with loving each other and stop this crab in the bucket & you can never get on my level mentality, that only hurts us. If we don't care about each other, why should they care? 

Don't let Trayvon's death be another trend, let it be a lesson. 

-Namasté 

The Time Is Now

Timing is NOT everything. I don't know who came up with that and why I believed it for so long. Yes, I understand the concept that everything happens in it's own time. But waiting for the perfect time is a belief that many of us hold onto, and as a result it hinders our growth. "Good things come to those who wait", remember that one? NO, good things come to everybody...it's just life. But good things that we want and desire come to those who go after their dreams and work their butts off.

Let me tell you a little something about myself. I'm a waiter. I read a quote today that said, "If you wait for inspiration to write, you're not a writer, you're a waiter" - Dan Poynter. This quote sat with me all day long and I kept thinking; not only with my writing but also in other areas of my life- I wait. Well, when I get a new job I'll dress up for work. When I move in 6 months I'll decorate my room. I'll start writing my book once the semester is over. When the semester is over I'll focus more on my fitness. It's always something. I'm always waiting for the perfect time to do what I can be doing right now. There is no such thing as perfect timing. God is not going to come down before you and say "TODAY IS THE DAY". Everyday is THE day, that's why he woke you up this morning. He woke us up so that we can work diligently on our gifts.

In order to overcome laziness or fear, whichever stronghold that's stopping you from progressing, you need to figure out what works for you and change your thinking. The reward system doesn't work for me, a new dress for getting up early every day. Or the opposite; the punishment system, taking away something for not following through. Certain days (okay everyday) I will get up and drag my feet because I don't want to go to work, my job is not my career so I have to pep talk myself in the mornings. I quickly realize I can't quit otherwise I'd be homeless so I suck it up and hop in the shower. Lately, I've had many reminders whether through Instagram quotes or just by being in the right circles; that everyday is a gift and we are given each day to use our gifts. I only work 8 hours a day, I have at LEAST 9-10 hours left (I have to sleep) to work on my gifts.

THAT is what's working for me. I know that God didn't put me on this earth to just sit around and wait for something good to land in my lap. When I was younger I didn't have a clue of what I wanted to do with my life so I just wanted to marry rich. Seriously. I would pray that I would meet a rich man to take care of me so I didn't have worry about figuring out my purpose. I'm 26 and single...I think I need to figure it out. Understanding now that I'm not an accident and we are not here to just simply exists, that's my motivation. This dream, gift, purpose God placed within me is not an accident so I need to stop questioning it. My doubt leads to laziness. It's all about trusting Him and my purpose, that's where I am right now in my life. TRUSTING.

*The calender above is my schedule/tasks for everything. I need to see it right in front of me every morning so that I can hold myself accountable. Looking at what I need to do everyday reminds me to continue on this journey with FAITH and TRUST. It's not going to hurt me, only good will come from dedication and hard work.

-Namaste

Ask, Believe, Receive! Oh, And Say Thank You!

One of my main goals this year is to work on SELF, my mind needed a major overhaul so I have been consistently day in and day out working on myself. I've been feeling great and I have seen vast improvements when it comes to my state of mind. I'm more open and happy, a little less shy and a lot less selfish. For the most part things have been great. I've been asking, believing and receiving the things in life I've been wanting. Last week I was in a major funk and I still am to be quite honest, but I realized in all my funkiness that I haven't thanked God in a long time. I do my usual memorized prayer every night that gives thanks to God for my family, friends and life, but I haven't taken the time out to really thank Him for the little things in my life.

Last week I was mad at the world, everything and everybody was pissing me off for no reason. I had to take a major step back to breathe and count my blessings. Was what I'm upset about really that serious? Does it take away from everything else that is beautiful in my life? The answer is no.

When things are going really well in our lives we tend to forget what it was like when life wasn't so good. I've been so happy and I never stopped to say thanks for all the new-found happiness I've been receiving. I stopped praying and I stopped thanking. Maybe, my nasty mood was the devil trying to bring me down or maybe it was God trying to pull me up. He's pulled me up so far when I asked him to and now that I'm closer to the top, I tend to forget what the bottom feels like. I forgot the anger and hurt I was holding onto for years, I forgot what it felt like to feel lonely, I forgot what it was like to be broke, I forgot what it was like to be rejected. And all of those feelings came down on me at one time and I couldn't handle it. 

Instead of figuring out those feeling I lashed out then crawled back inside of my shell where it's safe. That's not where I want to be at all so I had to decide if it was bad enough that I had to derail my progress because of it. Instead of starting over from 21 and being depressed, my 26 year old self decided to be grateful. I spent the day thinking of things that I'm grateful for; the trees, my dog, my family, my friends, my car, my job, my skin, my hair, my life! Even though I'm not where I want to be and things don't always go my way, I have to keep my eyes open to the good around me otherwise I'm going to miss out. 

Take the time to be grateful and thank God (or whatever higher power you believe in) every single day for everything about your life. If you woke up today, you are better off than a lot of people. Everyday is a gift and we must rejoice and be glad about it. Your problems will fade away once you focus your energy on all things positive. Instead of spending your days complaining about your problems, invest your energy in saying thank you for the good that you do have in your life and you will get more of it...PROMISE. 

-Namaste

It's So Simple

I can't make any excuses for my lack of exercise and yoga practice even though I want to. I just haven't been keeping up with it even though I have all the time in the world. It's probably been a month since I've done either and this weekend I realized that it's not acceptable for me to be living the way I am. This half-ass life. 

Start. Stop. Start. Stop. See Results. Stop. Take 5 Steps Back. Start Over. It's a vicious, vicious cycle. 

Tonight I started back with my yoga, if you remember I started doing yoga to be able to perform the splits and before I stopped I made significant progress in my stretching so I was a little worried that I would be back at square one. I wasn't thank God! Yoga is tough if you don't know so I was dreading having to start all over and work my way back up, but luckily only a few stretches are slightly off. What I really need to be doing is adding a few new stretches into my routine, and keep it up forever. 

Tomorrow comes the gym and weight lifting. I lost a lot of weight from eating healthy and exercising (go figure) because it really is that simple. What I also lost was my ass, it didn't bother me that other people were talking about my lack of ass but it bothered me because my ass really did disappear. It was the flattest I have ever seen it in my life. I was not okay with that because it was already minuscule. So, I've been stuffing my face for the past month and I gained my booty back...along with flabby arms and a flabby belly. It's summertime and I need to be in a bikini ASAP, which means I need to be in a gym asap. Also, along with the unwanted flab came the sickness. You are what you eat, if you eat unhealthy food you will be/feel unhealthy. Everyday I feel uncomfortable and sick, my skin looks bad and my nails are weak. Crazy right? Tomorrow I will continue stuffing my face, but only with healthy real foods. The first day back in the gym is going to kick my ass, but my ass and the rest of my body needs it. 

I never wanted to grow up and be this inconsistent woman with no sense of routine or structure. For a little while I believed that people with sporadic lives with no day to day plans were cool, but I realize now that a productive successful life needs order, structure and routine. So here I go, holding myself to a higher standard and thanking myself for it everyday. 

-Namaste

When It Hits You

Lianne La Havas- "Elusive" (Official Music Video) 

I'm pretty sure I'm late on this Lianne La Havas train but at least I got on, right? I always listen to "Lost and Found" when it comes on the radio but I never looked her up, well until 2 days ago. I've been listening to her music non-stop since. This woman, this amazing woman is making my life right now. I love a good vocal, good music, good lyrics. So therefore I love her. "Elusive" is by far my favorite song off her album "Is Your Love Big Enough". I can't get enough of it. Then when I saw the video! Yes! It's like that! It's rare these days to see a video that matches the beauty of a song, simple, elegant, beauty.




*The second part to the video is for her song "Gone" (Watch it Here) and it will move you. Promise.

What I Learned About Discipline From My Dog

That picture on the right there...that's me and my dog Javier. Javier is a 1 year old Chihuahua and he's amazing. I brought him home from the Humane Society in October when he was just under a 1 year old. He was already potty trained when I got him which made me love him anymore. When I first got Javier he was scared and calm, he stuck to my schedule without trying to fight it in any way. He did what I told him to do and I was the master. It's been 8 months and Javier has become very comfortable. For the most part I love it, he has the biggest personality I've even seen in a dog. We know exactly what he's saying because that's how precise his body language is, he has very human like qualities about him, I love it.

Recently I noticed that he has to go to the bathroom more often than normal. So when he has to go, I take him because I don't want him to go in the house. The other day I took him to that bathroom 6 times in 5 hours, seriously. Did I mention I live on the forth floor, no elevator? Javier used to be a 3 times maybe 4 times a day dog, once in the morning, once when I got home from work, and once before bed. That's it! So what changed? I did. Javier was disciplined and had a very strict schedule, he knew that if he didn't do his business the first time then he would have to wait. Now, I take him out when ever he jumps so he knows now that he can go whenever he wants to. I used to just feed him at night, now I feed him half in the morning and half at night. His routine is all jacked up.

House dogs are very routine animals and they only do what the master allows them to do. I let this animal act a fool so now he tests his boundaries and I accommodate with an attitude. Today I realized that my dog is a reflection of me, I have no routine, I have no structure, that's why at times my life can seem so chaotic  Nothing gets done because I switch things up so much, I need a routine. I need to stop giving myself so much leeway  I'm like my dog I give myself an inch and I'll take a mile. Knowing that things can get done 'whenever' makes me procrastinate. Today, Javier has been put back on schedule. Today, I need to put myself on a schedule so I can get stuff done. Dogs are smart, they understand the need for order and discipline. They might not like it, but they respect it.

I Had A Dream You Were The Ocean

Is there something that's holding you back from reaching your full potential? We all have these vision boards, whether literal vision boards on our walls or the mental vision boards in our heads. Everyday we envision what we want our lives to look like and we map out how we're going to do it. The problem is that there is often very little follow through and I'm guilty of that. Rarely we follow through because we're unsure of the outcome and we question our own vision. How will I get to XYZ and what if I get there and it doesn't work out. We are afraid of what we can't see.

For example, you're ready to make a career change  but the fear of being unhappy even in a new career keeps you stagnant. Or you're not sure how you will land said career job, so that keeps you from trying because there's no way you'll get that type of job without experience right? You could be contemplating moving across the country or to another country, but what if you don't like it? What if you miss your friends too much? It's not worth the risk, so you stay put.

I know someone who has been saying since we were 18 that she's going to move to California, we're 26 and she still says it but she's afraid to move her feet. The only reason I can think of as to why she's still in Virginia is because she has a great fear of the unknown, like the majority of us do. If you have been talking about doing something for over a year, then it's probably something you really want to do. So just do it already. What's the worst that can happen, you do it, don't like it and have to figure out a new plan? That sounds better to me than 5 years going by and you're still wondering, what if?

 In order to reach our full potential we must get rid of this illusion of fear. Fear really is an illusion. Most women are afraid of bugs because they look gross, not because they're going to bring harm to us, yet we squeal when we see them. Why? It's an illusion of fear, we aren't comfortable around bugs so they scare us. I used to be afraid of roaches until I moved in my first apartment in Atlanta, the complex was infested with roaches. The first few months I would freak when I saw them but after a while I was no longer afraid. I was used to them, seeing and killing roaches everyday became a routine.

 Going to our 9-5 boring low salary jobs are fine because we're comfortable, trying to find a new job in this economy is too scary so we stay put. People even tell us to stay put and not take that risk, they feed us fear so we eat it up. They tell you not to move away because the cost of living is expensive over there, there aren't any jobs there, the people there are crazy. We just gulp, gulp, gulp, swallow it all and sit and wait and wonder as time passes by. What are we waiting for? Seriously, what's the worst that can happen, it doesn't work out...oh well that just brings you one step closer to your destiny. What's the best that can happen...it works out and brings you one step closer to your destiny.

-Namaste

Take the risk, lose sight of the shore. 

Sometimes You Have To Go It Alone

My mom says I deserve a vacation. I say EVERYONE deserves a vacation. Even people who don't work hard and people who don't work at all, everyone deserves to get away from their everyday life and see the outside of their city, state, country. I saw on a news special that in Paris it's the LAW that employees aren't allowed to work over 40 hours a week and they MUST use their 2 MONTHS vacation time. Even if they don't want to...they have to take off work. Can you imagine? Must be nice. They interviewed a Parisian store owner and asked him why Parisians let people take so much time off, his reply was something like this; "Americans work way too much, they don't take time to enjoy life, they are work work work, and IF you worked hard enough and long enough and if you get too stressed out THEN you deserve a vacation, then you deserve to have fun. We don't need a reason to have fun or take a break, we don't have to 'earn' it because we always deserve to be happy." *Now that I wrote that I don't think I saw it on the news or maybe it wasn't Paris. I don't know but either way I came across some version of that conversation/interview, it happened I just can't remember the details.*

After I saw that I sat back and thought about my dad, the man who works and works and works and doesn't enjoy life. He never uses his vacation days and he doesn't like to go anywhere. If someone says they want to go on vacation he questions why they deserve to take a break. How hard do you have to work before you're allowed to enjoy life without guilt? I'm not buying a home anymore so I have a little money chunk sitting in the bank. I haven't really worked hard this past year, I didn't do great in school this semester so if we are going by the American way of thinking that means I don't deserve a vacation. I don't deserve a break from the very routine life I live, I should stick to the routine for another year and see if I do better, then I can break if there is vast improvement in my life.

Today, tomorrow and everyday from here on out...I'm a Parisian (in my heart). I'm going on vacation and I'm not going to feel bad about it AT ALL. Oh My God! I'm finally going on a vacation!! It's been 6 years since my 1st real vacation. I'm going to ask a few friends if they want to join me on a nice European tour (that was my first vacation, Italy/Greece/Turkey tour), they are long tours and usually all inclusive. Here's the thing, I know my friends and only 1 maybe 2 will even consider going. Not because my friends wont want to go but because like me, money can be funny. My money is not funny right now so I want to use it to LIVE and enjoy myself. I'm a single woman so I can't ask a boyfriend, though it would be nice to vacation with a man. If my 1 maybe 2 friends say no, I've already accepted the fact that I'm probably going it alone. And that's scary as faaaaack.

I don't really think anything bad will happen to me if I travel alone, I don't even really think I would get bored. I'll more than likely be with a group of people that are in my tour majority of the time. I'm of course going to read up on traveling alone and make sure I know all the safety tips. The scary part is DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE. I've never even eaten at a restaurant alone, so going to a different country by myself is a massive deal. Years ago I went to see Sex and the City 2 by myself a month after it came to theaters because I got tired of waiting for my friends to go see it with me. If I keep waiting for my friends to be ready to go on vacation (which I have been for 3 years now) then I will probably never leave the state. I would love it if my friends came with me, but if they don't I can't take a seat and miss out on life.

This is where my fearless FEAR LESS kicks in. I'm going on vacation this year no matter what, no matter what. Just the thought of it makes my heart sing, I can feel a little light inside me when I think about stepping into a different country. I haven't decided when or where I want to go yet, but right now I'm thinking Spain in August. I will host my own version of Eat, Pray Love. I don't have any reason not to go, there is nothing holding me back. I choose my own path. I can choose to be scared and wait for my friends or I can go it alone and see what life gives me in return.

-Namaste

I'm Not Moving

I decided to renew my lease with my roommate, I was originally supposed to move in July but she's getting married in December so I can hold out until then. I was pressed to move because, I didn't tell anyone but...I was going to buy a condo. I found a few that I loved and my bids weren't high enough so people outbid me, at the time I was bummed out, now I see it as a blessing. Buying a home is a big step and commitment and it was a commitment I was ready to make. I was ready to make the commitment, not spend the money. I have the money to do so and the credit, I've been saving my money fairly well and I saved my tax return. It was so hard not to do anything rachet with my return; like buy some Malaysian Silky or go on a shopping spree. If I would've bought a house all of my savings would be gone, I would move in with zero in my savings and I would be stuck in my new house because I can't afford to go out anywhere. So mentally, yes I was ready to buy a house. Realistically, no I'm not ready.

It was something I wanted to do because I felt like I haven't accomplished anything significant yet. Owning a home to me was saying "No I don't have a college degree yet, no I'm not married, no I don't have any kids, no I don't have a career, but hey I own a home so I'm a grown up too". My mortgage would be cheaper than rent but the initial moving and set up and home buying expenses would set me back and frankly...I'm tired of being set back. My path isn't the same as everyone else, my life isn't like everyone else so why am I comparing my progress with theirs? Owning a home would be nice but now that I'm being more real with myself, it's not a top priority. I want to have money in the bank, I want to travel, I want to go out, that's where I am in life. I might be late but I showed up. I'm learning to live and love and be me without the worry of judgement. Everything with work out in it's own time, I will own a home at the right time. In December I might be singing a different song but for right now, I'm good.

-Namaste

Sometimes You Have To Leave People Behind

It's taken me a while to publish this post; I keep starting and erasing it and starting over again. I want to be able to express myself without offending anyone that I know who may stumble across this blog. While going through the motions I thought about just scraping this post and focusing on the next topic, but I can't. I have to let this out of me and put it in the universe and pray no offense is taken.

It's time to leave some people behind.

I moved to Atlanta about 6 years ago to get away and start a new and exciting life and when I got here I just STOPPED. My life became stagnant and boring, I only went to work and the gym. The friendships that I formed were with people who were minimum 10 years older than me, MINIMUM. If they were my age they were males who were trying to sleep with me but I never let them. I threw them in the friend zone and watched them torture themselves; I had fun though. The older friends were fun and they have given me great wisdom to carry me through the rest of my life. I loved having intelligent conversations with them but I would always secretly wish they were my age.

Then the year came when I formed a few toxic friendships which kept me in a state of depression and loneliness. I don't know if you've ever been depressed before but when you are...nothing gets accomplished. I never wanted to do anything except party and hangout with people I didn't really like. I prayed for God to remove them from my life because I didn't know how to do it myself. I knew how I just didn't want to because I didn't want to be friendless in Atlanta...again. God removed them for me probably a week after I asked him to, that came with drama and stress as well. Even though I wasn't please with his execution and strategy, in the long run I was happy that he helped me out.

Then came another year or so in Atlanta with little to no friends. A few friends were still stressing me out and they were constant drama; so I not so eloquently told them that they were driving me crazy and I needed to be free of them. I hurt their feelings but at the time I felt good, I finally felt free of having to "deal" with other people. By this time I had one little bestie by my side, she is still right here with me. We play together and we grow together. That's what I love.

Some friendships that I happily let go of before have come back into my life. I decided to give people second chances and allow them to be in certain parts of my life. They are my friends but the dynamics of the relationship has changed. Here's the thing about following your gut, if you decide to follow it you need to stick to it. If you leave something in the past don't go back and try to find it, you left it there for a reason and it wasn't important enough to take with you in the first place. So let it go. I'm not saying that my friendships now aren't important but I already see that a majority of them won't be in my near future. They may be in my life but in a small little corner pocket that I only go into for holidays, birthdays and the occasional "let's grab drinks and catch up".

They're moving to the corner left pocket because I'm growing and I don't feel that they're growing with me. A lot of them still carry on with drama and gossip of friends in their immediate circle, which I partake in because it's just to easy. I don't want to hangout with people who I talk behind their backs, it's so immature of me. Most of them are in the same spot (mentally, financially, emotionally) as they were when I met them years ago. I haven't made much progress either which isn't healthy for anyone in this situation. You are who you hangout with and we're bringing each other down. Well they might not feel that way but I do and that's why I must move on with my life.

I'm ready for growth, I'm ready for change, I'm ready to be living the life that I've always wanted. If I mapped out my life for the most part my social circle would not look like this. If I mapped it out I would actually have a social circle again. My circle would be filled with progressive, smart, fun, emotionally sound, kind men and women who are about growth and self discovery. They would be working steadily towards their goals and their dream life. I know in order to attract those type of people I must become that type of person myself and I'm working at that every day. The rest will take care of itself.

-Namaste
(for some reason I always think that when I finish writing, so I decided that will be my signature from here on out)


Have you ever had to let go of friendships for your own personal growth? How did you do it and how has you life changed since? Express yourself! 

The Pursuit of Happiness

Hello!!! I haven't forgot about my blog. I have been so extremely busy, not busy, bored, anxious, annoyed, happy, sad, fearful, and fearless over the past few months. A lot is going on in my personal life and even more is going on in my brain. The deadline is approaching for me to be moving out, a few months ago I was counting down the days; now I'm wanting time to slow down just a tad because my mind is chaotic right now and I need to breath.

One of my promises to myself this year that I would be fearless, live the life I had always imagined, take chances and not care what people think of me. Essentially, I want to be happy about my life. Not complaisant, not content, not satisfied. No. I want to wake up everyday knowing that I'm living in my purpose and I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I have yet to LIVE. I've been out of the nest for 7 years and still haven't spread my wings; I'm that bird that's hopping on the ground in parking lots dodging cars. I'm in constant battle with myself, God and the universe on "what I want my life to be", I never get shit done because I can never start anything without changing my mind about it first.

HOME

In my Carrie Bradshaw post I told you that I wanted to be like Carrie Bradshaw from SATC when I got older. Live in the city and have a fabulous life. Well, that's what I've decided to do. I'm tired of waiting and waiting and waiting for the right time to make a move. I've lived in Atl for 6 years, had 3 different apartments and none of them have been in the city or close to it. I'm about 15 mins away now but that's not the city living I'm talking about. I'm talking real you live downtown so you walk more than you drive type of city living. Obviously downtown living is quite pricey, well I discovered so is living everywhere else in Atlanta so I might as well take the risk. Of course my square footage will be compromised considerably but that's okay, I have too much shit that I need to get rid of anyways.

SCHOOL 

School is playing with my emotions right now. College is my least favorite thing in life, I've never liked school it's not my thing. I come from the school of hard knocks and I let the streets be teacher. Just kidding, sorta. I do in fact learn more outside of school then I do within it. Am I dropping out, no. After this semester I'm taking a semester or two off. I was sooooo scared to tell my mom because I thought she would be disappointed, and I was scared to tell my friends because I thought they would think 'AGAIN???'. Then I woke up one day and thought "This is my damn life! Why am I so concerned with what they want me to do? I'm the one who's unhappy!" I told my mom and she understood. Everyone tells me to just do it and get it over with, which is easier said than done. Since I can pursue my future career without a degree, I'm fine with the go at your own pace method. I want to live and enjoy myself, even if that means graduating at the age of 35.

FRIENDSHIP/LOVE

My first year in Atlanta I had a roommate, the apt and friendship was over after 3 months. I was alone with one friend in Atlanta and asshole men I dated to pass the time. The next few years in Atlanta was filled with asshole friends and asshole men. The past year my time was spent weeding out the good from the bad, and deciding who I wanted to have in my life. My past mistakes in friendships and dating were just lessons for me to grow. Many people have come and gone over the past few years and I thank them for what they taught me. My biggest lesson was that if it doesn't agree with your spirit then let it go. There was a time when I could be fake and pretend I liked certain people for the sake of being in a group of friends. Now, psssstttt please! I spend time ONLY with people who agree with my spirit and make me happy. I refuse to hangout with someone I don't like or care for anymore. Why? Why did I ever do that before? It's so freeing when you don't have to pretend. Men that aren't for me, I can recognize immediately now and I don't even entertain them anymore. Free is the brain who's not stressing over love lost. Love, real love will come and it will come with abundance because there will be nothing blocking the flow. I would really like to build new friendships with like minded people and increase my social circle. 

CAREER/WORK

School is out the picture for a little bit so my regular 9-5 life will resume right? Wrong. Though I wont be in school there are some entrepreneurial endeavors that have been placed in my mind by God and I just can't shake them. I was going to explore this calling while in school but I want to give my full attention to this idea and make it happen. A few of my friends dreams transpired before my eyes over the past year. A friend I work with told me an idea she had, worked at it like a dog and now she's trying to figure out how to handle all the success that came from her small idea. She dedicated herself to it and now she's "made it". Full dedication and hard work is what it going to take and I'm okay with that. I have to honor my calling. I have a few projects and this blog that I want to give my full attention...only good will come of it. 

No matter what you do people will find something negative to say about you. That's why I no longer care what someone's opinion of my lifestyle is. If I want to take 20 years to finish a 4 year college then I'm going to, if I want to move to a hole in the wall in the city...then I will. My life will be lived the way I want from here on out, I can't worry about what others think of it. I'm doing this for me. I'm in the pursuit of happiness. 

A Woman's Journey (my perspective)

I believe the most important part of a woman's life is the moment when she begins to fall in love with herself. No matter how many people told you that you were attractive or even if you were the most popular girl in school just off looks alone; when you're a young girl you're terribly insecure. You're deathly afraid of you're own image. The pressure to be beautiful kicks in because you're growing up knowing that one day you will have to compete for a husband. In order to make it through life as a halfway decent woman you'll need to someone to love you and to want to take care of you. That right there will turn to a innocent child into a terrified confused teenager. Then by the time we are all wanting to die because we can't figure out how to look like the next girl, we go through a phase. Some will chase men and sleep around, some will shy away from boys completely, some will involve themselves with the wrong men, while others find comfort in a long term boyfriends and will be terrified to be alone. We will all place ourselves somewhere we don't really want to be, and we think the next girl has it good when in reality all of us are messed up.

After the terrible teen years pass we become little women between the ages 20-25 and the pressure is on to find a mate to make our happy home with. You know, the one with the white picket fence. Our deepest prayers are that the next guy is the last guy, that we could end the game of "he's not the one". We've all heard the rumor that our stock begins to plummet at 25 and no one wants to have kids with a woman over 30....so this is it. We must find him in the next few years or we will fail the life's work of a woman. Every man we meet becomes a target, we look him in the eyes and our minds wonder what our life would be like together before we even find out his name. Some of us find him and will be scratched from single woman existence and disappear into a different world. Then there are some of us who would do anything for a husband and will pick the first bidder. Trying to turn every man we meet into the one and subscribe to Bride magazine while we're still single.There are some girls who replace love with partying and/or careers, occupying the time until Mr. Right arrives; praying that we can find fulfillment without a ring. These years are the worst for all the girls because we want the life on the other side, we think the grass greener no matter whose yard we're standing in. We try new looks, personalities and friends; we can't seem to hold onto anything. These years are dark and scary, nothing makes sense.

Soon after that you began to look back and study yourself from the outside, reminiscing of the girl you used to be. You stop being mad at her for doing certain things because you realize she was just a kid. In those moments she only got to see one side of every problem she faced; which didn't give her a fair advantage of how to win each battle. You see now that she reacted that way because that's all she knew how to do in that moment. You feel sorry for all the bad things she went through so you nurture her wounds and begin to love her. You forgive her for not appreciating her beauty back then, she didn't realize she was one of a kind. She will love her body as a woman because you love her so much you decided to take care of it for her. You let her heal and you let her grow. You tell her to stop being afraid because you've already gotten so far and it's just going to get better. The mistakes she made back then are no longer mistakes, they are lessons. You no longer look for love in the wrong places and you no longer have to run from it either, because you found the love within yourself. You realize that you are enough. This is the best part of becoming a woman, the moment you realize when it's happening.

Naturally Thin

I've had this blog topic in my queue for quite some time now and today more than any seems like the perfect time to post on this subject. I've been working on lifestyle changes in every aspect of my life. I decided I need to eat healthy & clean (especially since diabetes runs in my family), exercise more, take care of my skin, hair, mind, everything! I've even been putting in the effort to dress better at work. My staple outfit for work used to be leggings/ jeggings with and over-sized sweater and riding boots. It was simple and easy so I rocked that look almost everyday. Lately I've been dressing to impress so now my coworkers have begun to take notice...of my body. Last week I received a few questions as to WHY I'm losing so much weight. I answer truthfully "I'm just changing my eating habits". Then I received a comment from a male coworker who said to me "You losing all that weight, you know men in Atl like the women thick". You know because you have to live your life the way the majority of men want you to, otherwise you're going to be left out in the cold. 

This morning I was getting dressed for work, pulled on my bootleg jeans, a white slouchy tee, a black biker zip up shirt (left open) and my pointy toe black boots. I was was going for a rocker style and I thought I looked great today, I was feeling myself. When I got to work I was confronted by most everyone in my office about how skinny I've become. Apparently I lost 50 pounds in 2 weeks because people just noticed I lost weight and they seem to have a big problem with it. I had ignorant rude questions of "concern" like "are you eating?", "is everything okay?".  All the way to the rude comments such as "You have a white girl ass now/ maybe you should get booty shots/she lost all her lady parts/don't fall apart!" I was annoyed and pissed that these overweight and unhealthy MEN had so much to say about my looks. 

The big kicker for me was when 2 of the managers were in their office talking when I walked by and I was called in to talk about my recent weight loss. I have never in my life been so attacked because of the way I looked, they just wouldn't let up. When I stepped in the office the one manager said to me, "turn around and show him (the other manager) how much weight you've lost in your butt." I replied "Are you fucking kidding me? No!" The other manager asks me whats going on with my weight and I begin to tell him about how I'm starting to eat healthy and how I cut out certain foods, I was just going on and on praying that this would kill the questions. When I left his office I walked the long hall back to my desk thinking that everyone now was looking at me wondering what was wrong with me and why this black girl was choosing to be thin. As soon as my flat ass hit my chair I thought to myself "Why the fuck are you explaining yourself to these people?" 

I refuse to explain myself and my weight to another person EVER AGAIN. I've been doing this shit since I was a child and I'm over it. The next time someone says something to me I'm going to kindly reply "I don't want to talk about it" aka "mind your got damn business". If you know me, you know I would never starve myself or harm my body so if I'm healthy and happy and SKINNY then you need to press on. I've never been fat or overweight in my life. My size fluctuates between thin and skinny, that's the range my body has. I'm sure if I let myself go completely I could become overweight, we all can. I wouldn't let myself go to that extent because I'm happy with my size. 

I weighed 115 pounds all through high school and used to get teased about my weight all the time. I once begged my doctor to give me something to help me gain weight...her reply to me was "Girls KILL themselves to be your size, you need to be grateful". Well when you put it like that. Even when I was a little girl I remember my Nana would make me drink Ensure with every meal to fatten me up, I was 6 years old. Since the age of 6 I have been explaining to people why I'm so small. In black culture thin women are not deemed attractive, so if you're a black thin woman...that's a problem. You need to eat a sandwich, cornbread, ham-hocks, meatloaf, fried chicken, everything in site so you don't.look.like.that. When I was a teen I would go to my friends house or their grandparents house and I would get the same reaction from everyone "Oh baby, you need to eat something, get some meat on those bones." I'm full. 

This has follwed me around my whole life, I thought as an adult it would be over. I recently went from thin and unhealthy to thin and healthy...society would like me as the former. Though had somewhat of booty, it was sloppy and came along with a nice fluffy tummy that was hidden behind clothes. The tummy was accompanied by some A cup boobies that became one with side fat underneath my arms, which would blend with the back fat that I would have to tuck under my bra so the back of my shirts wouldn't look so lumpy. 

 Before and after pictures from unhealthy to healthy.

 Before (with a very padded bra): April 2012 / After: January 2013

People would say I have body dysmorphia and none of that is true or that there is nothing wrong with that, but when they are doing the same thing as me everyday (trying to hide back fat and muffin tops) it's different because I'm smaller. It's not. Fat is fat, whether you're skinny or big. Of course, OF COURSE I would love to wake up tomorrow with a body like Kim K but that's not who God made me to be. I WILL NOT apologize for that anymore, I can't spend my days explaining to people why I look the way I do. I've spent my life doing so already. 

I'm naturally thin along with millions of other black women, get over it. I have a slight head cold today and when I got home from work I didn't feel like eating dinner, I just wanted to lay down but then the voices came to my head about how skinny I was and I thought "Oh no I must eat something so I don't lose anymore weight". Do you see how the negative words of others can effect someone else's life? It's called bullying, yeah I throw jabs back best believe, but I never throw them first because I know what they can do. I looked at myself in the mirror long and hard today and I decided that I LOVE my body. I'm not going to start eating like a pig or become unhealthy again just to please others who do nothing for me. 

You have one life to live and you live it the way you want, you weigh the amount you want, you have as little or as much muscle as you want, dress how you want, wear your hair how you want. Don't let anyone tell you what you should look like. Telling someone they need to gain weight is the same as telling someone they need to lose weight. Either way you're telling them how YOU think they should look. It's not up to anyone else to decide what you should look like. 

Be yourself at all times! That's an order! 

The 4 Year Plan

The other night I laid down to go to sleep and thought about the fact that I'm 26 and just now getting started on making my dreams come true. I have wasted many years doing nothing and a year of that was probably wasting time on the internet. I've been thinking about where I see myself at the age of 30, in 4 blissful years I will be 30. I have a framed picture in my room of me and my friends celebrating my 22nd birthday, I look at it and think about what I have accomplished since then. 4 blissful years went by and my life is exactly the same as it was back then. 4 years wasted, seriously nothing exciting has happened at all so don't think I'm being too hard on myself. I'm just being real. I didn't change careers, I didn't get married, I didn't save thousands of dollars, go on any vacations. Nothing happened because I didn't make anything happen. This is the perfect time to write out my goals for the next four years, I need to look at them every morning, noon and night so I can be sure to stay on track.

By the time I'm 30 I will have accomplished the following: 

1. Received my bachelors degree in communications from Georgia State University.
2. Purchased a home/condo/townhouse.
3. Have my passion project (secret for now) fully started and be working that as my career. (What I need to focus on the most) **MAIN GOAL*
4. Taken 2 vacations minimum out of the country. (between now and 30).
5. Have 10k dollars cash in savings.
6. Have my car paid off.
7. Have hair down to my butt.

Sometimes you can take a wrong turn which will lead you off your path, if you don't look at the map for directions you will end up completely lost. 

Good Music Mondays

FANTASIA- I'M DOIN' ME

In honor of yesterday's post, here's a song about loving yourself and NOT settling for less than you deserve.

"Nothing more beautiful than knowing your worth"

Beasts Of the Southern Wild

I watched this movie last night and I must say never has any movie fucked with my emotions as much as this one did. I literally cried THE ENTIRE FILM!! I'm not exaggerating at all, at one point I had to pause the movie to cry because I was missing what was coming up next. I was a hot mess, I still am just thinking about it. Beasts of the Southern Wild was so beautifully written and directed, the acting was superb on everyone's part I kept forgetting that it was fiction. I was so furious at certain points and sad at others I couldn't stop crying. This is hands down one of my favorite movies of all time. The previews threw me off, definitely not what I thought it was going to be about...they did that on purpose. I highly recommend you watch it immediately!

I hope Quvenzhané Wallis wins the Oscar tonight for best actress, she definitely deserves it. Dwight Henry who played her dad in the film should have been nominated for something as well, he was amazing. 

I'm No Stupid...Anymore

There comes a time in every girls life and I mean EVERY girls life where she dates someone who is completely wrong for her. Wrong in the sense that he's an asshole and she will continue to date him praying that one day the relationship will be what she wants. She dates him because he did or said something in the beginning that gave her promise of a bright future with him. She ignored all the red flags and fell in love aka hysterical blindness. Sometimes it's not love at all and when she looks back after it's over and the wounds are healed, she laughs, she laughs hard. She puts her hands over her face, throws her head back and cracks up with laughter because she wonders "WHY DID I EVEN LIKE HIM? HE WAS SO LAME!"

There is not a woman who skated through life and dodged this guy. We've all been there and if you haven't been there yet you probably will even with all the advice you read or friends telling you how to avoid the douche bag. The thing is, he isn't even a douche bag. He is a man who treated you how you let him. Of course it would be nice if men didn't treat us like shit because we let them. If they said hey, I'm just going to lead her on and torture her emotions for months/ years, that's not nice let me stop this now; oh what a beautiful world that would be. That's not the case though, we find someone who we really like and they promise us the world and we take their word for it. WORDS MEAN NOTHING when your actions don't line up.

A guy I used to date who I still talk to from time to time was arguing with me about our past relationship. I thought he was amazing and I thought we were going to be something and I thought one day he would change and I thought it was all going to be better. I thought, I thought, I thought WRONG. It took me a while to fully get over him and the possibility of an us, and when I finally did get over it everything came to light. I realized I didn't really like him, I liked the idea of him. I told him that he was one of the worst men I have ever dated because: he was lazy, an asshole, combative, insensitive, childish, rude. We were arguing because he wanted to step back into my life and "things will be different this time". No, no, no! I'm not stupid anymore. I can't even be mad at him, I allowed him to be all those negative things and I put up with it instead of stepping out immediately. I'm don't want to wait and see if things will be better, while he was playing games I was learning the most important lesson  every woman needs to learn, my worth.

We all want to be treated like a queen and with respect from whoever we're dating, but when we learn that we deserve the best and nothing less, we'll never settle again. I deserve somebody who gives a shit, we all do. You know if you're being treated the way you deserve in a relationship, you don't need a list or a book to tell you. You already know. If you need to read a book to see if your man is treating you right, then he's not. If you're unhappy, your needs aren't getting met, he's not adding value to your life, then it's not right. Plain and simple. With every douche I dated I knew it wasn't right, I just didn't realize my worth yet so I settled. Have I dated an asshole since the one mentioned in this post? (over a year ago) NOPE! When you realize you're worth and you truly believe that you deserve the best, I promise you won't settle. You'll love yourself too much to do so.

Value yourself and know your worth!